Fun Fact Friday: Wrist Circumference Edition!

*The median wrist circumference of those who commented (n=51) is 6 inches. That was also the most common answer (30% of you reported 6 inches; another 20% reported 5.75 inches).


*91% of you have a wrist circumference of 6.5 inches or less.


*This NIH website tells you how to calculate your body frame size based on your height and wrist circumference.


*I still haven't started taking calcium, even though I keep a bottle on my desk.


*I have all kinds of fancy vitamins on my desk, but most of the time I take a Flintstones with Iron and the Omega-3 fish oils. I love those damned Flintstones (who doesn't?). Huge horsepill multivitamin? Not so much.


*BR is a former professional athlete. He started college at age 23 after an injury forced him to quit competing.


*BR refuses to take vitamins, even though he has the WORST DIET KNOWN TO MAN.


*I ran track in high school, and I HATED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. I used to PRAY that it would start raining and the meets would be cancelled before my event (3200 meters). I'm a faster runner now than I was in high school, and I enjoy it a lot more.


*BR wasn't a runner before he met me. When we met, I was training for the Twin Cities Marathon. Now, 6 years later, he's running the Boston Marathon (and I'M NOT, have I mentioned my BITTERNESS yet?). Again with the COPYCATTING and the COMPETITIVENESS.


*My request for your wrist circumferences elicited the highest number of comments ever on this blog (59). Man, you guys are awesome. Don't worry Paula, I won't be asking for your ASS circumference next. I mean, if you want to give it to me, I'll totally post it, but I'm certainly not going to ASK. That's just RUDE.

Bonus fun fact! I'm out of the office today for a Dork Convention (CPA thing)! GAH! I'll catch up with you cats shortly, pinky swear!

True Story

Tessie: My kid has a fever.
Pediatrician: Oh it's probably just a virus, but let's do a strep test just in case.
Tessie: Okay.
Pediatrician: Wow, she's the youngest child I've seen with strep throat yet! AND she's getting about 4 new teeth!
Tessie: Of course she is.
Pediatrician: Good luck with that.

Two Blind Mice

So, I scheduled an appointment to have LASIK next Friday! YAY! This is exciting and creepy and all, but my predominant emotion by far is an intense fear that something will happen to my glasses in the next few days. Wouldn't that just TOTALLY SUCK? I would have to take to my bed like an invalid, shirking all duties save for eating and drinking. Lord knows I'm not buying a new pair of glasses NOW, universe, so DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

Oh, and by-the-by, guess who ELSE is getting Lasik next Friday? BR, that lasah-suspecting fucker! God, he's such a COPYCAT. The ink wasn't even dry on my appointment card before he was scheduling his own consultation. Now we have back-to-back appointments. People, I TOLD you he was competitive. Also, he can now commence driving me MENTAL with his Frets and Ruminations.

Tessie: Dude, what the HELL? It thought you were all SUSPICIOUS [also: chicken] and shit?
BR: I know. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.
Tessie: You're 34.
BR: Exactly.
Tessie: So, you're only going to live to be 68?
BR: That's the plan.
Tessie: Good to know. I should be able to squeeze in at LEAST one more husband, if not two.


BR: Should I go FIRST or SECOND?
Tessie: Go second so you can watch me.
BR: NO WAY! If I watch you, then I won't want to go!
Tessie: Go first then! Damn!
BR: NO WAY! You just want to save youahself if I go blind!
Tessie: If you go blind, I'll totally still do it.
BR: You would, too.


BR: Who do you think would be a bettah seeing eye dog aftah we'ah blind, Jager or Sasha?
Tessie: Sasha. Jager's too lazy.
BR: WHATEVAH. You can have Sasha. The first cat that crosses youah blind ass, you ah TOAST.
Tessie: Jesus H., we're NOT GOING BLIND.
BR: Poor AD. It's gonna suck having TWO blind parents.

So, yeah. SERENITY NOW and all that. Also, stay away from my glasses for the next 10 days and I am so serious.

P.S.-You guys! It's not too late to give me your wrist circumference! Don't be shy, this blog is totally HIPPA-compliant! I'll compile the results for Friday's Fun Facts. DO IT! You can totally suck it in while you measure, Dr. Oz says so.

