I Even Played "TV Tag" as a Kid

So, many of you have asked me to talk about some of my favorite TV shows.* Well, OK.

First, as a visual display of the depths of my love for TV, a list of the shows for which I have a DVR "season pass":

• The Office (the best show on tv and if you are not watching the terrorists are winning)
  

• American Idol (unamerican not to watch)



• Survivor (why am I not done with this show yet?)



• Lost (like confusing CRACK)
  
  
• Grey's Anatomy (a total downer this season, yet I cannot look away)



• Heroes (WHEN am I going to wake up with the "stop time" superpower?)



• The Deadliest Catch (I want to be a crab fisherman!)



• Brothers & Sisters (I want to have 4 brothers and sisters!)
  
  
• Ugly Betty (got sucked in during a New Years marathon)



• Prison Break (Wentworth Miller is my prison boyfriend! Call me Wentworth, I will totally send you money for cigarettes!)



• Last Comic Standing (we've already documented my weird standup comedy issue)



• So You Think You Can Dance (if only I had kept my ability to do the splits! I could have taken it all!)



• Hell's Kitchen (I know, I am a total donkey for getting into this one)



• Good Eats (LOVE.IT.)



• Jon and Kate Plus 8 (have you seen this on TLC? These jokers have twins and sextuplets, the mom is a total OCD control freak, and the parents hate each other. It is AWESOME)
  

OK, do I seem like Jim Carrey from "The Cable Guy" yet? And this doesn't even include the crap BR makes me watch (fucking SPORTSCENTER, I'm looking at you), or the stuff we don't record, but watch on a semi-regular basis anyway (The Daily Show, The Colbert Report, stand-up comedy).

Each fall, there is a complex audition process by which we decide what shows, if any, will be added to the roster. At the beginning of the season, we agree on a number of shows that, based on promos and internet research and trusted TV-obsessed friends (Carla), have earned a 2-3 episode "trial". After that we typically make a decision whether to add or drop. If you're thinking to yourself, "doesn't seem like it takes much to tip the scales to ADD", I would like to invite you to SHUT IT. RESPECT THE PROCESS!

So whatever you do, DO NOT tell me about any awesome shows you are watching, because dude, WE ARE FULL UP! I CANNOT ADD THEM! (I will totally add them).

*This is a lie.

A Meme-Dealie

So, JMC has tagged me for one of those meme thingees (fun fact: until recently, I thought "meme" was pronounced "may-may"-you know, like "bebe". Um, it's not. Oops. I still kind of want it to be, though).

ANYHOO, the subject of the meme is 5 Reasons I Blog. I feel a little weird going on about this when I am rocking what, like, WEEK THREE of blogging? I guess I can frame it in terms of the reasons I started blogging, and continue to persevere well into WEEK THREE.

1) I am a reforming pathological lurker. Many of my friends have blogs, and I have been reading blogs for years. Seriously, do you have a blog that is in any way funny or interesting or covers the topics of TV, books, pop culture, and/or motherhood? I read it. BUT, I never left comments because I thought it was considered vaguely creepy to get a comment from someone who didn't have a website link the author could visit. In fact, when I did start to venture out with the occasional comment, I would often email the blogger to let her I know I enjoyed her site, and also that I was a REAL LIVE PERSON and not some creepy troll. So, reason 1 basically boils down to: makes it easier and less creepy to comment on the blogs I read.

2) I am a terrible correspondant. Basically, I suck at keeping up with people. I cannot stand talking on the phone (one of the reasons BR and I went to cell phones instead of a home phone is so that I would never have to answer a call that wasn't for me-and those of you who know me know I don't even answer those most of the time). So isn't it awesome, then, that I live over 1000 miles from my family and many of my friends? Blogging is one way for them to check in with me. If only everyone I knew had blogs, I would never have to talk to anyone ever again!

3) I'm also a sucky memory-keeper. I don't scrapbook or journal or any of that other happy crap. Basically, I'm lazy, OK? This is a way to have a written record of AD's growth and of my thoughts that doesn't feel like a total beatdown to me.

4) Unlike JMC, my brain-to-mouth censor guy is OVERactive. I would say that about 75% of my thoughts never come out of my mouth. Blogging is a way to let a few more out there.

5) Finally, writing this blog is totally different from my daily work as a CPA. It's fun and a nice break. I'm not one of those bloggers who considers herself a writer at heart. I write pretty much like I talk, which is to say, not all that well. I have my moments, but as they say on The Office, "you are an accountant so I know you can't deal with people". That pretty much sums it up for me.

