So, I scheduled an appointment to have LASIK next Friday! YAY! This is exciting and creepy and all, but my predominant emotion by far is an intense fear that something will happen to my glasses in the next few days. Wouldn't that just TOTALLY SUCK? I would have to take to my bed like an invalid, shirking all duties save for eating and drinking. Lord knows I'm not buying a new pair of glasses NOW, universe, so DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.
Oh, and by-the-by, guess who ELSE is getting Lasik next Friday? BR, that lasah-suspecting fucker! God, he's such a COPYCAT. The ink wasn't even dry on my appointment card before he was scheduling his own consultation. Now we have back-to-back appointments. People, I TOLD you he was competitive. Also, he can now commence driving me MENTAL with his Frets and Ruminations.
Tessie: Dude, what the HELL? It thought you were all SUSPICIOUS [also: chicken] and shit?
BR: I know. I think I'm having a mid-life crisis.
Tessie: You're 34.
BR: Exactly.
Tessie: So, you're only going to live to be 68?
BR: That's the plan.
Tessie: Good to know. I should be able to squeeze in at LEAST one more husband, if not two.
BR: Should I go FIRST or SECOND?
Tessie: Go second so you can watch me.
BR: NO WAY! If I watch you, then I won't want to go!
Tessie: Go first then! Damn!
BR: NO WAY! You just want to save youahself if I go blind!
Tessie: If you go blind, I'll totally still do it.
BR: You would, too.
BR: Who do you think would be a bettah seeing eye dog aftah we'ah blind, Jager or Sasha?
Tessie: Sasha. Jager's too lazy.
BR: WHATEVAH. You can have Sasha. The first cat that crosses youah blind ass, you ah TOAST.
Tessie: Jesus H., we're NOT GOING BLIND.
BR: Poor AD. It's gonna suck having TWO blind parents.
So, yeah. SERENITY NOW and all that. Also, stay away from my glasses for the next 10 days and I am so serious.
P.S.-You guys! It's not too late to give me your wrist circumference! Don't be shy, this blog is totally HIPPA-compliant! I'll compile the results for Friday's Fun Facts. DO IT! You can totally suck it in while you measure, Dr. Oz says so.
Your Hero
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About Me
- Tess
- Tess is a recently divorced single mom living thousands of miles from her family and friends. So she's got that going for her, which is nice. Email her at trueishstory AT gmail DOT com.
59 comments:
OMG Tessie. This is an awesome post...I seriously laughed out loud sitting here at my desk. Best of luck on your Lasik. I think I know of one person who had it done, and they can see just fine. So are you having it done at the swanky place? Did BR approve of the furniture?
You guys need your own sitcom. I am cracking up over here. Forget Ray Barrone - How about "Everyody Loves Tessie?"
Saw a video of Rich's uncle having his eyes done - made me glad that I am far sighted. It is very very cool from an "aren't humans smart as hell" perspective, but creepy looking from a "don't need to see the surgery channel view" perspective.
Good luck with the Lasik! Our husbands should hang out so that they can be all dramatic together, and we can ignore them and drink beer.
I would measure my wrist, but I do not have a ruler in my office, and I am too embarrassed to ask my assistant for one. If she asked why I would have to tell her it was confidential client business, and I don't think she would buy it.
andreaunplugged-It's a different place from the place I wrote about last time, but the furniture WAS very nice, I must say. It's a bit more expensive ($1800 per eye as opposed to $1200), but apparently BR-approved furniture: priceless.
-R-, there's still time! Just do it by Friday! Tell your friends! Why I am so obsessed with this!
I do love the Boston-speak entries. I watched the movie Gone Baby Gone last night and between being completely disturbed, I found myself wondering, "how would Tessie spell that?" Hee.
That shit is hilarious! I am so excited for your Lasik!! Pending the results, I might have to jump on the bandwagon. I got some weird looks when I was constructing my "ruler bracelet" but...my wrist is also 5 1/4!
Slim, genetic high five! We are wrist twinnies!
I love this! Report the results obsessively so that I can decide whether or not to risk my vision! Might become your third blind mouse. : )
I'm 5 1/4" too.
I'm also jealous that you have the cajones to go through with the Lasik. I think you should take some before pics with you in your glasses and an after pic without. And tell all of us chickens what it's like to see.
Good luck!
GAAAARRRggghhhbblltpppprrghh
that was the sound of me dying of jealousy because OMG WANT TEH LASIK. also a husband with a boston accent, perhaps.
must find way to measure wrist..
Sad to say, this reminds me of that episode of Newlyweds where Jessica and Cacee (Baylor alum- so embarrassing) get Lasik. Y'all should get a limo and eat at Red Robin afterwards too!
