Fun Fact Friday: I'll Be Over This Eventually

*Some weeks I'm just not up to reading the Postsecrets. Ya know what I mean?

*Books I've read recently: Bringing Down The House (the book the movie 21 was based on); The Appeal (SHUT UP); Good Calories, Bad Calories (took me FOREVER).

*I had to get a new phone this week. AD dropped my old one in the pool. Is that not the saddest upper-middle-class sob story you've ever heard?

*I used to wear colored contacts to make my eyes even more green than they normally are.

*A wine that I'm into lately is Monkey Bay Pinot Grigio. I get mine at Target.

*I didn't drink regularly until I was nearly 21 (Nervous Tummy).

*The first time I got drunk was on Watermelon Schnapps and Ruby Red Squirt. To this day, the smell of watermelon gum makes me barfy.

*I get mad crushes on the talented guy dancers on So You Think You Can Dance.

*It blows my mind that AD will likely grow up in a place where there are entire separate SCHOOLS for performing arts, or math and science, or whatev. Where I grew up, you took the same classes and participated in the same sports as the other 85 people and THAT WAS THE END OF IT. You couldn't even attend a PRIVATE school, unless you were willing to drive over 60 miles away.

*I recently told an old friend about this blog. Incidentally, the Watermelon Schnapps/Ruby Red Squirt thing was all his fault. Well, him and a guy we called "Tippy", who was probably the most charismatic yet truly shady character I've ever met.

Hellbeast, Inc.: MD & A

Jesus H. Christ, I forgot to mention my KID in any of those alternate blog titles from yesterday! The shame spiral continues! Well, you'll be glad to know I do still have a kid. Here she is, as a refresher:

I actually think my 5-year-old NEPHEW took this picture, which is utterly humiliating since I've been trying to get something similar for AGES. SHAME SPIRAL.
Speaking of 5-year-old-nephews, here's mine now! Aren't they the cutest little supahfans you ever saw? Yes, that's a tent. Sitting on our patio. Do you know how the manufacturer suggests that you anchor that thing? With SAND. They want you to fill the side pockets with enough SAND to hold it down. REALLY, children's tent manufacturer? That's the first thing that came to mind? Way to hear hoof beats and think ZEBRA.But really, the big news at Hellbeast, Inc. is the Big Girl Bed.

WHY would we do this? The answer is that *I* would NOT do this. AD could have slept in her crib until she was old and gray for all I care. Lord knows she will probably be short enough. She could have mounted a 20-inch plasma on the footboard and been set for life. But BR gets these wild hairs about shit like this, and believe me when I say it's not worth trying to talk him out of it. Especially if there's a "project" with drills and schematics and such involved. Anyway, we had one of those convertible cribs, and apparently every time BR walked by that thing it whispered in his ear, "DISASSEMBLE MEEE. It'll be FUUN and will require a trip to Home Deeepot!".

(Incidentally, it was an Ikea crib, which I totally recommend if you are short. They are much, much shorter and lower to the ground than any crib I saw anywhere else. Most of the cribs I looked at would have required an elaborate pulley system and/or a 2 foot free fall in order for someone my size to lower a baby into them).

So that happened. BR did end up putting a little rail on the side, since the first night she rolled right off the thing and onto the floor, where she promptly curled up with her butt in the air and went back to sleep. "No harm, no foul", I said, but BR was all HORRIFIED and shit. What a wuss.

Anyway, this is actually working out BETTER than the crib thing. You may have already guessed that AD is not the brand of kid who stays in a bed as if it is protected by an invisible forcefield. As soon as she's up, she leaps over that rail like she's a perp on an episode of COPS. Which SOUNDS like it would suck, but secretly DOESN'T, because now she comes to US, happy and fully awake, instead of us having to haul our happy asses into HER room and deal with her shrieks of incarcerated rage. Total lazy parenting win-win.

Plus, toddler bedding. Seriously. I'm thinking of scoring MYSELF one of those Dora pillows.

Things I SHOULD Have Called This Blog

*You Know What I Hate?

*Worst Day of My LIFE, What Do You THINK!

*The Most Annoying Person on the Face of The Earth, Except for the Dude in Those "HeadOn" Commercials

*The Most Annoying Person on the Face of The Earth, INCLUDING the Dude in Those "HeadOn" Commercials

*WICKED PISSED

*Caps Lock Chronicles

*Tussling With Tussy, But Not In a Dirty Way, Which is Totally How it Sounds

*Adventures in Underthinking

*Lord, Beer Me Strength

*Fake Hispanic 'Til You Make Hispanic

*Texas! It's Like A Whole 'Nother Country! And I Don't Mean Canada!

SHAME SPIRAL

Uff. So, that last few days, that was fun, eh? I am behind on EVERYTHING, you guys! Enter post-holiday/out-of-office shame spiral! And now it's 3 pm, and we all know what THAT means. Nonsensicality! ness! osity!