Damn, this is LONG. Maybe I am a writer at heart! Who would like to publish my recipes and lamely captioned photos of my kid?

I will tag (on a purely optional basis, of course):
Erin and
Loni and
Lori

I'm Not Above a Little Cheez Whiz

To counter the previous post, lest you think I am a total food snob, I ALSO present:

A Totally Delicious Bean Dip Recipe With Non-Soulsucking Preparation, if You Don't Mind the Ghetto Nature of the Ingredients

1 can refried beans
1 small jar cheez whiz
1 cup sour cream
1 package ranch dressing mix

Melt all together in a small pan or crock pot. Serve with tortilla chips.

AAAAND...done.

Or, You Could Just Do Stouffers. You Won't Hurt MY Feelings.

Today, I present:

A Recipe Which You Will be Totally Pumped to Try, but Which Will Later Make You Tired Just Thinking About It (aka My Mom's Lasagna)

Disclaimer: Listen. This recipe, while incredibly delicious and plentiful enough to freeze, will, at times, give you that persecuted martyr "why me?" feeling during preparation. I mean, it's TOTALLY worth it, but let's just get that out there. If you are the sort of person who brings cottage cheese into the lasagna equation, you might want to look away, OK?

Chop in food processor:

16 oz baby carrots
6 med/lg onions
2 large bulbs garlic

In a very large, heavy Dutch oven, cook the above in ½ cup extra virgin olive oil until light brown. Add 2 28 oz cans crushed tomatoes. Simmer 20 min. Put mixture through a colander, pressing against the sides to push veggies through (this is the part that beats me down. I recommend using the least-fine colander you have, and also giving up well before you have all of it through. You really don't need ALL the sauce anyway, unless you want to save some for later.) Discard the rest. Return to heat, add 2 10 oz jars spaghetti sauce and:

3 Tblsp. Sweet basil
1 Tbsp. oregano
1 tsp. fennel seed
½ cup chopped fresh parsley
3 cloves garlic, minced

Simmer 15-20 min.

Brown 5-6 Sweet Italian Sausages. Set aside to cool. Peel casings off and slice. In the same pan, brown 1-1 ½ lbs. ground beef. When almost fully cooked, add 1 lb. fresh sliced mushrooms. Cook until mushrooms are slightly cooked. Add meat/mushrooms to marinara sauce and simmer another 20 min.

Boil 1 pkg of lasagna noodles in salted water. I use a big roaster so they don't get all mangled. Boil 8 min-noodles won’t be all the way done. Drain and place on clean towels. Pat dry. (OK, this is part of the Official Recipe, but I don't do this. That's more TLC than I'm willing to give to noodles)

In a saucepan, melt 2 Tbsp. butter. Add 2 Tbsp. flour. Gradually add 1 cup milk,1 ½ cups heavy cream and ½ tsp. nutmeg. Stir constantly until thickened. Remove from heat.

To Layer:
In 2 disposable lasagna pans, 2 9x9s, or one giant pan:

Start with meat sauce and drizzle white sauce. Add a layer of noodles, more meat sauce & white sauce, 6 oz shredded parmesan, and 8 oz mozzarella. Repeat. I do 3 layers of 3 noodles on each layer. Top with meat sauce, white sauce, and cheeses.

At this point, if you're not too exhausted, you can either bake the fresh lasagna or freeze it. If you bake it right away, bake about 45 minutes at 350. To freeze, double cover it with tin foil. From frozen, bake about 1-1 ½ hrs. I also leave it covered when baking so the cheese doesn’t burn.

P.S.-WTF is up with the paragraph spacing, BLOGGER? I space and space and space and yet THERE IS NO SPACE EVIDENT.

The Sound of Silence

I've been reading a lot of great posts about body image on the web lately. Now that I'm the mother of a little girl, I find this issue particularly fascinating. There's a lot of great discussion out there about how to keep our girls from developing the sort of body issues that can follow them all of their lives.

So, this is the time on Sprockets when I get all preachy and give my No-Fail 10 Step Plan for Mental Health Re: Body Image! I mean, I've been a mother for going on 13 months now so I can hardly function under the weight of my maternal experience!

Wait. ACTUALLY, this is the paragraph where I shine a ray of hope upon the world and give mad props to my mom. Didn't see that coming, did ya? HAHAHA! Tricked you into reading a positive body image antectode!