Fun Fact Friday: Featuring All New Facts!

*When I met BR, he was interning and only planned to stay in Texas for 8 weeks before returning to Boston. He's been here 6 years.


*BR was born in the Bronx. When he was young, his family moved to the Dorchester area in South Boston (a boy genius from Southie!).


*The guy I dated before BR was from New York and wrestled at Boston College.


*I have sort of, uh, a THING for the East Coast and its unfortunate men. My perfect hypothetical man is the character Will from Good Will Hunting.


*BR "chooses the wrench" a lot in his life ("Why the wrench? Because fuck him, that's why.")


*My mom bought AD a toy dump truck to play with. The first thing she did was cover it with a blankie and put it to "nigh-nights" beside her doll.


*I subscribe to the following cooking magazines: Cooking Light, Everyday Food, Taste of Home, Healthy Cooking, Gourmet, and that Pillsbury magazine you see at checkout stands.


*If we have another girl (Not!Pregnant!), I want to use the name Elena.


*I take Omega-3 fish oil supplements. They don't taste bad (or come up tasting bad) if you freeze them.


*What I SHOULD be taking is calcium. I'm at high risk for bone issues due to my small frame. I once heard that when evaluating your frame size, you should use your wrists as a guide. The circumference of my wrist is 5 1/4 inches.

Shake It Off

Here's the thing about being an emotional cripple, you guys. I'll have some kind of Moment or whatever, maybe during Amercian effing Idol for the love of god, and then I'll just take it in, mull it over, and...that's it. Two seconds later I shake it off, probably with some pithy internal comment like "Well! That was fun! Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy!" and move along. I never mention it to anyone. I didn't even mention the Let It Be thing to BR. And this is totally how I roll in life.

Anyway, one reason I really enjoy my blog is because I'm using it to get better at this. It feels like progress to me even writing this stuff down. Maybe someday I'll *GASP* say some shit like this OUT LOUD (don't hold your breath, friends and family).

Yesterday after I published that post, I felt intensely uncomfortable and...SQUIRRELLY for the rest of the day. It was simplisitic! It came out wrong! I can't ever say stuff the way I want to! I wanted to delete it. I wanted to edit it to put in a joke at the end. GAH! Do I have raging issues, or WHAT?

Anyway, thanks for playing along, and Letting It Be (weird and awk) and all that.

****************

Hellbeast Update!

*They are doing an egg hunt today at AD's daycare, and although that sounds cute and awesome and festive and all, I can't help but wonder how the hell you DO that with a group of toddlers. I mean, don't they all just run around screaming "MINE! MIIIIINE!" and losing their tiny little minds? Do you have to send them out one at a time, and have them tag each other in and out, or WHAT?

*Getting AD changed and dressed these days is making me want to DIE. I have to PIN HER DOWN to change her diaper, and I can barely do it. She screams and twists around and tries to run off. It reminds me of the passage in Operating Instructions where Anne Lamott says of her son, "he acts like I'm trying to BRAND him".

*AD loves wearing dresses and for some reason this shocks me. She is just SO BUCKY about stuff lately, that I guess I assumed she would not be down with anything advocated by The Man. The reason I started dressing her in them to begin with was because they minimize the Epic Dressing Battle, since all I have to do is get ONE thing over her head, done and DONE. But her daycare teachers have actually reported an improvement in MOOD when she wears them. Uh, okay. Weird and fussy, but okay (the Motto of The Toddler!)

Boring Food Post: Cheery Spring Edition!

One of my favorite television food personalities of all time is Sara Moulton. She's pleasant and cheerful without being PERKY (Rachael fucking Ray), knowledgeable without being SMUG (Bobby Flay, Mario Batali), and demonstrates without being CONDESCENDING like some kind of Psychotic Kindergarten Teacher (Sandra Lee, Paula Deen).

Anyway, several years ago I watched one of her shows on starting a tradition in her family of serving pasta primavera on the first day of spring. Despite the fact that this happened in college and therefore I was likely drunk or hungover, I managed to retain those particular brain cells, and I've been doing it ever since. The pasta primavera thing, that is. FOCUS! (Gah, there is NO HOPE for this paragraph! Go towards the light!)

