Dear Internets,
How are you? I am fine, where "fine" is defined as "sorta shitty, if we're being honest, but I don't really wanna talk about it".
We are in kind of a...LOGISTIC-Y phase with the whole divorce thing, and you can imagine how I feel about THAT. I must say that so far, this whole thing has made me realize I'm really cut out to be some kind of fabulously wealthy celebrity, with a publicist to send out press releases, and an assistant to change all my bank accounts and credit cards, and a body double at work. Basically, I just want to handle the drinking and shopping.
Anyway, this really is a middle-class sob story, since I seriously have something awesome going on this week: I'm going to Europe tomorrow! TRUE FUCKING STORY! In an epic play of the Divorce Card, I'm going to go spend a week with uber-fabulous Londoner and drinker extraordinaire Woz! (bonus true story: she sent me a hilariously fussy ITINERARY, detailing each day from 0700 to 2200 hours, all contingent upon us not "hurting ourselves drinking". HEE! Also: SEND LIVER FUNCTION GAH)
So, all this to say that the total fucking LAME-O-RAMA around here is likely to continue at least through the next week. If not into PERPETUITY. JESUS. That's how badly I suck lately.
If you're really jonesing for a Taste of Tessie (GROSS!), you could always go check out the Pay It Forward package I sent Whimsy. Yeah, I know the contest was a month ago. Say hello to my little friend the DIVORCE CARD, motherfucker!
(Not pictured in Whimsy's post: the package itself, which was "sealed" entirely with SCOTCH TAPE. Basically, the whole works was the Essence of Me).
Your Hero
The International Symbol for "Texas"
About Me
- Tess
- Tess is a recently divorced single mom living thousands of miles from her family and friends. So she's got that going for her, which is nice. Email her at trueishstory AT gmail DOT com.
42 comments:
Hey Tessie: Have SO much fun, dude. Seriously. Drink up and relax and unwind and all that.
I'm going to be watching the international news, though. Just in case you decide to GO CRAZY across the pond.
Europe? What what WHAT?
Shit, I'm still married and I get to go to Binghamton, NY tomorrow. Maybe I'll be a total Tessie groupie and get divorced too.
Anyway, have a GREAT time.
I figured that the reverse action of the Divorce Card was that I not mention the scotch tape, even though both Chip and I thought it was hilarious. The package was awesome, and it got here in one piece, which is a win-win in my opinion.
Have a fantastic time in LONDON!!!
I finally got my own card! The ROOT CANAL CARD!
Have fun! How long are you gone for?
Jesus Christ, you are really going to make your visit to Londontown count. Getting up at 7, staying up 'til 10. I could go like that pre-baby, but now I can either get up early or stay up late, unless their are naps involved.
GAH! The logistics part is the WORST. Lucky you on the trip, though. Have fun!
Slynn-I get back next Wednesday
Shonda-Dude, I'm not guaranteeing I can HANG. And again. Provided I don't hurt myself drinking, god willing and the creek don't rise, etc.
Everyone keeps asking me if I'm beaten down about the flight and I'm all HELL NO. Any flight without a toddler is a goddamned SPA VACATION, I don't care how long it is.
does this mean you will start writing with a british accent?
Wow, you are going to have a great time! London is awesome. And I agree that a flight of any length is a vacation in and of itself if you don't have your kid with you. Plus they serve alcohol. Score!!
So SO jealous of your vacation, and respectfully request that you eat lots and lots of wine gums in honor of those of us who are unable to eat them regularly on account of them being British and all.
I say go have fun in London and hit on some hot British men. Just remember though, the accent always makes them hotter than they actually are, mmmmmmkay?
Hang in there and ENJOY EUROPE!
Also, careful of those men with accents!
I hope you have an amazing vacation!
Hey! glad to hear you are hanging in there and doing "fine." I've read plenty of nasty divorce files so I hope for nothing but an easy breazy end to all of it for you!
We'll miss you on Saturday but I have no doubt you will be having a fabulous time in London. Can't wait to hear some stories!
good to hear from you. let loose and have fun; you deserve it. hope to hear all the stories when you get back - keep track; you know how memory is after days on end of drinking.
Have a great vacation!