I have never ONCE heard my mom discuss her weight or the shape of her body (other than the occasional I-have-no-boobs joke, and who doesn't love those?) in a negative way. Not while I was growing up, not while I was pregnant, not EVER. I don't think I have to tell you how awesome this is. Some of you who know us in real life might be thinking "well, DUH, skinny bitches" (huge eye roll). And it is true: we are small people and not, by any stretch of the imagination, fat. But I really believe it doesn't matter. It isn't just that she didn't go around calling herself fat and pointing out her various flaws. She didn't do the opposite either. She just NEVER MENTIONED IT AT ALL.

My own goal in regards to my kids and food/body image is "don't make a big deal out of it". Don't talk about my body or about the bodies of others. Don't comment on what I eat or what others eat. Don't discuss the relative health benefits of various foods or exercise routines. I know a lot of people probably disagree with that last one on the basis of educating kids on what is healthy, and I see their point. But I really think that any mention, positive or negative, gets the wheels turning for kids. Basically, I don't want them thinking about it at all.

Luckily, this "do nothing" approach fits perfectly with my lazy nature. I always love it when that choice shows up on the list of options.

Thanks Mom!

(Yep, she's actually shorter than me. Let that sink in-I'm 4'11")

(And you thought I was kidding about the gymnast thing)

Preferably One With a Scratching Post

This cheap end-table thingee is probably AD's favorite item in our house. She crawls though from one side to the other, sits in the center, rattles the legs like a monkey in a cage, etc. We were going to get her some kind of play table or castle or something for her birthday, but now the perfect gift is obvious:

Cat Condo.

Already a Blog Slacker

So, I've been offline for a few days for a couple of excellent reasons:

1) AD's birthday celebration, complete with hoardes of relatives entering and leaving the state and random and completely unsynchronized times.

2) That damned Harry Potter. I swear, you cannot swing a dead cat without hitting the threat of some kind of Harry Potter spoiler. I was listening to the radio yesterday, and the DJs were doing a bit called "drive-by spoiler" where they walked by people reading the book and yelled out spoilers. Now, is it me or is this just begging to have a cap popped in your ass? Not to mention the fact that I can't think of any quicker way to make 5000 listeners simultaneously change the station than a mere mention of the old HP at this juncture. I think it goes without saying that I have not yet finished the book, so I'm still all twitchy online. I feel like I have that PTSD thing where you're hyper-sensitive to loud noises.

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes

One Year Ago Today:

(Yes, those are matching outfits. SHUT IT.)

Happy Birthday, AD. I'm so glad we got YOU, and not some other, LAME baby.

I Look 16, Going on 17

Do you know that I have not once been carded when I have had AD with me (at the grocery store, it's not like I'm bringing her out to the club or anything)?

This is a shocking turn of events, because I used to be one carded mofo. I mean, I routinely got carded when trying to buy cleaning products. Which is utterly retarded, because believe me, if I take up huffing, I'm not going to be using a $5 can of oven cleaner. It's going to be Dollar Store spray paint all the way.

I guess I can't blame the cashiers, because if I saw myself roll up I would probably think "whatever, little girl" too:

Normal cleaning product/wine consumer

Tessie(minus early 90s mushroom-do)(plus about 50% body fat)

I still get carded when she's not with me, so I have to conclude that motherhood has not prematurely aged me 20 years. You know, sometimes we don't hear enough about the benefits of having kids. Well, here you go. Funny, I never saw this one in any of the books.

I Test This Crap So You Don't Have To

So, have you seen these "helpful, lifesaving devices"?
It seemed like a good idea at the time. I mean, a swimsuit that floats by its very nature. Screw a separate swimsuit and lifejacket. Those are unitaskers, and you know what we think of those.


The thing is, it's about as comfortable as it looks. It's like someone tried to outfit a sandwich board in a wrestling singlet (the sandwich board's message: I float your child! So you don't have to!) (the wrestling singlet: "You wear tights?" "No I don't wear tights. I wear the required uniform." "Tights.") (You best be getting used to The Breakfast Club references).



I'm not even going to mention the logistics and space-age shoehorn technology required to squeeze a squirmy baby into, or (SHUDDER), out of this thing.