Horrifying syntax aside, I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this, which is RECIPE CITY. God, I hope you people like FOOD, because you don't seem to be getting much else out of me lately.

Spring Pasta Primavera

1/2 lb. uncooked pasta (I like spaghetti or angel hair with this)
2 cups diagonally cut thin asparagus (I use one pkg of frozen)
1/2 cup peas
1 Tbsp. olive oil
1 small yellow bell pepper, julienned (GAH! DISGUST! I omit this, OBV)
1 small red onion, thinly sliced (or 1/2 large onion)
2 garlic cloves, minced (I use 3)
1 cup halved cherry or grape tomatoes
2/3 cup chicken broth
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper (could omit for kids, but really adds to the taste)
1/4 - 1/2 cup grated fresh parmesan cheese
1/4 cup thinly sliced fresh basil

Cook pasta, adding asparagus and peas during last minute or two of cooking. Drain and place in large bowl. Heat oil in skillet over medium-high heat. Add bell pepper, onion, and garlic; saute 5 min. Add tomatoes; saute 1 min. Stir in broth, cream, salt, and red pepper; cook 2 minutes or until heated through. Add tomato mixture to pasta mixture; toss to coat. Sprinkle with cheese and basil.

ATTENTION FUSSYPANTSES: I know TOMORROW is the first day of spring, not TODAY, I just thought it through for once and thought you might want to PREPARE and shit.

Edited to add Bonus Boring Food Anecdote: Yesterday I got a Google hit for "baggie guilt", which may be the most AWESOME search phrase EVER.

Back To A Nice Relaxing Day at Work

Well, I was off yesterday for a random day of vacation, and I worked myself TO THE BONE people! My main goal for the day was to get a couple of pans of lasagna into the freezer, which I did, and can I tell you guys just how long my lasagna recipe takes to prepare from start to finish? THREE FUCKING HOURS, that's how long! I nearly WEPT when I finally took it out of the oven. Jesus. The things I do for these so-called Loved Ones.

BR: Why is theah SOWAH CREAM in this? [sour cream is on the list of Foods BR Will Totally Eat, As Long As He Doesn't Know About It Beforehand]

Tessie: That's not sour cream, that's CREAM SAUCE.

BR: Whatevah!

Tessie: Don't "whatevah" me! Sour cream is barely in the same CATEGORY as cream sauce! Also, why would I put sour cream in LASAGNA?

BR: *Look Of Suspicion*

Tessie: THREE HOURS!

Meanwhile, AD was shoveling it in handfuls at a time. INCLUDING Cream Sauce of Suspicion. I ask you, who is the toddler here?

***************

Speaking of toddlers, is there anything cuter than toddler gymnastics? Answer: only the leotards.

You: Isn't it a little EARLY to start living vicariously through your child, Tessie?

Me: You're one of those "my child plays quietly alone for hours" people, aren't you?

Fun Fact Friday!

Fun Facts!

• I have several fancy wine-openers, but my favorite one, and the one that works the best, is a $1 pocket wine key (the kind that folds up to look sort of like a pocket knife). I've had it since I waited tables in college. It was 1 (ONE) U.S. DOLLAR, PEOPLE. In 1998.
  
  
• The top three search phrases for this blog are "math quizzles", "counting back change", and variations of "2000 Flushes Blue sucks".
  
  
• Both my maiden name and my married name have Superfluous Capital Letters and can be written with or without a space. This drives me INSANE.
  
  
• BR wanted to name AD "Joaquin" if she was a boy. True story.
  
  
• I keep ordering Wendy's Kids Meals trying to score the Caddoo travel game that kept AD busy DURING AN ENTIRE CHURCH SERVICE while my mom was here. Why don't I just ASK for that toy when I order, you say? Oh, Skimmers. I love ya.
  
  
• BR was a Field Medic when he was in the Army (I TOLD you Greg's a male nurse). He says their philosophy was "pain is the patient's problem". This is SO HIM.
  
  
• BR is agnostic. It doesn't bother me at all.
  