OK, who is driving you guys home??? I once "spotted" a friend when she got "the lasah", and she couldn't see until the next day.
Also: Fun Fact about me, I once wanted to be a doctor, and watching the procedure on video grossed me the fuck out.
ok, i just went and asked an admin for a ruler, as if i somehow needed one for my job, just so i could measure my wrist. heh.
i'm a whopping 6" even. FEAR MY WRISTS.
Add another 5 1/4" -- shit, this means I should be MUCH skinnier, doesn't it?
Are you guys prepping AD to take care of your Valium'd asses after surgery?
Good luck!
I have no idea what my wrist circum is.
Also, I am curious how you are getting home as well. He does know he can't just drive home after right?
I am still really pleased with myself over my mammoth wrist circumference. Though not SURPRISED because I found a BEAUTIFUL bracelet that I COVET WITH ALL MY HEART and it DOESN'T FIT. That's the price you pay for legitimately being big boned.
Oh, damn! Good luck with the Lasik; I want it so bad but seriously cannot get past the fact that 1) I WILL BE AWAKE, and 2) THEY TOUCH YOUR EYES.
But man, I would love to never have to wear glasses or contacts again.
BTW, I'm running home for lunch just to measure my wrist circumference. :)
BR's mom is going to be in town, so she's driving us home. AD is NOT going to be pumped about having us both out of commission, GAH.
6 inches! no one else could get me to go to all the trouble of trying to measure my wrist at work.
This just made me laugh - keep us updated on any more frets and ruminations. At least you know you'll be able to squeeze in a few more husbands
I have nothing other than a dollar to measure my wrist with at work! Aren't they 6" long? Anyone? Bueller?
My wrist is exactly $1 in circumference.
Ah, Tessie...I'm so glad you're going for it! Speaking from experience, as you know, it's the best four thou ever spent! You will be amazed! (See all those exclamation marks? Can you tell I'm excited for you?)!
PS Where did you decide to go? Email me if you must protect the identity from the internets. LOL!!
fine for now-Dude, you totally know what's next, don't you?
A dollar is 6 1/8 inches across people! Now you know! No excuses! Don't make me start measuring quarters too for you slackers! (15/16 inches)
I am NOT divulging the size of my (apparently huge) wrist! Why don't you just ask us all to message our ASSES for crissakes!!!
Ok, I'm a little size-sensitive apparently.
ACK! I got so upset I typed "message" instead of "measure." Now I am doubly shamed!!!
My wrist is 5 3/4 inches. Not as small as I thought...
Random fun fact about me that no one will really care about: I'm 5'3and my shoe size is 5.5. My doctor once told me my feet were too small for my body. Seriously?! Like I can do anything about it, so why give me a complex that one day I will just start falling over!
Good luck with your surgery!
Guess what? I am NOT dead! And my wrist is 6 1/4". I had exactly 36 1/2 seconds to measure it and type this comment, because I have to get back to all that crap (you know...life and kids and shit?) that has made it impossible for me to post or read posts for a week now. I hope to be back soon.
I'm am so jealous about the Lasik.
And, okay, fine, I'll be the big wristed one. Mine is almost 6 1/2. And I always thought I had skinny wrists because I can reach my hand around it and I have so much space in between my fingers and wrist, but I guess I just have big hands. Too. Damn. Do I get a pass because I'm really tall?
I thought I had a small wrist but apparently not... mine measured 6 and 9/16 inches.
Barb
Aggie, that is hilarious. That's my shoe size too, but then again I'm 4'11" so I guess it's okay? WTF?
JMC-Dude, I was WONDERING. Glad you're back!
i measured my wrists one-handed while holding the baby. 6" if it was accurate.
good luck w/ your lasiks! heh. i hate when people say it "plural" like that.
Please take pictures, or have BR's mom take pictures! You will have some seriously awesome goggles on for the first day. Congrats on the Lasik! Ok, how awesome would it be to have a family picture with you & BR in the goggles and AD in her pink sunglasses? I'm just throwing it out there...
6-inch wrist circumference. Bah. But my ring size is 4 1/2, which makes me feel better somehow (it's not a competition)!
You and BR crack me up. Is it possible that you're actually this funny IN REAL LIFE? *suspicious stare* Because I would then have to relocate to Texas, to your neighborhood (*imagines you imagining me as a crazy stalker*), to be entertained 24/7.
OMG, that was hilarious. Please blog some of your post-surgery conversations...I am guessing there will be some fun exchanges that day!!!!
Congrats to you both...that's so great that you both are going for it!!
My wrist is 5 3/4 inches.
I hope you have a third person (or a cab) to drive you home afterwards.
Long time reader . . . 1st time commenter. I LOVE reading your blogs! You are great!
