Dear Internets,
How are you? I am fine, where "fine" is defined as "sorta shitty, if we're being honest, but I don't really wanna talk about it".
We are in kind of a...LOGISTIC-Y phase with the whole divorce thing, and you can imagine how I feel about THAT. I must say that so far, this whole thing has made me realize I'm really cut out to be some kind of fabulously wealthy celebrity, with a publicist to send out press releases, and an assistant to change all my bank accounts and credit cards, and a body double at work. Basically, I just want to handle the drinking and shopping.
Anyway, this really is a middle-class sob story, since I seriously have something awesome going on this week: I'm going to Europe tomorrow! TRUE FUCKING STORY! In an epic play of the Divorce Card, I'm going to go spend a week with uber-fabulous Londoner and drinker extraordinaire Woz! (bonus true story: she sent me a hilariously fussy ITINERARY, detailing each day from 0700 to 2200 hours, all contingent upon us not "hurting ourselves drinking". HEE! Also: SEND LIVER FUNCTION GAH)
So, all this to say that the total fucking LAME-O-RAMA around here is likely to continue at least through the next week. If not into PERPETUITY. JESUS. That's how badly I suck lately.
If you're really jonesing for a Taste of Tessie (GROSS!), you could always go check out the Pay It Forward package I sent Whimsy. Yeah, I know the contest was a month ago. Say hello to my little friend the DIVORCE CARD, motherfucker!
(Not pictured in Whimsy's post: the package itself, which was "sealed" entirely with SCOTCH TAPE. Basically, the whole works was the Essence of Me).
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
Snapped
This Morning:
Tessie: Come on, goose! Open the door, please!
AD: WHY?
Tessie: Because you have to get in your seat!
AD: WHY?
Tessie: Because we have to get going!
AD: WHY?
Tessie: Because we're going to go to school today!
AD: WHY?
Tessie: ARGG! Because IT'S FRIDAY, YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB, AND YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT TO DO!
Tessie: Come on, goose! Open the door, please!
AD: WHY?
Tessie: Because you have to get in your seat!
AD: WHY?
Tessie: Because we have to get going!
AD: WHY?
Tessie: Because we're going to go to school today!
AD: WHY?
Tessie: ARGG! Because IT'S FRIDAY, YOU AIN'T GOT NO JOB, AND YOU AIN'T GOT SHIT TO DO!
Monday, July 21, 2008
The Deuce
Here are a couple of things that have happened since last I posted:
*AD turned TWO! No shit!
*I received about 20 emails, all of which I filed away "to return later" like giant Divorce-Card-Wielding bitch/hag.
*Gev got kicked off SYTYCD. POUT.
*I purchased Step Up 2 on DVD. God help me, I THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD, as long as you ignore any and all alleged ACTING by "actors".
So, yeah. I am the mother of a TWO-YEAR-OLD. And in typical two-year-old fashion, AD totally cooperated with my efforts to get a Touching Milestone Birthday Picture as I dropped her off at daycare:
Take One: Please! No photos!
Take Two: Actual FINGER UP NOSE, for the love of christ
Terrible twos, here we come! I sincerely hope she accepts the Divorce Card! Although, now that I think of it, the Divorce Card is trumped by the Child Of Broken Home card. Hmm. Check and MATE.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Blog Share
This post is part of -R-'s Blog Share and was written by an anonymous blogger (not Tessie). Tessie's post today appears anonymously on another Blog Share participant's blog. Tessie hopes you will play along and read and comment and all that jazz even though it's totally bizarre how she's gone all Third Person on your ass here.
My grandmother has informed her four children that she is cutting three of them out of her will.
This is the sort of vindictive, mean-spirited thing a person usually does to have a final revenge from beyond the grave, but that would not be her style, because she would not be around to witness the hurt and anger that would result.
Actually, it's much worse. She does not actually have a will. She is telling her children this now so that they will feel compelled to follow her wishes after she is gone even though if there is no legal document backing any of it up. Even if the law says that without a will, all four of her children will inherit her estate. She refuses to get a will because, she claims, she doesn't have anything.
I knew my grandmother was crazy, but this really takes the cake. This revelation upset my mom and her two brothers who are cut out, and -- shocker of shockers! -- my grandmother is now upset that THEY are upset! There isn't anything to give away, you see! How dare they want smaller and smaller pieces of nothing? Can't they see that their brother is the only one who really needs the nothing she will be giving? What a bunch of ingrates! If she hadn't already cut them out, she definitely would now!
It is NOT about money: my grandmother does not have any. But I think it's telling that that is how she is framing the issue. It either has not occurred to her that anyone would want something to remember her by, or she is desperate for people to SAY that they do. I suspect that it is the latter, if only because it would give her such pleasure to hold it over the head of whoever cracked and said it first. ("You want my spoon collection because it reminds you of me? Yes, I knew you would want it. Too bad. It's going to your big brother anyway. It would be too much work to put all of my stuff in four boxes instead of one. That would be TIRING. What, you think I'm healthy enough to pack boxes?")
And there is nothing I can say other than to comfort my mother by pointing out that she didn't cause any of this, and reassure her that today is Blog Share day, so nobody knows it is me and nobody knows it is her. Really. Well, one of my siblings does, but none of this is a surprise to my family.