OBV I have no pictures from the holiday weekend, even though my sister was in town and we went to Medieval Times, which was OMG so awesome (Red Knight's goin down! Down, down, down! YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN, RED KNIGHT!).

Anyway! Would you like to hear all about the conference I attended on Thursday and Friday? Lordy. Talk about shame spirals.

Shame the first: The course instructor kicked off a cheery soliloquy on work/life balance by telling us all about an immune disorder he has, and how he was on what he thought was his deathbed a year ago, and how looking back he realizes he worked too much and this, in addition to being the most clunky sentence the world has ever known, sounds much cheesier and lame than it actually was in person. It was actually sort of riveting, in a Lifetime Movie kind of way. More than one person teared up! (not ME, OBV. GOD! Pull your head out of your ass!) But THEN, after the Hallmark Moment, as if to prove his point, he followed up by asking the room how many people worked 40 hours a week, and I was the ONLY PERSON who raised my hand! So embarassing. Slash awesome. Clearly CFO material here. NOTE TO SELF: LIE LIKE RUG about hours worked to avoid THE AWK. Also, I totally ruined the poor guy's dramatic moment.

Shame the second: This same instructor mentioned, during his speech, that he didn't shake hands due to the immune disorder thing. Well, I really did enjoy the class, and so on the second day, in a rare triumph over the nervous tummy, I went up to tell him. And I OFFERED HIM MY HAND to shake! GAH! He took it, too, and it wasn't until I was leaving the room that I DIED INSIDE. How could I have SPACED on that? Ugg. I felt terrible. He probably had to chop the hand off and cauterize the wound after I left.

Shame the third: We did some of those goofy personality tests, and it turns out I am sorely lacking in the "directive" traits necessary to become CFO! I.E., I have a Nervous Tummy, which I didn't really need a $1500 conference to tell me. Each category had 30 traits associated with it, and I only checked ONE from the "directive" column! (independent). Dominant? No. Likes Challenge? Not really. Decisive? Eh. Confident and bold? NOT SO MUCH. Fears being taken advantage of? HELL NO! I am the OPPOSITE of that! So that was a bit of a downer. Turns out that you are supposed to be more directive and less "influencing", which is how I roll. (Intuitive! Flexible! Enthusiastic! Overly Optimistic! Avoids Conflict! This category practically has my picture SUPERIMPOSED over the top!). Percentage of CFOs with Influencing as their dominant trait? ONE. UNO. Am headed STRAIGHT TO THE TOP.

Sigh.

Fun Fact Friday!

*As you read this, I am attending a conference on "Moving From Controller to CFO". Um, assuming you are reading this on Friday between the hours of 8:30 and 4:30. WHATEVER. Don't get fussy on me. I tried to find a conference on "Moving from Controller to Cook on Crab Fishing Vessel", but...denied. Lame.

*I actually enjoy completing my CPE hours. Mostly because I feel wicked cool and downright FOXY in a room full of CPAs.

*BR's and my parents (My parents and BR's parents? Our parents? That makes it sounds like we're SIBLINGS. Oh, fuck it) have been married a total of 8 times. That we know of.

*BR doesn't know his dad. He left when BR was two and his sister was an infant.

*I like to tease him by bellowing, "Will has an attachment disorder!". It's funny because it's TRUE.

*BR is the only person I have ever met who can relate to my relationship with my family.

*I got TWO emails from PR/Marketing people this week asking me to review products on this blog. How do they decide who to email about this stuff? No, seriously. How?

*I have a weird habit of carrying a pen or highlighter everywhere I go when I'm at work. It's like they're my BINKY or something. I hold them in my hand during meetings. I carry them into the kitchen to get coffee. I even have to stop myself from carrying them INTO THE RESTROOM. What does it MEAN? (you: Will has an attachment disorder!)

*I used to date a guy who was addicted to chapstick. He kept tubes EVERYWHERE, including on top of the fridge and under his mattress. He would even cut a slit in the waistband of his boxers so he could keep a tube (OF CHAPSTICK! GOD!) in THERE.

*This is the first time I have scheduled a post to be published IN THE FUTURE. You are reading this FROM THE FUTURE! We shall call you...THE OCEANIC 6(ish).

What's A Witty Way To Say "Phoning It In?"

This morning I was cruising on in to work (THANKS HOV LANE!), thinking about how I needed to upload some pictures so I could finally do a post that didn't highlight my apparent Mood Disorder, and then I get to my desk and...CHA-CHING! My mom comes through with some from the Old School. Lucky you!

This is my grandparents' wedding photo (my mom's parents). That's my grandmother Sophia and my grandfather James. My grandfather is no longer living (he worked for the railroad and was killed in a work accident), but my grandmother is. Fun fact! My grandmother had 10 brothers and sisters, and my grandfather had 12 (positively Duggar-esque!). Also, at the risk of sounding totally, totally gross, WASN'T MY GRANDPA HOT? I remember looking at this picture with my sister after we were both adults, and we turned to each and giggled like, "WHOA". Inappropriate. Slash TRUE.