  
• One of us wants AD to go to public school and one of us wants AD to go to Catholic school.
  
  
• I'm drinking my coffee out of a mug that I won for giving the Best Persuasive Speech in one of my grad school classes. The title of the speech was "Why I Will Die In a Fiery Wreck if You Don't Buy Me a New Car".
  
  
• Friday is my busiest work day of the week, thanks to a standing Monday morning meeting led by my boss. I can almost never take Fridays off, and THIS SUCKS.

Speaking of Minnesota (WHAT?)

Some very persistent Googler has been on a quest for Tator Tot Hotdish for WEEKS now, and it's making me feel bad, since one of my life mottos is No Hotdish Seeker Left Behind. Anyway, here's where I originally posted the recipe I use. Also, I'm positively BRIMMING with hotdish recipes, so email me if you ever find yourself in some kind of Hotdish Crisis. If you have Cream of Mushroom in the pantry, I'll fill in the gaps.

Transcription of online convo with my (awesome) sister this morning:

Mandy: I go to pick up my new car tonight-I'm pumped! It's going to be great to have cruise control and air conditioning!
Tessie: NICE. What are you doing with the Escort, demolition derby?
Mandy: Pfft. No! I'm getting $500 for that beast! She's a beaut Clark! [OMFG, I love my sister]
Tessie: You totally hosed them on that one, eh? They only gave me $250 for the Dynasty when it finally died. My goal is to drive cars until their value is less than or equal to zero.
Mandy:He originally offered $250 but I was not having it. I mean, I realize practically the whole bumper is missing--but the interior is still in perfect condition (minus the chicken nuggets and french fries fossilized between the seats).

I miss Minnesota, The End.

Kids: They Are Separate From You!

I once had a friend in college who, while complaining about his Helicoptor Mother, said to me, "Parents. They think if they didn't teach you something directly, then you couldn't possibly know it".

Man, isn't that the truth? In theory, I know that AD is off at "school" all day, learning shit and dancing a jig and collecting plague microbes and whatev, but it still shocks me everytime she pulls something totally new (to me) out of her tiny ass.

Last night we were out getting the mail, and a black cat crossed our path (ruh-roh):

Tessie: Look, a KITTY!
AD: Me-wow!
Tessie (out loud): The kitty DOES say meow! Where did you learn that?
Tessie (in head): Not from ME, that's for damn sure. Maybe she's a Parselmouth. That would be SO AWESOME. I knew BR was a wizard!

This is like the time when I discovered that she also inexplicably knows the signs for "more", "milk", and "all done". Which, I, uh, sort of had to look up after the fact. Good thing SOMEONE's on the stick with this stuff, eh? (WHO?)(Way to follow up, Tessie!)

Where am I GOING with this? This post is reeking of BRAGGY, when I really meant to say I SUCK (there's a fresh theme!) and also have some kind of motherly ego issue which prevents me from processing the idea that my kid can learn stuff when I'm not around.

Well, at the very least she should start bringing home stuff that's useful TO ME, like Spanish or the meaning behind LOST or something.

I Hear They Also Make Donuts (PFFFT)

Oh my GOD I have had a lot of coffee this morning. I know, I'm the Little Girl Who Cried Coffee. This time I really mean it! I went to Dunkin Donuts today! Those wily East Coast bastards are popping up EVERYWHERE around here! TEXAS NOW RUNS ON DUNKINS PEOPLE. WHEEE!

BR is pumped, even though he doesn't drink coffee (or pop, WHAT THE FUCK?). His family is seriously hahdcore on the Dunkins, that's for sure. The last time they were here they revealed that none of them had ever been to Starbucks. Um, QUE? I thought EVERYONE had? I mean Boston, that's in AMERICA, right? But they also drink plain iced coffee (WRONG on so many levels), so what do they know? I bolt my coffee fast enough without introducing a fucking STRAW into the equation. In summary: wait, what?