I wouldn't post this on my own blog because my mother wouldn't want it there, but I know she will read this and recognise herself. I want her to know that our family loves her very much and that she doesn't deserve any of the mind games her mother has played on her over the past few decades.
My grandmother has informed her four children that she is cutting three of them out of her will.
This is the sort of vindictive, mean-spirited thing a person usually does to have a final revenge from beyond the grave, but that would not be her style, because she would not be around to witness the hurt and anger that would result.
Actually, it's much worse. She does not actually have a will. She is telling her children this now so that they will feel compelled to follow her wishes after she is gone even though if there is no legal document backing any of it up. Even if the law says that without a will, all four of her children will inherit her estate. She refuses to get a will because, she claims, she doesn't have anything.
I knew my grandmother was crazy, but this really takes the cake. This revelation upset my mom and her two brothers who are cut out, and -- shocker of shockers! -- my grandmother is now upset that THEY are upset! There isn't anything to give away, you see! How dare they want smaller and smaller pieces of nothing? Can't they see that their brother is the only one who really needs the nothing she will be giving? What a bunch of ingrates! If she hadn't already cut them out, she definitely would now!
It is NOT about money: my grandmother does not have any. But I think it's telling that that is how she is framing the issue. It either has not occurred to her that anyone would want something to remember her by, or she is desperate for people to SAY that they do. I suspect that it is the latter, if only because it would give her such pleasure to hold it over the head of whoever cracked and said it first. ("You want my spoon collection because it reminds you of me? Yes, I knew you would want it. Too bad. It's going to your big brother anyway. It would be too much work to put all of my stuff in four boxes instead of one. That would be TIRING. What, you think I'm healthy enough to pack boxes?")
And there is nothing I can say other than to comfort my mother by pointing out that she didn't cause any of this, and reassure her that today is Blog Share day, so nobody knows it is me and nobody knows it is her. Really. Well, one of my siblings does, but none of this is a surprise to my family.
I wouldn't post this on my own blog because my mother wouldn't want it there, but I know she will read this and recognise herself. I want her to know that our family loves her very much and that she doesn't deserve any of the mind games her mother has played on her over the past few decades.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Latah, UAFT!
Here's something else that does NOT suck about getting divorced: having complete control over my Stuff.
Last night I was cleaning this hideous table slash lamp that BR insisted on keeping next to his end of the couch, and thinking to myself, as I have EACH AND EVERY TIME I have ever cleaned it, "GodDAMN I hate this ugly-ass fucking table! It makes me feel like I'm on the set of The Ladies Man!".
And then I thought, WAIT A MINUTE.
See ya, Ugly-Ass Fucking Table! Don't let the beaded curtain hit your ass on the way out!
*EVIL CACKLE OF GLEE slash HAPPY DANCE*
Friday, July 11, 2008
Divorce Card Strikes Again!
You guys. Guess what just got delivered TO MY OFFICE? (also: hello boring office furniture!)
Alice and Jess sent me a mofo CARE PACKAGE! Holy SHIT! In the words of Clark W. Griswold, I couldn't have been more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet!
There are Sour Patch Kids, Wine charm thingees, this wicked awesome Cool Shooters mold that lets you make an ICE CUBE in the shape of a SHOT GLASS, chocolate-covered coffee beans, Homemade COOKIES (!), Blue pens (OBV), and an adorable little birdie candle! Man, they are no skimmers, eh?
Plus the Card of Greatness, which on the inside says, "Sorry things suck right now". HEE!
Thank you guys, seriously, so much. This time in my life would be totally, TOTALLY different if I didn't have this blog, and not in a good way.
SO MANY wicked cool people read this thing. WHY? HOW? At any rate, I'm not one to look a gift cookie in the mouth (or...whatever), so I'll just say:
Thanks.
xoxo
Fun Fact Friday!
*I love all of your Twitters. You are all HILARIOUS, The End.
*I'm thinking No More Hot Guys could be my newest Policy.
*Speaking of college, I had some totally FREAKY exchanges with one of my favorite bloggers yesterday. I met slynnro ON THE INTERNETS when she commented on one of my CBU posts. And yet, turns out? We know all of the same people and ATTENDED THE SAME PARTIES. Like, she was there, and I was there. It's like Sliding Doors, or some shit. Whoa.
*I bought the Bare Minerals starter kit, but I have not yet bothered to watch the INSTRUCTIONAL DVD that came with it. Yeah. That sounds like something I'll get around to on the 12th of NEVAH.
*I hire someone to mow my lawn, even though I only have grass in the front yard.
*I just had to go back and change the "we"s in that sentence to "I"s. Sigh.
*I am staying in the house. BR has moved to a townhouse a few miles away.
*But I kept the TWO LARGE ROTTWEILERS, so don't get any ideas, stalkers.
*Last night the cable was out in the gym (my home gym)(middle class sob stoooooorry!), so I was forced to watch Step Up while I ran on the treadmill. Yeah, I have it on DVD. Like you don't.
*I think Channing Tatum, the main dude in the movie, looks EXACTLY like one of my college boyfriends.
*I'm thinking No More Hot Guys could be my newest Policy.
*Speaking of college, I had some totally FREAKY exchanges with one of my favorite bloggers yesterday. I met slynnro ON THE INTERNETS when she commented on one of my CBU posts. And yet, turns out? We know all of the same people and ATTENDED THE SAME PARTIES. Like, she was there, and I was there. It's like Sliding Doors, or some shit. Whoa.
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