A picture of my mom and both of my grandfathers on my parents' wedding day. Let's just skim over the giant error in judgement that was their doomed marriage and focus on this awesome picture, mkay? On the left is my grandfather James, then my mom, then my grandfather Burton (my dad's dad). My grandpa Bud is no longer living either. He died of cancer a few years ago. Fun non-terminal-cancer fact! After my parents divorced, my mom put her wedding dress and bouquet (the flowers were FAKE! ) in our "dress-up" bin and let us play with it. Way to think that one through, mom. Covering your innocent children in your Divorce Cooties. Heh.

My sister and I love to give our parents shit about their wedding stuff. We think it's so, so funny(also, that Emotional Cripple thing sort of...runs in the family). But if you knew how tragically unsuited they were for each other, and what a giant pain in the ass their marriage must have been, you would know how giddy we are that it didn't last. You know, since we both turned out totally, TOTALLY, fine. Ish. WHATEVER. MOOD DISORDERS ASIDE.

Actually, since we are on this hilarious Children of Divorce kick, I DO want to know this from the divorced people with kids: what did you do with the "stuff" related to your marriage(s)? Did you save your dress, or your rings, or your wedding albums or anything for your kids? Do you consider it bad juju, or a genuine keepsake for your children? Have you considered the fact that your children might MAKE FUN of the stuff, because they are ASSHOLES?

The Best Defense Is...A Good (ish) Blog Post?

So, I'm feeling a little misunderstood regarding my post yesterday. Or do I mean defensive? I don't know. Probably that too. Let's call it both. I don't mind.

I didn't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with fussing over a toddler's chubby thighs, or that if you do it you are necessarily harming anyone in any way. I love a chubby toddler thigh as much as the next girl. MORE, probably. All I MEANT to say is that I would personally never comment on it, and that for whatever reason, probably related to some type of permanent brain damage, it makes me vaguely awkward and uncomfortable when I hear OTHERS do it. But, uh, you guys? The list of things I would never do and/or that make me awk and uncomfortable is AS LONG AS MY ARM. Actually, it's as long as SHAQ's arm. Assuming the list was typed in 6-point font. Single spaced. Okay? It doesn't mean that I think you are an insensitive, ignorant jackass if you roll a different way.

I am also open to the possiblity that I am oversensitive/over-the-top on this issue. It sort of surprises me that MORE people don't feel the way I do, but the fact remains that they don't. My personal opinion is that the best and least hurtful course of action is to never, ever, comment on weight or body shape or quantity/quality of food intake. Regardless of the age of the person, or the person's sex, or their weight, or the setting. If you start making qualifications, e.g. it's acceptable for BABIES, but not TODDLERS, or it's acceptable at HOME, but not in PUBLIC, or it's acceptable if the person is a MAN, but not a WOMAN, then I think you're entering dangerous territory. That's just my opinion. Many, many, people disagree, including my own husband, and that's fine. And even *I* am not perfect in applying the Policy. But I do try to be perfect. That's how important I think it is.

Anyway. I enjoy discussing the Policy, and why I feel the way I do (brain damage?), but one worry I have is that by doing so I am Making A Big Deal Out of It, when that is the exact OPPOSITE of what I want to do. I mean, Don't Make A Big Deal Out of It is practically my LIFE MISSION STATEMENT, for the love of god.

So. That's what I would have said. In an alternate dimension where I THINK IT THROUGH FOAH THE LOVE OF GAWD.

Also! Here's something else I want to clear up! Are you ready?

I like the Duggars. I DO! I like them. I think they are a nice family, and aren't hurting anyone by the way they live and therefore don't really deserve the constant scorn they get. Well, except for the clothes. And the hair. And the unfortunate "J" naming schtick. And the TOTALLY GRODY scenes where Mr. Duggar cozies up to that poor woman like the relentless horndog the indisputable evidence suggests he is. Those all have to go.

Where's The Beef? RIGHT HERE, As Usual!

Beef the first: Sometimes the things AD's daycare teachers say make me squirrelly. (you: what DOESN'T?) Today, I dressed her in one of those summery jumpers, since it's going to be 95 degrees (do you like how I just mentioned that in passing, not stopping to gripe AT ALL? DO YOU? Am turning over a new leaf SLASH 86ing boring weather hand-wringing! Oh, wait).

Anyway, I think these are supah cute. But do you know what I do NOT think is cute? Comments about how they show off her "chunky thighs" etc. YRGG! Listen. I like these teachers a lot, and they were fussing over her and trying to compliment her and make us both feel good, and I get that. I do. However. I would NEVER say anything even REMOTELY like that to a person of any age! Unfortunately, the substantial loophole in my Policy About Talking About Weight is that I cannot control what OTHERS say and do! This SUCKS, and also HELLO CAPT. OBV! Sigh. I'm no control freak, but this is one thing I WOULD control if I COULD. (Also: the weather, the temperature of my coffee, and traffic lights). I just...I don't know. A glimpse into my vast future of hating people, I guess.

