I haven't spent a lot of time, or any time really, thinking about what I want to write about My Deal. I guess I figured there was no point, since I'm never going to be the type of person who is good with pulling the heartstrings. When someone tells me that they've read all the archives on this blog, I always wonder what they think. I wonder if they think I'm shallow. I wonder if they think I'm a flighty nitwit and an underthinker. I wonder if they know I spend 75% of my time in my own head and that I'm generally introverted.
When it comes to Deals, my default position is Reveal Nothing. Sort of like I have for the last several weeks on this blog, and for upwards of several YEARS in other situations. This is the essence of my personal brand of Emotional Cripple. In my world, if you have something serious to talk about, and you can't make a joke about it or keep a stiff upper lip, then you just shut the fuck up. No One Wants To Hear That Shit, and all that.
I don't really know why I'm like this (um, yes I do, EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED FAMILY), because as a rule, I DO want to hear that shit from my friends and family. And from all of YOU. There are very few things that any of you could say that would offend or disinterest me in any way.
So, I'm not sure why I haven't wanted to tell you that BR and I are separated, and that we're getting a divorce.
One reason is that I'm completely burnt out on telling people. It's been like one of those episodes of Oprah where the germophobes have to lick the trashcans. Watch the Emotional Cripple, who tends towards awkwardness in serious, if not all situations, repeatedly have Serious Conversations with everyone she knows! In which she admits failure of epic proportions and reveals various personality and judgement flaws! For someone like me, well, that part is terrible. It's excruciating. It makes me want to be alone. It makes me want to be invisible.
One thing I want to say is that no one is at fault. Well, other than BOTH of us. This was not caused by any type of Deal-Breaking Incident, and we are on good terms. It also goes without saying, I hope, that BR is a great person and a wonderful dad. There's more to our relationship than the things I've written about, obviously, but the things I HAVE written about are all us, too.
I don't know what else to say. I know some of you have questions or comments, but don't want to "pry", and I want you all to know that I don't mind. I'm happy to talk about it, now that the "telling" is out of the way.
I think I'm a hopeful person, as a rule. I want you all to know that your blog posts and comments and emails ADD to that feeling, not take away from it. My wish is that you feel the same way about the things I write. Even this.
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127 comments:
I've just started reading but I'm thinking of you. I don't doubt you'll go through this with grace and a good sense of humor and I've found that's really the best way to go through anything, especially the painful stuff.
I wish you the best in finding happiness and settling down again. I understand why you wouldn't write about it because I always feel dirty after saying something Serious and the room is suddenly quiet. I don't think it'll affect how I read. Best to you, and hugs.
I'm a new reader, and maybe shouldn't have chosen today to say hi, but, you know, hi. I'm sure this post was a very difficult one to write, and all I can say is that I identify with you on so many levels (emotional crippling, divorce, talking about it, etc.). Sending good vibes and happy thoughts and the strength to get through a rough situation your way!
I know how you feel about making big announcements. Part of me is like "Why would they care?", but then again, I hate to drop an emotional bomb on somebody when they innocently bring it up. ANYWAY. Sometimes I wish I were a celebrity so I could just have a publicist do it.
Sorry Tess. It's sucky all around.
oh ick. i'm sorry :-( but, you know, not all sappy sorry with hugs that will make you feel more uncomfortable ;-)
srsly though, i play it off like i'm all Open and Carefree With My Emotions, but i'm VERY MUCH THE SAME with the non-talkage about any issue of actual importance. so yeah. if you want a spontaneous trip to, say, DC, to take your mind off things, i'm REALLY GOOD at taking you out drinking and not addressing any of the Real Issues At Hand! come on up!
hey guess what? This is pretty much the opposite of The Muskrat Theory.
And au contraire, my fellow fear-of-failure friend, getting out of the relationship now, when you know that's what's right, is so, SO much stronger than staying because it's easy. Because there WAS no deal breaker. No incident. Because he's a good person and a great Dad. Or staying because you might think, or others might try and tell you, that it's better for AD. Only you know what's right for you.