Good thing we've arranged - as Item One on your itinerary - for you to swing through DC to pick me up on your way to Europe.
And just remember: "Who was it that said when in Rome do as the Romans do? " "That was Rome not Paris. This is Paris and you're drunk."
I like to send packages wrapped in scotch tape, too. Unless someone -- some authority-type -- mistakes it for a BOMB, I like to Keep 'Em Guessing with the 'hmmmm, is this from a retard or a kindergartener?' look
Eeerrmmm......you do realise the nights will go on beyond 22:00?? I just stopped it there in an attempt to not scare you and make you change your mind! You know how it is.....you get to drinkin'....and the next thing you know its 1am! Oops! :-)
Can't wait! Can't wait! CAN'T WAIT!!!!
I loaded up on wine this weekend at Waitrose (although I've already had to replace 2 bottles)!!!
See you soon!!! xxxx
I like to send packages wrapped in scotch tape, too. Unless someone -- some authority-type -- mistakes it for a BOMB, I like to Keep 'Em Guessing with the 'hmmmm, is this from a retard or a kindergartener?' look.
Sorry. That was not from 'anonymous'. That was from ME. From the library's lame-ass computer that keeps freezing. Bastids.
Oh my god, you are going to have so much fun. We will expect drunken Twitters.
Sounds like you're going to have a blast! Can't wait to hear stories (those that you remember!)
Oh my God, so jealous! Have a fabulous time, babe. Sorry the logistics are sucking. Hope things get better soon!
Sorry about the logistic-y things...that stinks. But have a wonderful time in Europe! that's AWESOME!!! Nothing like drinking in a foreign country to make you forget about the things upsetting you here. :-)
Have a great vacation!
I finally clicked on your twitter, and you announced this trip 2 goddamned weeks ago.
I feel so left out.
Have a wonderful time, and take lots of pictures!
Now that your getting divorced, can we get a pic to replace the tongue with one that makes us all imagine what it would be like if - we were free???
OMG have a GREAT time! And don't think about logistics at all while you're there!
EUROPE!! awesome! jealous!!
uh... i'd have a lot more to say about the scotch tape issue had the box *i* mailed to you not been covered exclusively in scotch tape. it's the choice of champions, obvs.
Have an awesome time. YOU DESERVE IT!
The logistics of divorce makes my head spin and my stomach ache. So sorry you have to deal with that. There should be some SERVICE to do all that for you. (Well, there probably IS but only if you can spend an extra GRAND and allow your identity to be sold to criminal minds.)
Have fun! Can't wait to hear all about it!
Well, at least you're not dead. So there's that.
Have a great trip!! You deserve some FUN after everything else!
Lucky you for the trip to London. I do hope you come back in one piece. :)
Sorry about the not-so-fun parts of your life right now. I know it will eventually get better for you.
Aww, be easy on yourself, divorce is awful. Most of all, enjoy Europe! And don't hurt yourself drinking. ;)
So the Separation Card would get me what? Like a trip to Branson, MO or something like that? Yeah, I'll be thinking of you. Have so much fun. Relax. Leave your shit on the doorstep (we gonna sets it on fi-uh). There. A little Adam Sandler to move you across the sea.
OH - and should you choose the publicist route, I might happen to know of a media company that could help you out.
GO NAIL A BRIT!
Fun! I think it sounds like you need that trip to London. And that hilarious itinerary sounds AWESOME to me!
Fun! I think it sounds like you need that trip to London. And that hilarious itinerary sounds AWESOME to me!
I am looking forward to seeing a picture of you in Lederhosen. And, if you're looking for extra cash, I have three words: Amsterdam. Legalized Prostitution.
All kidding aside, have a great time.
I am so behind on my blog reading because my life sucks at present. And so I get to your blog only to see that you are in LONDON? My favorite place in the whole wide world? You bitch.
But seriously, I hope you are having a great time. And drinking lots of Pimms. Delish!
Jesus Tessie, I stay away for a month (sorry! thought you were going to announce some GOOD news way long ago, and if there's one thing I hate it's others' happiness, jk). I come back and whammo.
I'm so sorry to hear about the divorce. I hope you have some awesome fun in Europe and come back refreshed. And also that you continue to blog.
How's AD holding up?
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