Wait, is the gist of this beef basically CANNOT CONTROL OTHERS *indignant foot stamp*? Uh, pretty much. Didn't really think that one through. Still. Beef. (Attention Fussypantses-I'm not going to say anything to the teachers. Not worth it at this point, and a subsection of The Policy states Ignore When Possible)

Beef the second: I keep getting work mail addressed to Tussy FakeHispanic. TUSSY! How does this HAPPEN? Tessy IS the most common misspelling of my name, but how do you get from there to fucking TUSSY? It reminds me of that generic "Tussin" cough syrup shit! New blog title! Don't Tussle With Tussy!

Fun Fact Friday!

*The deli at my workplace labels its dressing "low-fat ranch" and "real ranch". I agree, Workplace Deli. I agree.

*My mom has a friend who used to own a diner. He was a real jokester and used to put up fake menu items (like "liver hotdish") on the specials board. When someone would order one of the joke items, he would call out from the kitchen, "sorry, we just flushed the last of it!". The ice cream flavors were listed on the menu as "chocolate, vanilla, white, and plain".

*He also used to address mail to my mom with "Brenda Herlastname, House on the Hill, Our City, MN". It always got to her too. Small towns. Gotta love 'em.

*My high school boyfriend once rollerbladed over 10 miles from a neighboring town to come visit me. It wasn't as dangerous as it sounds.

*The county where my parents grew up doesn't contain a single stoplight. In the ENTIRE COUNTY.

*We do have ONE stoplight in the town where I grew up. Big time!

*I only talk to my mom about once a week (SORRY MOM!)

*I talk to my dad even less often (SORRY DAD!)

*I love V8. I could drink it every day.

*I have an unfortunate habit of calling people "jokers" and "clowns" at work. As in, "Bob is late for our conference call. Where is that clown?". I picked this up from one of my seniors when I worked in public accounting. He called EVERYONE at the client either "joker" or "clown". You think you hate your auditors? Well, THEY HATE YOU BACK. Also, they think they are better than you. They have to. Otherwise their lives aren't worth living.

Hello, And Welcome To RANT WEEK!

Hello there, lovely people! How are your anger management skills today? Mine are NOT SO HOT, THANKS FOR ASKING!

Say, as long as you're here, are you interested in hearing about yet ANOTHER thing that I find WILDLY INAPPROPRIATE? Am I now attempting to position myself as some type of MORAL COMPASS slash MISS MANNERS: CAPS LOCK EDITION? Looks like...YES.

Today's wildly inappropriate thing is: Asking a pregnant woman whether or not she is coming back from maternity leave.

Do you ask your MALE coworkers who are expecting a baby whether or not THEY are coming back to work after their babies are born? "Say, Phil, congrats on your wife's pregnancy! You aren't going to be QUITTING ON US, now, are you? I swear, I've lost more good men that way! HAR HAR HAR!"

NO! You do not! You ASSUME they are coming back! Why not give your FEMALE coworkers the same courtesy?

This just happened to a pregnant friend, which shouldn't surprise me, since it happened to me, REPEATEDLY, when I was pregnant. I practically had to sign a notarized statement in BLOOD to convince people I was coming back. (BR: Just show them a copy of MY paycheck! That'll shut them up!).

Meanwhile, BR's boss was sending him meeting invites for 3 days after the birth! Pretty sure they hadn't written him off for good! AND, if either of us was going to bail after we had a baby, it was going to be HIM! BAH!

Anyway. WHOA. The bitterness. It is strong with this one.

Just don't do this, okay? Seriously. DON'T.

No Charge For The Rant (Lucky You!)

Listen. I have a "bee in my bonnet" or whatever the FUCK people who don't cuss call being WICKED PISSED.

And in order to tell you about it, I'm going to have to go back to all this baby name business. I know. Apologies. Kinda. Although, based on the number of Google hits I get for "messingwithtexas MOMMYBLOG", this blog falls squarely into that category and is therefore excused. SIGH. I also write about food and hating people, Googlers! GOD!

Anyway, ever since the Social Security name list came out, I've been reading lots of blog posts and comments and whatnot on the list, and WORSE, fielding dumbass comments from everyone I know on the popularity of AD's name. Which is why I so enjoyed Swistle's post on Why Naming Your Child One of the Top 10 Names Will Not Give Either of You a Lifetime of Sorrow and/or The Oozing Clap [paraphrasing here, OBV]. She successfully makes the point I have been TRYING and TRYING to make, online and off, which is this:

You can scoff and eyeroll and rend your garments all you like about the Top 10 names and how boring and lame and horribly abused they are, but even the most popular of names is not common. NO NAME IS (anymore). DO THE MATH!