But that's the easy part. It's the DOING it that's hard. It's the DOING it that takes balls. It's making a choice that you know won't be easy that will ultimately make you a better person, and, most likely, a better parent.
Even if you DO let muskrats around AD. But don't worry, that will be our little secret.
You are in my thoughts, my friend. Sending good vibes and hugs your way.
xoxo
Telling is the worst part, because you feel like you have to comfort everyone else when you tell them. I hate that. No one ever seems to say the right thing, and you end up having to say, "Oh, everything will be FINE, REALLY," when that's what people should be saying to YOU.
It will be fine, really. I am sorry this happened, and sorry you have to go through it, and sorry that it is going to suck so badly. Thinking of you, Tessie.
None of this is new to me, as you know, and we have discussed. But I do want to say that I think you did a good job telling. You are always honest and forthright, and I'm sure that's what people think when they read your archives.
I'm sorry to hear that you are having to go through this. I don't really ever know what to say to people in serious emotional situations, but I wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and I hope for the best for you.
Oh, honey. This had to be hard to share. I am sorry to hear that you guys have decided to divorce, but am happy that you are both on good terms. Your family is just going to be arranged differently. You are still a family.
(Maybe this isn't the time or place, but I really, really wish my parents HAD divorced. They would have been much happier, I am sure of it. And I would have had role models that were willing to do what was necessary to take care of themselves. Instead of ignoring and hating each other their entire marriage.
As a result of their non-divorce and long, unhappy marriage, I have no idea how to actually participate in a relationship like a grown up. Also, I don't know how to do the things that make me happy. I don't feel like I have that right, you know?)
You guys are doing what is right for ALL of you, I am sure of it.
But I am also sure it still hurts like hell.
This is not a huge failure. It is not!
I am thinking of you. Hugs (and margaritas!) to you!
I generally suck at knowing what to say to people about anything slightly emotional - so I will say "I am sorry you are going through this" because I want to say SOMETHING - so here is another hug from another loyal reader:)
You are definitely NOT a failure. I'm sorry you're going through this and like I said, if you need anything, just ask. And since I know you WON'T, I'll just keep pestering you.
P.S. Getting a divorce when there's no Deal Breaker is so hard for some people to understand. I think it really hits home with them and forces them to examine their own relationships. My ex's sister called me at work after we split and said to me, "Why would you DO this? It's not like he beat you or anything." Like that's the ONLY reason you could EVER get a divorce.
Oh man, I'm so sorry that your family is going through this. I'm sure it wasn't easy coming around to this decision and the days ahead may be a little bumpy too. I'm glad you told us... you know you'll only get support and encouragment here.
Thank you for your honesty. I know it must be very hard for you. I hope you can find peace. It sounds like you two are handling this in the best possible way for your daughter.
I am terribly sorry to hear this. You are filled with such fun and silliness which is the reason I come back to read your blog every day! The reason I started reading your blog in the first place.
As an aside, my parents divorced after 18 years of marriage and to this day my mom says we stayed together for you kids (which implies SO much more if you knew my dear mother!) It was truly horrible growing up under that strain and general feeling that they were unhappy.
As a child and now as an adult, I see no sense in their thinking about being together for US. I feel like they would have been happier as individuals and we also would have been happier if they would have gone their seperate ways in a more timely manner.
The reason I even write this is that some times parting ways at the right time is better then parting ways at the wrong time.
You are in my thoughts.
*HUG* *HUG* *HUG*
The fact that you are parting on good terms is automatically not a failure. Divorce is hard as hell and y'all doing the best you can for yourselves and AD is all you can hope for.
I am totally here for you if you want to talk, being a parent and having gone through a divorce.
Dear Tessie,
I adore you.
Love,
Erica
I have never thought you were shallow, a flighty nitwit, or an underthinker. I think you should share what you want to share when you want to share it and don't worry about it!
I am really sorry to read about you and BR, but glad to find out that your deal is not that you are going blind from Lasik.
