I haven't spent a lot of time, or any time really, thinking about what I want to write about My Deal. I guess I figured there was no point, since I'm never going to be the type of person who is good with pulling the heartstrings. When someone tells me that they've read all the archives on this blog, I always wonder what they think. I wonder if they think I'm shallow. I wonder if they think I'm a flighty nitwit and an underthinker. I wonder if they know I spend 75% of my time in my own head and that I'm generally introverted.
When it comes to Deals, my default position is Reveal Nothing. Sort of like I have for the last several weeks on this blog, and for upwards of several YEARS in other situations. This is the essence of my personal brand of Emotional Cripple. In my world, if you have something serious to talk about, and you can't make a joke about it or keep a stiff upper lip, then you just shut the fuck up. No One Wants To Hear That Shit, and all that.
I don't really know why I'm like this (um, yes I do, EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED FAMILY), because as a rule, I DO want to hear that shit from my friends and family. And from all of YOU. There are very few things that any of you could say that would offend or disinterest me in any way.
So, I'm not sure why I haven't wanted to tell you that BR and I are separated, and that we're getting a divorce.
One reason is that I'm completely burnt out on telling people. It's been like one of those episodes of Oprah where the germophobes have to lick the trashcans. Watch the Emotional Cripple, who tends towards awkwardness in serious, if not
all situations, repeatedly have Serious Conversations with everyone she knows! In which she admits failure of epic proportions and reveals various personality and judgement flaws! For someone like me, well, that part is terrible. It's excruciating. It makes me want to be alone. It makes me want to be invisible.
One thing I want to say is that no one is at fault. Well, other than BOTH of us. This was not caused by any type of Deal-Breaking Incident, and we are on good terms. It also goes without saying, I hope, that BR is a great person and a wonderful dad. There's more to our relationship than the things I've written about, obviously, but the things I HAVE written about are all us, too.
I don't know what else to say. I know some of you have questions or comments, but don't want to "pry", and I want you all to know that I don't mind. I'm happy to talk about it, now that the "telling" is out of the way.
I think I'm a hopeful person, as a rule. I want you all to know that your blog posts and comments and emails ADD to that feeling, not take away from it. My wish is that you feel the same way about the things I write. Even this.