Nothing makes me more angry than when people refuse to believe the math! As if math were an OPINION that can be refuted by anecdotal "evidence" such as "There are 17 Avas in my daughter's class! Ava is the most overused name in all of the kingdom! ALL ROADS LEAD TO AVA!". I don't doubt that this HAS been your experience, but here's the thing:

IT IS MATHEMATICALLY IMPOSSIBLE for that situation to be anything other than an extreme outlier. It's statistically unlikely that any group will have more than one Ava, or Emma, or Hannah. It CAN HAPPEN, obviously. But it can happen in the way that you CAN win the lottery. You shouldn't MAKE DECISIONS based on the (slim) chances, just as you shouldn't buy a home assuming you will win the lottery before the mortgage payment comes due.

Basically, the thesis of my rant is that while statistics may seem irrelevant to the individual, that hurts my statistic-y HEART, and just because you are not interested in my math doesn't make it ANY LESS TRUE.

The End.

Oh dear. That was a particularly nonsensical one, eh? Well, it's after lunch. That's what you get. Plus, I've been stewing on this all day and that never ends in brilliant articulation. Ah well.

PS-Speaking of baby-related rants SLASH trainwrecks, why didn't anyone TELL ME the mofo DUGGARS are having another baby?

WHY GOD WHY?

*Does "my weather team" INSIST that there is a "chance of rain" EVERY. EFFING. DAY? Even though the threatened precipitation rarely, if EVER, materializes?

*Did our waiter last night insist on telling us that we couldn't order milk because "the last jug had just gone bad"? Why not just say, "SORRY, WE SEEM TO BE OUT OF MILK", while conspicuously omitting any mention of spoiling?

*Would you ever allow your child to wallow in a bonafide MUD PIT while wearing her brand-new white t-shirt and monogrammed bloomers?

*Can I not buy BEER in a box?

*Do food marketers persist in labeling things CHOLESTEROL-FREE! As if this were the 1980s and we still CARED about that shit?

*Does our eye doctor insist on calling ME to remind me about BR's appointments, as if I am his "Administrative Professional"?

*Does Excel not "insert a sheet" to the RIGHT of the last sheet; you know, where I want it ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME?

*Am I still wicked cranky, even after watching Things Younger Than McCain (Plutonium!)?

Featuring Bonus Inadvisable Content!

Doesn't ANYONE else want to chit-chat about the Social Security name list that just came out? Just me? I thought as a group you guys would be ALL UP IN that shit, but so far...no. Just the briefest of mentions on Swistle's Baby Names blog. Phooey. Well, if you ARE down, here's your chance.

First, let's start with the most recently named member of the family. AD's name is very popular. I'll stop short of saying exactly what it is, even though many of you know already and I am making it WICKED OBVIOUS just by saying THAT MUCH. Anyway. It's popular. Which, you know, is not IDEAL, but is not (in my opinion) the life curse many people seem to think it is. I'm still happy with her name, despite its raging current popularity, for several reasons:

• "Popular" is relative. Even though the name is high on the numbered list, only about 8/10 of 1% of all babies born in 2007 were given that name. It's a big country, and that's not that many "AD"s.
  
  
• "Popular" is regional. Although the state-by-state lists haven't come out yet, in 2006, AD's name was popular nationwide, but not very popular in Texas. Interestingly enough, we found out after we had already chosen the name that it was in the top 5 in both of our home states.
  
  
• The SS list doesn't combine different spellings of the same name. So, "Sara" and "Sarah" are two separate names with separate rankings. This means that many names are more popular than they seem, and others with only one accepted spelling, like AD's name, are LESS popular than they seem.
  
  
• I just love the name. It was one of those situations where I had my heart set on it for years and YEARS. I wouldn't have cared if it was number ONE. I think it goes beautifully with a Hispanic last name, without giving off a deceiving Real Hispanic vibe.
  
  
• It's fucking AVA, okay? GOD. I'm so SICK of this shit! So dumb. Don't tell BR I told you. In fact, I'll probably have to delete this later, just in case. WHATEVAH. It was WORTH IT, just for the FREEEEDOM!!

More naming fun!

• Tessie is not in the top 1000 for any of the past 15 years
• BR's name is in the top 150, although I suspect it's somewhat higher in Texas
• My favorite girl name, Elena, is ranked #192 in 2007. I haven't heard of any other Avas in her daycare, but just TODAY a new toddler named Elena joined her class. What the?

Here's what I want from you (ooo, ASSERTIVE!).

1)How does YOUR name and/or your children's names rank? Does it fill you with rage, or are you in the acceptance SLASH denial phase?

2)What are some of the names of the kids in your child(ren)'s daycare/playgroup/class?

(Some Of) You Ask, I Answer

So, some of you claim to be interested in seeing my entire health kick blogroll, eh? LIARS. Well, I am CALLING YOUR BLUFF. The rest of you are excused.