Thanks for sharing with us.
When I found your blog, I did what I haven't with any others--I read all of the archives. I am self employed 30 year old living in the true Great White North of Canada, with 3 kids under the age of 8, and hardly have the time to sit in front of my screen for that long, but let me tell you, it was worth it. I realte to your writing, and look forward to your posts. (does checking for new blog posts daily make me a stalker?)
I'd like to think we're really similar, save for the fact that you're clearly braver, more articulate, funnier, more honest and you work out more that I do anymore. Also, I think I really am a shallow, flighty underthinker.
I wish that I could offer something witty or poiniant in some way, but like I said-that's a little more you than me. Just know that someone all the way up here in BC thinks the world of you and should you ever wanna take your show on the road, I've got a futon with your name on it. (Also a liquor cabinet and a karaoke machine. Just sayin')
Brooke.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry. *hugs* (I will say I am SO much better at virtual hugs than the real kind, so let's both be glad about that, shall we?)
I'll second all the posters who've said how they know you'll handle it with humor and grace. Hell, girl, you know you'll make US laugh. No pressure or anything, though.
>Insert some jokey-joke thing here to lighten the mood<
Good luck.
I emailed you. Which you KNOW, duh. But I'm with Alice - in addition to what I said in the email, in person I am also AWESOME at drinking while totally ignoring the elephant in the room. Maybe we could all get together and get drunk while talking about TV shows. I watched a couple episodes of Deadliest Catch last night. :)
I fully understand how massively uncomfortable this is to talk about it, but I think having this blog will help you tremendously. I wish I would have had that kind of support when I was going through it, instead of hearing how insane I was all the time. I’ve actually already taken some comfort in my own situation from reading these comments. You’ll be fine (and you already know that). The hardest part is just coming out with it; hopefully you’re feeling some relief already.
I can't really add much to what everyone else has said but just know that I'm thinking of you and sending happy thoughts!
One of the reasons I so enjoy reading your blog is your honesty, so thank you for sharing a personal, private issue. I don't have any insightful words of wisdom (as usual), but I wanted you to know how brave I think you are for making such a tough decision. Keep writing -- we're all reading and hoping for the best for you. ~LA
Yeah, I am a big one for humor at all times as well, so I completely get that. But I just wanted to say, regardless of anything else, that I admire your courage. I really really do.
I'm on your side here (not that anyone needs to take sides) but having said that, can you please still talk in the Boston accent sometimes? Foah the love of Gawd? xoxo
Tessie,
I, like Erica, ADORE you. I can't imagine what you're going through (though I am a child of divorced parents and did a FINALLY!slash fist-pump-of-joy when they did -- not that it can make the decision and subsequent process ANY easier for you) but please know that you are an inspiration. I know, I just made you gag. Deal with it.
Wishing you much strength and whole mess of peace.
You know from my blog that I am NOT emotionally crippled about this shit (in writing, mind you), I think it might help to know that all of us here care and want to hear whatever it is you might need to get out.
xoxo
Ha! Well, I won't be kicking him completely to the curb, due to that whole pesky KID thing, so I'm guessing that there will be plenty of opportunities to release my inner MASSHOLE.
You (and your blog) are a treasure. I'm so sorry.
I emailed you. NOT from my regular bloggy email address. OOOOOOoooh, you're SPESHUL.
I'm so sorry you are going throught this Tessie. If anyone reading your archives thinks you are shallow or a nitwit... well they aren't reading right. You are funny and smart and for all your (funny, funny) snark, you are also kind and thoughtful.
Oh Tessie, I am so sorry to hear that this is your deal. Life throws some crazy shit, that's for sure.
I am just one more person sending support your way during what could be a rough time for you (but hopefully not too rough, all things considered).
Tessie,
You KNOW we all adore, whorship and stalk you - even in MN! Nuff said. You are not alone! You know that, right?! I'm sorry, as a parent who had to make the decision to divorce my ex, with the three kids all lookin at me going -"What's next?" Anywhoo, you know you can count on us for any support you may need.