We pause for this brief(ish) boring message (totally not pausing):

PSA: Blogger Profiles

• I've had a few new commenters lately (GRACIAS!)(Tourettes en espanol today!), and I've noticed that many of you who use Blogger don't have public profiles (i.e. when I click on your name from your comment, I can't get to your profile and therefore your blog). If that's the way you WANT it, that's totally cool and awesome and earns the BR Seal of Approval, but it has come to my attention that some people DON'T want it that way but just don't know how to change it. If you use Blogger, and you don't mind others finding your blog through the hilarious and poignant comments you no doubt leave, here's what to do:

1. Go to your Blogger Dashboard (where you sign into your account)
2. Off to the far right, click the Edit Profile link
3. Under Edit User Profile, check the "Share My Profile" Box
4. Click "Save Profile" at the bottom of the page
5. Go ahead and top off your coffee (still totally counting it as one cup)

Hey Skimmers. Yeah, there's more, down here. What's that, this doesn't APPLY to you? How about I APPLY my fist to your kneecap? (why the kneecap?)(this is totally the coffee talking)(NEW TAGLINE!).

Things I'm Crabby About--Another Fresh Topic Idea

*BR is running the Boston Marathon in April. This is filling me with bitterness (slash sour grapes), mostly because I've never qualified for Boston (you have to run another marathon under a certain time to be eligible), nor am I likely to qualify any time soon. I was very close to qualifying before I found out I was pregnant with AD, but then the whole gestating and birthing thing happened (TO ME. BR came away miraculously unscathed). Also, he was kind enough to train for several qualifying races we had planned to do together while I watched sadly from the Pregnant Bench, which I thought was so, so SWEET, and did (does) not make me want to punch anyone in the face AT ALL.

Anyway, the qualifying time for my age group is 3 hours, 40 minutes, which translates to just under 8:30/mile pace. For 26.2 miles. OR, I could just wait until I'm 80, when I'll have a leisurely 5 hours and 30 minutes to qualify. BAH. What's stopping me from running my ass into the ground and training for a qualifying time NOW, you ask? SHUT UP, that's what. Leave me to my bitterness.


*I tried to bring AD to see the mall Easter Bunny this weekend. *SIGH* *Punches desk repeatedly*. Do I even need to go on with this story?


*Would you like to see the most depressing picture ever taken of me?
Putting aside the fact that I'm on my hands and knees cleaning up some kind of Toxic Spill, while The Spiller looks on in glee, LOOK AT MY HAIR! People, I have not had a haircut in OVER A YEAR, and this is how I wear my hair ALL THE TIME. I'm wearing it like that NOW. At WORK. What haircut do you recommend for someone with straight, limpish hair who also requires a morning hair "routine" of five minutes or less? Where that five minutes also includes a shower?

Hot or Not?*

So, you guys are not down with David Hernandez, the gay male stripper? Well, PFFT. I said he is HOT, is all! I made no comment on his talent or topless gay bartending ability! Damn you wimmins and your inability to separate hotness as an independent variable!

Also, when I said I "liked" David Archuleta and Jason Castro, I meant I liked them as favorites in the competition! I don't LIKE THEM like them! EWW! David Archuleta looks like a 13-year old choir boy (seriously, doesn't that kid just SCREAM Mormon?) and Jason Castro looks like a GIRL!

Phew. Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.

But since we've already Gone There, you know who else I have a crush on?

Gordon Ramsey, that's who! How do you like THAT, internets?

Assholes. It's a theme with me. Also: Fussy Taunters

*Do you guys REMEMBER this website? Horrifying. I'm afraid to look and see if it's still out there. Although if I DID look, I would definitely try to find the picture of an ex-boyfriend, who back in the day submitted a topless photo of himself IN FRONT OF THE ITALIAN FLAG. GAH!

Three Things: Bring The Funk Edition

*In a highly original turn of events, I am experiencing some kind of late-winter FUNK. My mood is positively FOUL, people! Everything's a pain in my ass, I hate all of my clothes and shoes and ESPECIALLY my hair, and I can't get ahead at work no matter how much time I spend blogging and commenting. Bah. I'm a total (internal) Eeyore over here. Well, if Eeyore had too much coffee and a fairly serious procrastination problem. Also, a machine gun.