*Mark's Daily Apple-This is my favorite all-around health kick blog. The information is good, the writing is good, and the posts are frequent. Definitely a keeper.

*FitnessFixation-Close second. Bonus points for being wicked funny and using cusswords.

*Cranky Fitness-Tagline: Your guide to health, fitness, nutrition, personal development, and whining. Authors: Crabby McSlacker and Merry Sunshine. Come on, now. How can you go wrong?

*Fithacks-Tagline: Fitness for geeks. Tips and tricks and such. Good times.

*Healthbolt-More of an all-around health topics site (as opposed to just fitness or diet). Very thorough and science-based, as opposed the usual crappy health "advice" you see in magazines and newspapers (DIE HEALTH JOURNALISTS!)

*Protein Power (Dr. Mike Eades)-You meat-avoiders aren't going to like this one. AT ALL. Pretty technical and science-based, but great if you are interested in diet research. Definite bias towards low-carb/high protein diets.

If YOU are reading any health kick blogs that I should be reading, by all means! Lay them on me! Unless they are about the art of meat-avoiding. That's going to be a hard sell.

P.S.-I have not read ONE barfy Mothers Day post yet today! What is wrong with you people? I had better not come in to find, like, THIRTY on Monday! That's too much barf for one day.

Fun(ish) Fact Friday!

*My nickname in high school was "Eunice".

*Most of my friends and family call me "Tess". You can too, if you want.

*I wish I would have thought to call myself "Texxie" before Jane did. That would have been the PERFECT blog pseudonym.

*I read a lot of health kick-y blogs. My favorite one is Mark's Daily Apple.

*I used to work as an auditor for a Big 4 Accounting Firm. I hated it, and I sucked at it. I think it's utterly ridiculous that it's some kind of CPA Status Symbol.

*I think BR would make an excellent auditor for a Big 4 Accounting Firm.

*I sign all of the checks at my company (I KNOW!). Yesterday I signed a check for a million dollars.

*I love salad. I eat some form of salad pretty much every day. My favorite dressing is blue cheese.

*I collect wineglass charms (you know, these). I almost always use one, even if I'm by myself.

*My favorite Tom Cruise movie is Cocktail. What's yours?

Tomorrow, I Hate PUPPIES Too!

Okay, this is going to sound bad, and it IS bad, but I'm sorta pissed at one of the sweet little girls in AD's daycare class. It sucks because this little girl is so cute, and has the cutest name (Mia), and is one of AD's favorite playmates, AND she's a Fake Hispanic too! They are destined to be BFFs! Which is why it's truly unfortunate that I am forced to hate her. BUT I AM.

Here's the deal. Everyone knows that the best part of retrieving your toddler from daycare or playgroup or the grandparents' house or whatev is the moment your kid first sees you. And their eyes light up with recognition, and maybe they even screech "MAMA!", and toss aside whatever they are playing with to run over, really pumping the arms and everything which is OMG so funny. Am I right? And you really look forward to this moment in your day, and appreciate it as one of the best parts of parenting, and time stops and a spotlight shines on you and your perfect child like on that Charlie Brown Christmas Special, and there's a cheesy soundtrack and BLAH DE BLAH. Back to the hating of innocents!

Anyway, this little girl is ruining my life! She has taken to posting herself at the window of the classroom during the general "picking up" time and announcing the arrival of each parent as soon as they've turned the corner into the hallway! I can hear her screeching "AD! Mommy! AD! Mommy!"(she actually does say "AD", for boring slash weird reasons related to what they call AD at daycare)(not "AD", in case you were worried)(GOD, I hate people who use initials as pseudonyms, i.e. MYSELF). At any rate, by the time I get there, AD is already at the door, ready to go! And I have been robbed of the element of surprise, as well as the pleasure slash horror of seeing her hipcheck all of the other kids into the boards as she frantically makes her way toward me! BOO!

I mean, it's SORT OF cute, and actually pretty impressive that this little girl recognizes me as AD's mom, and clearly she won't be needing the lasah anytime soon, good LORD, but still. COME ON KID! You are seriously harshing my buzz here! COOL IT, Paul Revere!

P.S.-Can we just accept that this post has some heinous pronoun-antecedent agreement issues and move on? Excellent. (Did I just say ANTECEDENT?)(Or do I mean SUBJECT-VERB agreement?)(Jesus H. Hole. Getting. Bigger.)

A Nerve. It Has Been Touched.

So, this morning I was reading -R-'s post, and even after switching to a boring work task I find I am STILL PISSED about the topic(s), which is a sign that I should just do my OWN post and RELEASE THE HATE already.

If you haven't read the post, one of the things -R- talks about is going to lunch with a friend, and finding out later that the friend had discussed how much -R- ate with another person. They thought it was "funny" that she ate "so much" (She DIDN'T)(NOT THAT IT MATTERS).