I too do not reveal much about my true self, what's really going on - I keep it all surfacy and funny or about someone/thing else. Sometimes I wanna share, but generally, I don't - I stuff it all inside. It spills over somewhere, usually I get the blahs - and it shows in my relationships and work and on my blog.
JUST DON"T QUIT WRITING! The rest of us loser types will have to take a Texass type road trip to search you out! We'll have to form our own support group, the Missing Messin Wtih Texas...we'll drink tequila and re-read your archives, WE'RE SUCH A MESS OF Emotional Cripples!
You gotta love us.
I am adding my own adoration to the pile already started before me. I am so sorry that you're going through such a difficult time.
Ok, I re-read my post, and I sound like the poster child for Emotional Cripples. i got a nervous tummy, misspelled a few words etc.
I just wanted to express to you my care and concern, and know that you share alot of tendencies we all have and are not saying aloud. Your blog says it like we all wish we could sometimes. A divorce is one of the biggest most courageous decisions you will ever make. I didn't want to sound flippant.
Sorry to hear that. I went through a divorce almost 10 years ago. There was not a child involved, so there was that. The telling was indeed hard. We actually separated for 6 months with only a couple of people knowing. Our families lived out of state, so it wasn't that hard to hide. We were separated for a year and a half before the divorce was finalized, and it was easy at that point.
My son has a friend with divorced parents (well, more than one, but one in particular), and they do a good job of making their situation work for their son. I wish the same for you.
Oh Tessie. I'm so sorry about all of this. And I so relate to your plight in the telling because we are so alike in that regard. And if you want to meet up with a neutral person who doesn't know BR or you as married person, I'm right down the Tollway!
Yes, what can I say that hasn't been said? I am sad for you and your situation, but I also understand. Your decision takes a lot of courage and I commend you two.
I am thinking of you and wishing you well.
I started reading your blog a few weeks ago, and it almost always makes me laugh.
In case I can return the favor, my blog is at 50kittens.com ... if you ever feel like escaping the futility of dealing with people for the cluelessness of dealing with cats.
Hang in there, Tess, you rock.
Good luck to you guys; I know this is a rough time. Please let me know if I can help in any way.
I'm so sorry. thank you for telling us. Know that we are here.
I am sorry because I've been through it, though it seems you two are already off on much better footing than me and the EX were, considering in our case, there was A MAJOR FUCKING INCIDENT.
I understand waiting to tell people and not wanting to discuss it with everyone all at once. I am not good at dealing with the deep things either. At least my own deep things. I am sorry that things didn't work but glad to hear you are able to stay on good terms.
Oh wow. I'm sorry. I audibly gasped when I read your post. Mainly because I think of you as family (if that's strange, yeah well..) and as a child of divorce I know it's tough. But good for you for being on good terms with BR and even better for you for getting it all figured out early. It's SO MUCH EASIER for the kids to deal with when they're younger. You're such a strong woman. And we love you.
My stomach dropped when I read this. I'm sorry Tessie - I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.
On the other hand, this might just be the impetus you need to get that job on a crabbing vessel?
Yikes. That isn't a fun band-aid to have to rip off publicly. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this. I divorced about 6 years ago. It had an ugly ending which probably made the closure thing much easier. It was either never speak to him again or dig a really deep hole in the back yard to dump his body. Glad you are on good terms so your little one can get through this as unscathed as possible (child of divorce here - moderately well adjusted). It is easier when the kids are young...my parents divorced when I was 5 so it was just what my normal looked like. I have very little memory of us as a family so I didn't miss it so much.
Divorce always sucks but I hope that you, like me, in the future can look back and declare it the best decision you ever made (to get out before you woke up 50 and miserable) rather than the marriage that you failed at.
We are all thinking of you.
Oh Tessie, I'm sorry. It must be hard. I'm with Emily, though, in that it IS the worst when you feel like you have to comfort everyone else who's all "OH NO! I'm SO SORRY! OH NO!"