*BR is positively insufferable about Hillary Clinton's performance in the TX primaries (he supports Clinton, and I support Obama). This is merely a symptom of a larger problem, which is his penchant for taunting me about EVERY DAMN THING. He taunts me when I get an answer wrong on 1 vs. 100. He taunts me when I forget to record Jon and Kate Plus 8. He fucking taunts me when my favorite American Idol contestant gets shot down by Simon Cowell. Men, listen to me. I know taunting or "ball-busting" or whatev is a fine Y-Chromosome tradition, but as CONSTANT RUNNING COMMENTARY, it is enjoyed to a lesser extent among your lady friends. You don't see a group of women doing an end-zone dance every time one of them accidentally wears mismatched socks. Well, you don't see it on the OUTSIDE, anyway.

*Speaking of both BR and American Idol, I think David Hernandez is hot, although he's not my favorite on the show (I like David Archuletta and Jason Castro, thanks for asking). Anyway, if you're having trouble keeping your AI Davids straight, I'm talking about this guy:
When I mentioned it last night, BR was all "Oh, I TOTALLY called that. He's SO youah type". Heh. And also: ARGG! What the fuck does that mean? Although he is 1) hot and 2)Fake Hispanic, so maybe it IS a total no-shitter. He's probably a fucking MAD TAUNTER too.




So! Are you feeling at all uplifted by this talk? Yeah, me neither. Well, maybe this will help:

Mr. Truvy's Hair Salon

Result: Not Half Bad

**I'm B-AH and I did not approve this message. Especially the part where I'm doing heyah with my shirt off.**

Skimmers, This One's For You

So listen. You know what happens when you tag me for a meme? What happens is, I read it, and maybe I even say say "sure!", and then I go about my business for weeks slash MONTHS, until one day when my Blog Content Tank is on "E" (as opposed to the usual fumes), I will think to myself, "What is the EASIEST meme I have been tagged for and completely ignored?". Man. I am SUCH a bitch. And as evidence, I present Exhibit A:

That Self-Promoty Meme! (Courtesy of skiplovey)(And possibly others?)(Oh, dear)(This is Exhibit B)

The first requirement of this deal is to post a link to one of my posts about Family. Here's one about my mom and her damn dirty hippie heart.

Next is Friends. Here's one about my college running buddy and frequent commenter Carla. I know I have other friends reading this thing who never comment--maybe if you step it up, you'll get YOUR own posts, jackasses! Isn't being my friend AWESOME?

Third is Myself. Here's a post about how I'm an enigma, wrapped in a mystery, shrouded in Old Navy Fleece.

Fourth is about Something I Love: CLAM CHOWDAH!

And the last link can be about Anything. I'm picking this post about how I found out I was pregnant, since it's one of like 3 posts that I've ever managed to end in a non-awk manner.

So, yeah. Looks like we're still at 3 then.

Guest Post: BR

So, on Friday Erin caught me being a little Fussypants about the watch and the coffee and whatnot, and accused me of secretly replacing your Regular Tessie with BR. Listen people, if BR ever starts blogging, you all will be the FIRST TO KNOW. We are nothing if not Fair and Balanced around here (*SNORT*). But that got me thinking (ruh-roh), and as a result I present you with:

A (Hypothetical) Guest Post, By Guest Authah B-AH:

'Sup, shady intahnet charactahs, if those AH in fact youah real names. This is B-AH, as Tessie likes to call me. She would much rathah use my real name, because she nevah THINKS IT THROUGH FOAH THE LOVE OF GAWD, but luckily she has me to pull her head out of her ass. I mean, we don't know which govahment agencies ah reading and WHAT they ah adding to theah dossiers! Tessie keeps telling me it's mostly mommybloggahs and funny Minnesotans reading, but then again she's always downplaying the dangah of EVERYTHING. If it was up to her, we'd all be lying in shallow unmahked graves right now, ah identities stolen as if we nevah existed!

Anyway, I don't know who you people ah oah what festishes you ah rockin', and I don't WANNA know. I like to sleep at night, and that's why I don't read this thing. LATAH.

P.S.-GO RED SOWX!

I've got my eye on you, Fokkah. You see that scah? That's from when I killed an intahnet predatah.