Oh, man. Ohmanohmanohman. This topic. You do not want...me...to...start...and yet...

IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE TO COMMENT ON HOW MUCH ANYONE EATS OR DOES NOT EAT. TO THAT PERSON, OR ANYONE ELSE.

Ever. Ever, ever, never, do not do it, FULL STOP, over and out, World Without End, AMEN.

This is big with me. It's not like I've had some kind of traumatic experience or anything (although I AM a hearty eater, and people DO love to comment on it), but I certainly know people who have. This is one reason why I have A Policy that I do not talk about weight, mine or anyone else's, or comment on what people eat or don't eat, or even RESPOND to those kind of comments when someone ELSE makes them. You never know how a weight or food-related comment will affect someone, be it your child, spouse, friend, coworker, WHATEVER. I don't care HOW well you know the person. Your "intent" does not matter.

The size of the person you are talking to/about ALSO does not matter. I have known just as many thin people with unhealthy food/body obsessions as overweight people. IF NOT MORE. You should not assume that it's okay to make fun of how much I eat, since I am not overweight. You should not assume that it's okay to comment on my weight, since I am not overweight. It's not.

Like I told -R- in my comment on her post, I usually find that the people who cannot resist commenting on what people eat are the ones with the food issues. Sort of like how many people in the nutrition field have food issues (They DO! Don't get me started on THIS either!).

Anyway. If you want to "be the change you want to see in the world" and all that happy Gandhi bullshit, then I am BEGGING you. STOP TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT. At best, it's not appropriate, and at WORST, you might be really hurting someone who JUST WANTS TO ENJOY HER GODDAMNED PANCAKES WITHOUT COMMENT, for the love of christ.

*PANT PANT PANT*

It Gets Better. Also: Funnier

So, remember how I thought the 18-month stage was total junk? With the whining, and the clinging, and the hell-beasting all over the place? Well, in the interest of fair and balanced reporting, I must tell you that things are much better now, as promised by the Internets! Well, until the next hellish stage, at least. Which is what, two? Whatever. LIVE IN THE NOW!

Anyway, she still wants to be moving all of the time, but the whining and begging to be picked up, which was the WORST part by FAR, has gotten a lot better. And, she will play alone occasionally now, provided one of us is in the general area and the dogs don't get up in her bidness ("MOVE, BUDDIES! MOOOVE!")

"Put an object, if you can, on the cutting board or in the pan! Put an object, if you can, on the cutting board or in the pan!" I would like to put an object on the cutting board or in the pan, and that object is a GRENADE! GAH!

Her "bike". That handle thingee is cool in theory, but in practice we are not allowed to touch it, OBV. She does not require our Parental Guidance!

Also, she eats just about anything now, including...uh, PUSH-UPS. All natural! Particularly that orange color!

LOOK AT THESE! Effing SHOX for the love of god! Can you BELIEVE these? (you: yes. yes, we can, Sporty Spice)

So, overall, things are about 148% more awesome now than just a few short months ago. For whatever reason, I wasn't really prepared for that 18-month thing. You always hear about "getting through the first year", and the "terrible twos" and how "three is worse than two", but no one says BOO to you about the second year, even though I thought it contained some of the most heinous parenting shit so far.

Still, in general, I am liking each older age better. One thing I didn't take into account when I was thinking about having a kid was how funny kids can be. I like funny. Funny is a big-time coping mechanism for me (YOU DON"T SAY, TESSIE!). I thought I would be a baby person, but here's the thing: babies aren't all that funny. They are CUTE and some are cuddly, but they don't BOO heartily or clap enthusiatically during American Idol. They don't walk into their daycare classroom, lift up their skirt and happily screech "BUTT!", while showing off their new monogrammed bloomers.

There's a lot of great internet writing (by the emotionally UN-crippled) about being ready to have kids, and people's thoughts before and after having kids, and for what it's worth, I'd like to add my two cents, which is: if you are funny and silly by nature, and you value those things in your life and in other people, I think you might be surprised at how you'll do as a parent.

So, BRING IT, older ages!

Yeah, yeah," just wait until DOT DOT DOT", I know. Haters.

Go Green! Offset My Heinous Planet-Hating!

Okay, I have been wanting to ask you guys a question FOREVER, but I haven't because 1) I can't remember SHIT unless aided by copious post-it notes stuck to every available surface and 2) It's sort of a dick question to begin with. And yet. Here it is:

Am I allowed to drive in the HOV lane if it's just AD and me in the car?

Listen. I KNOW it's against the entire spirit of the HOV lane, even if it IS legal. It's a dick move, since AD would not be driving her own car, even if I wasn't generously carpooling her tiny ass around town. I KNOW THIS. But! Hear my pathetic excuses and rationalizations!

PEAR #1: The HOV lanes are practically DESERTED here, because NO ONE carpools. Carpooling is for HIPPIES, and you know how Texas feels about them! There's plenty of room, is what I'm saying!