So here's the hard, buck-uppy truth: You're going to be fine. Better than fine. Pretty awesome, I'd say. You're pretty brawny from my vantage point, and I think you can take a lot.
I can't wait to see you come out of this, better than before. Because you will! You totally will.
Hey. I just lurk here, and am a relatively new lurker at that, but thought I'd say hi, and I'm sorry, and I think honesty is hard but worth it, so thanks for spilling.
Thinking of you. It's gotta be tough.
Oh, dude, I am so sorry you have to go through the Telling People part, because I think that is the WORST PART OF ALL. Soon it will be OVER WITH.
Oh, also! Your blog doesn't come across as shallow AT ALL. It's funny, but there's an underlayer to it: it's not that it's GOOFY or LIGHTWEIGHT, it's that you take pretty much all situations and make them funny and/or interesting. Which is a GIFT, and I think of it as a mark of intelligence and depth, so there.
And I'm hoping you will write a LOT about this whole process, because I would really like to see it the way you write it [as I proofread, I see that this coming after what I said above implies that you HAVE to make EVERYTHING funny, but that's not what I mean AT ALL], and also because this is like a RESOURCE for the roughly half of us who will be going through this ourselves later. One of the things I found most difficult about Telling People when I did it years ago was that none of them had been divorced, so to them it was like this APOCALYPTIC EVENT. When there's more talking/blogging on the topic, I think it demystifies it in a way that is a giant improvement over the "OMG THIS IS THE MOST AWFUL AND INEXPLICABLE THING EVER!!" way of looking at it. It becomes "This is a normal life stage, which about half of us go through at some time."
I'm so sorry to hear this...I think you seem quite wonderful, we're all here, sending lots of love.
I had to read through this 3 times before I got the courage to post, because the situation is so raw. I am in a similar situation but not quite as far along as you are - and still in denial.
I admire your courage here Tessie. Obviously, we're all here for ya.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I too have been going through the same thing in a long drawn out painful way. There are no magic words to make it better. Yes, it definitely hurts to breathe. And posting about it is tough for me too. So I go through long spurts of not a word. But it helps to know there are people there to read and support. There is good things to come through the rough times, and hanging on to those things helps a little. But is does suck a whole lot.
Well THAT sucks.
Peace to you both.
Oh, Tessie, I'm so sorry. And I have no frame of reference at all, but I can imagine that it does get old having to tell people The Story over and over again. But thank you for having the courage to tell us, when it would have undoubtedly have been easier to just gloss over and not mention it at all.
I love your blog and have to echo the previous commenters who said we're here for you. And I am always up for going out for margaritas. :)
Good luck to you (and AD). Wishing you all the best!
good for you for mutually making the decision that's right for you and your family. HUGS.
I know how it feels to quit something that felt so important to you ... so important at the time that everything else in life was set aside to focus on this one thing ... and it just sucks all the way around.
But, also coming from an emotionally weird family ... I know how hard it was for you to write this (SYTYCD? EASY. Something raw and personal? IMPOSSIBLE) ... and I admire your honesty and strength.
As I said in my email, I'm available if you need an objective person to talk to.
Well also being an emotional cripple I, of course, don't know what to say that will be supportive and comforting as opposed to irritating or dumb. So, how about you think about whatever that might be and let's pretend I said it because I feel it, but can't express.
ANYWAY, the way I see things, it's better to split when you know things aren't going to work out than to wait for it to get ugly as happened with two of my good friends. They married, it wasn't right, but it wasn't awful or anything, they stayed married for 15 years and in that time it went from ok to not really that great to totally and completely shitty. When they finally told their friends they were getting a divorce, the universal response was along the lines of "thank god, you both are great people, but really REALLY bad together and it's been hell for at least 4 years on you and your kid." It sounds like you and BR are doing the right thing at the right time.
Just wanted to say that I hope you are feeling as good as can be expected during this time - remember, a failed marriage does not make you a failure, and you deserve to be happy. I have utmost respect for you, to be able to take this step and still be a kind, gracious, woman about BR in public. It's easy to resort to name calling and mean things, and kudos to you for being above that.