That was hilarious! However, I'm too scared to go under the laser. Congrats to you both!
My wrist is 5 3/4 inches.
5.5 inches.
Also, I had lasik last year. It kicks ass. Except for right after when you are so crazy-sensitive to light that you throw a blanket over you and hide under it like an ill-prepared vampire because the sunlight is like poison.
Ok Texas:
'
That blog: made me almost PMP.
d
I had Lasik done about oh, what 7 years ago – back when it was OH MY GOD! expensive, but hey, back then what else did I have to spend my money on? Best thing I ever did (ok, except adopting my girls). I loved being free of glasses/contacts. Ok, so now I’m 42 and need glasses to read the freakin’ directions on the bottle of children’s Tylenol – what, it’s only fatal if you give them too much, why make the print big enough to read? Ok, I’m digressing. Anyway, the best part about the surgery was the happy pill the doctor gave me before hand. Wheeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I had an allergic reaction to the eye drops, so my eyes where all red and puffy after wards – I was out in the waiting room telling the waiting patients, don’t worry, this probably won’t happen to you. Wheeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!! The staff found me my own private room to wait in after that!
I am still trying to digest the fact that I have one of the biggest wrist circumferences of everyone who measured. I think Jess beat me, and maybe Type (little) A? I never thought of myself as being truly big boned, but maybe I am after all... People DO always seem surprised when I admit how much I weigh- they tend to think I weigh less than I do. I always just assumed I was really... SOLID and MUSCULAR or something.
Anyhoo! Good luck on the Lasik! I will be very curious about your results, as my contacts have been driving me up the wall lately and I'm always threatening to get my eyes fixed. But I'm still too much of a pussy.
Good luck with the Lasik. I know many-a-people that have had it and say it is the best thing they ever did. Who will be driving you home? Safety first!!
Tess.....congratulatons on the Lasik!!! I'm still too much of a chicken shit to do anything like that. But man.....life would be so grand without these contacts!
Also, I made Nick measure my wrist....JUST FOR YOU.....(he was wondering what the hell i needed him to do this for).....and its 5 3/4 inches.
Thanks for the laughs!
good luck with not breaking/loosing your glasses!!
my wrist is 5 inches even ;)
Dude, how are 2 blind parents who aren't used to being blind going to care for a toddler? HOW?!?
Good luck with the Lasik. I know someone who did it, swallowed their saliva while trying to hold still and had an unfortunate accident that shouldn't be mentioned here because it's so horrific...
Ok, just kidding. No such story. Good luck Friday, I'm sure it'll be great!! :o)
B AH is such a follower. HA HA HA! At least the furniture is kosher with him...
I thought I had the teeniest little stick wrists in the world but I see that there are plenty of us out there. I measure in at 5-and-a-half inches.
My wrist is 5 and a quarter inches.
GOD this post is funny. Who is going to pick up AD from daycare after you BOTH have eye surgery?
oOps, sorry. I see you have already answered my question. NEVERMIND!
Six inches. I measured and was genuinely surprised - I thought I'd be closer to five.
I am envious of your Lasik plans... not for myself, but for my husband. Love his eyes! Hate his glasses!
You two are so damn funny. I am still giggling over here.
Forget AD and wrist size!!! The Most Important Question Is: How long until you can see clearly again so you can blog for us?
Oh my god, is it possible that my wrist circumference is NINE inches?? I'm at work and don't have a tape measure, so I did the strip of paper MacGyver thing and used the built in ruler on the side of my 3-hole punch to measure it, so it is possible that I am off. Dear god, let me be off.
Hooray for Lasik!!!
Okay, also not dead...just lazy. But! even laziness cannot triumph against the siren call of a request for information.
5 3/4 inch.
Post was fucking hilarious, BTW.
"The first cat that crosses youah blind ass, you ah TOAST."
Oh, your blog is hilarious! How have I never found you before now?
I can't wait to read about your Lasixperience. I am desperate for Lasik but also terrified I will go blind and will never know if I've gotten *clean enough* with the toilet paper or if I'm just smearing it around.
How are all these people managing to measure their wrists? I don't keep a sewing tape ruler thingie handy. Can I possibly have big meaty 6.5 inch wrists? Man. Putting your wrist in inches makes it seem girthy. Maybe you should record measurements in centimeters or something.
I measured just for you! I have 6 inch wrists.
Oh, I sooooo want LASIK but I hear your eyes can change with pregnancy and I want to have several dozen kids if I can, so no surgery for me until my ovaries stop working. Unless it gets incredibly cheap and I can afford to do it more than once if I have to.
My wrists are about 6 inches in circumference. Also, just pro-actively in case you have more data collections in the future: I am 5'9" tall, my shoe size is 9.5 and my ring size is 6.5.
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