PEAR #2: Using the HOV lane would seriously cut my commute in HALF. A commute made with a screechy, exhausted, carseat-hating TODDLER. Think of the CHILDREN!

PEAR #3: I don't use the HOV lane now, and I WOULDN'T use it except in a Commuting Emergency (bad traffic, extra-screechy toddler, liquor store closes at 6, etc). I would only be an OCCASIONAL planet-hater! Also, I promise I would totally feel bad about it!

PEAR #4: By using the HOV lane, I am actually HELPING by diverting traffic from the heavily traveled lanes to the deserted ones! Think of the improved FLOW! Ugg. This one is definitely reaching.

Anyway. These PEARS all assume it's even LEGAL, which is my question to you. Is it? I can't find ANYTHING on this on the TXDOT website. It just says the car must contain "more than one occupant". I have to assume the "who would normally be driving" is implied, though. Or not. HELP!

Refresh This Week! REFRESH, I SAY!

Okay, so I am wearing a skirt today, right? Whatever, just play along. Apparently the Extreme Makeover is complete, as I just had the following exchange at the copier (The Tessmeister! Makin' copies!):

Crazy Coworker: Hey Miss Tessie! (GAH! I HATE THIS! What is the DEAL, southerners?)
Tessie: Hi! [subtext: don't call me "Miss Tessie" and also I hate you]
Crazy Coworker: Ooo, I like your skirt! You look like a GROWN-UP!

The End.

Fun Fact Friday!

*I have to have an "adjustment" on my left eye, as it was "undercorrected" by the lasah. Which sounds like medical code for FUCK UP to me, but whatev. So, that (also) sucks.

*My favorite Google search phrases this week were: "circumference of texas", "most boring powerpoint", "daycare is bullshit", and (CLEAR WINNER and possible new tagline) "shake it off, we're all going to die anyway"

*I went to prom all four years of high school: once as a junior, once as a senior, and twice as the guest of a junior or senior. I had to have a note from my mom to attend as a freshman.

*As a senior, I went to prom with the Homecoming King. We were just friends. Probably because he is gay.

*BR really wants to be on The Amazing Race. Not with ME, OBV. Horror. We would kill each other dead within minutes. With his best friend from college.

*There is going to be a new Center Stage movie! OMG OMG OMG! AND, So You Think You Can Dance is about to start again! Okay, my mood is significantly lifted just typing that.

*As kids, my sister and I used to choreograph dance routines and perform them for friends and family. We also co-choreographed a routine for our high school dance team once. We nearly killed each other.

*I still haven't hung my diplomas on the wall of my office, because I can't decide if that's weird (slash obnoxious) or not. Is it?

*I'm going to see Baby Mama tonight with Erica.

*BR brought AD to see Baby Mama last weekend while I was in Baton Rouge. True story. He claims she was good and slept through the second half, but I am skeptical. Also, WHO DOES THAT?

Sometimes I Suck, And One of Those Times Is Now

So, I'm not doing so great this morning. Nothing truly bad has happened, or anything, but some little crappy things have happened, and all of them are my fault. Which, to me, is the very WORST kind of bad. So, I Suck. And not in the usual, funny kind of way.

It's weird with me, because I can take a lot of shit from other people. It's extremely hard to offend me, or hurt my feelings, or even to piss me off for any length of time, despite the egregious overuse of the CAPS LOCK and !!! keys on this blog. People can be rude, or hurtful, or even downright MEAN to me, and none of that is likely to put me in any kind of Lasting Mood.

But when I have screwed up? DOOM. Total Eeyore.

Yesterday I made a bad mistake at work. I missed something on a legal document that I SHOULD have caught. It was 100% my fault. I was a Total Skimmer. And the worst part is that it makes my boss look bad to HIS boss, which as we all know is the very PINNACLE of Unfortunate Work Errors. This is the kind of thing that makes me question what I am doing in a profession that requires A Certain Level of Fussiness, which I am well (WELL!) below. I usually feel that my atypical CPA personality is a STRENGTH at work, but...it's not always. People expect Fussy for a REASON.

Also, this morning I left a blog comment that I regretted. It was Mean Funny, and even worse, it implied that the blog author AGREED with me, an implication I had no right to make. As a result of the Nervous Tummy, I would NEVER intentionally leave a comment designed to Raise Hackles. And yet. Sometimes I really don't THINK IT THROUGH FOAH THE LOVE OF GAWD.

So, what do you think my punishment should be? How about if I post one of the dorkiest photos ever taken of me?

No?

Anyway, if you are looking to make me feel better, which you really shouldn't be doing, since I honestly DO suck, you could always tell me about a blog comment YOU have left that you regretted. It'll be just like confession. I'm Catholic, and everything. Hell, I practically AM a priest, what with all the drinking and fucking up all over the place.