And functionally, it's a heart attack waiting to happen. Should you let go of your child for .2 seconds, you can expect one of two outcomes:

1) Baby flips immediately onto face and inhales gallon of water before your adrenaline kicks in

2) Baby flips immediately onto back and kicks wildly like angry beetle, until (see outcome 1)



All this to say, if you see one of these beauties in your local Wal-Mart, do yourself a favor and ignore its siren song (to which you say, "Um,duh. What do you think I am, some kind of sucker?").

'Lil Bow Wow

AD loves pretty much every kind of food, but if she was doing one of those memes and had to answer the question "What food would I eat if I could eat only one food for the rest of my life?"

Her answer would definitely be:

Science Diet Adult Large Breed.

My Stage Name is Gregory Gardner

I was reading one of my favorite (HI-larious) blogs this morning, and it reminded me of something bizarre I do. I sometimes have weird or funny little thoughts while going about my regular day that I mentally bookmark "for my stand-up comedy routine".

For example, one time I was returning a movie at Blockbuster, and just as I slipped it into the slot I had a mini-panic that I had just returned my movie to the wrong Blockbuster. (As an aside, could this reference be any more dated? I mean, "What is Blockbuster, mommy? Is that something they had in the olden days?") ANYWAY, I thought to myself, now there is a (dated, not in any way funny)joke there somewhere about a Blockbuster panic where you, much too late, remember you have returned to the wrong Blockbuster, and proceed to open the slot and yell/reach blindly inside, etc., etc. blah blah.

This is a totally freaky habit for a variety of reasons, including but not limited to:
a) These "jokes" are not funny in their current or any possible future forms
b) I have never been, nor will I ever be, a stand-up comedian, and am in fact
c) A fucking accountant

Yet I have been doing this FOR YEARS.

P.S.-If you do this, email me immediately because I must hear your "jokes"

I'd Like to Mommy Brain Some People in the Head with a Frying Pan

Today, let's discuss one of my many pet peeves: the term "Mommy Brain".

mommy brain (n): a term implying that one is somehow dumber since having children. "Oh, I accidentally deleted your email...tee hee hee (deep sigh)... mommy brain strikes again"

I'm not saying I've never been frazzled or distracted or anything else since I became a mom, but Jesus H. Christ, people. I'm sure as hell not going to go around acting like I have some kind of irreversible medical condition that afflicts all of womankind (notice there is no "daddy brain"). You're not doing any of us any favors by perpetuating the stereotype that after women have children, they cannot reliably focus on anything else.

I am firing the same number of synapses now as I was before AD was born. Which is to say, the minimum number I can get away with. If I forget something or accidentally delete your email, it's probably because I lost track of time surfing YouTube or failed to comprehend the mysterious inner workings of MS Outlook, not because of my "mommy brain".

Moms of the world, stop making yourself a Tool of the Man! Quit pretending that being a mom turns you into a flaming idiot! Argg! (kicks desk)

The Graduate

AD is getting ready to transition from the infant room to the toddler room at daycare. Compared to the toddler room, the infant room is total anarchy . Anything goes in the infant room. The infant room is like Freecruising, and the toddler room is like a Weight Watchers cruise complete with personal trainer. They don't take any shit in the toddler room, is what I'm trying to say here. Ever since she got her orders, we have been in "toddler room bootcamp". AD needs to quit slacking and accomplish the following list of tasks:

• Learn to walk in shoes
• Switch from bottle to sippy cup
• Switch from two naps to one nap a day
• Switch from crib to little refugee cot 2 inches off the ground
• Eat at a table, in a real chair, with the other kids at mealtime
• Memorize the preamble to the Constitution
• Type 75 words per minute
• Etc.

When I heard that part about sitting at the table in a real chair, I seriously threw back my head and brayed like a donkey. Good luck with that, "Miss So-and-so". May the force be with you.

It's Raining Temperatures Which Do Not Make Me Wish I Was Dead

So, it's been raining a lot here this summer. Here's what I think of that:

Pros: Lawn has sprung back to life, pool has stayed cool, watering restrictions have been partially lifted, and as my friends back home would say, it's only been "hotter than Toby's ass" a few times all summer

Cons: Dog refuses to pee in the rain

Yep, I think I'm on board!

GOD, did I really just write my first real post all "so, how about this weather" like some grisled old man having coffee outside of the feed store? Crops look good this year. Let me just consult my Farmers Almanac.

The Old "First Blog Post"

Check baby, check baby, one, two, three, four

Check baby, check baby ONE