Hope things keep getting better.
From one emotional cripple to another-
I'm so sorry you are going through this. Like many others, I apparently didn't pick the perfect day to delurk and comment. But, today of all days, I'm glad to see the rallying forces for you. Hang in there.
I stay way the fuck out of relational discussions, be they good ones or bad ones.
But, since you don’t mind me trash talking you to your face then yeah, I got a few observations.
You said, “I wonder if they think I'm a flighty nitwit and an underthinker.”
Yo, get the fuck up and out of my face. I’m a nitwit and an underthinker and I’m having a pretty fucking good time doing it. I’ll thank you very much.
Honestly.
Hey, I got a relative looking for a date. Are you available? He’s not hard up are anything. Let’s just say, being around him will make you feel WAY BETTER about yourself. You’ll realize quickly, life can always get worse.
I felt a little pang when I read this. I cannot begin to understand how difficult this is for you but I want to tell you that I think you're incredibly brave for putting this out there and for handling everything with your usual grace and aplomb.
Hey, I'm delurking to say thanks for being brave and letting us into your life. This must be a hard time for you, but hopefully you've made a decision for the best. My sister got divorced after 10 years of marriage and two kids last year, with the same type of situation...no one was really at fault, it just wasn't working. But she is most definitely happier now.
Good luck with everything! (From a fellow (semi-)emotional cripple)
Oh GOD I would hate The Telling part. And I'm someone who doesn't mind revealing stuff, so I can only imagine how excruciating it is for you.
Hang in there, honey.
That's some heavy news. I wish you only strength and courage during this tough time.
It should be a well known fact that no one should be judged by their blog content. If you think a blog represents someone's actual entire life, then well, that's a little scary, considering I write waaaay to much about balls (yes, those kind).
So flighty? Not so much.
That aside, I feel like I must have really missed something, which leads me to believe that I've been living in a fog for the last months or so (totally probable).
I never know what to say, being divorced myself (although it was my starter marriage so no kids other than 2 annoying dogs involved), but I'm betting, based on what I've read about your parenting, that the little one will be loved, supported, and treasured regardless of the state of your own relationship.
Tessie,
So sorry to hear about Your Deal. I can only imagine how hard it was to tell....but now you've done it. And each day...will probably come with its own set of challenges, but will mostly get better. I agree with Swistle in that you don't come across shallow. I enjoy your perspective and I too find it intellegant and witty and similar to my own...I just don't have the capacity to verbalize it as well as you do.
I think you are brave. And I am sending you a hug.
I didn't have time to read all of the comments that came before me and I know I wouldn't be able to say anything any more eloquently (eloquenter? See??!) than anyone else--but I do just want to give you the emotional cripple www blog equivalent of a hug. Quick slap on the back, a wobbly smile of support. We're here for you whether that means reading hilarious anecdotes regarding seasonal cookies or listenting to you as you recount a painful separation. Hugs to you, AD and BR.
Tessie I'm so sorry. That's all. I figured you'd tell when you wanted to tell and I'm sorry to hear this is The Deal. I'm not in the Emotional Cripple camp, but I am a big fan of black humor and many bottles of wine... Thinking of you.
Aw, crap. I'm sorry, too, Tessie.
Oh suck. I'm so very sorry. I certainly was WAY off base in my what's your deal guess, huh? My thoughts and prayers are with you guys as you go through this.
I know that you are going to handle this with grace and courage.
Just like someone else I also did an audible gasp when I read the news.
I cannot even imagine getting to that point. Although my husband and I are close. So, I sort of know what you are going through, because we also have no defining reason. The hard part is knowing when to get to that step and going ahead with it.
Really sucks dude, really sucks.
I'm hopeful for you, too.
Ditto to what everyone else has said. Thinking of you and hoping for the best for everyone in your family.
I want to say that I was SHOCKED to find out your deal. I mean, I just really didn't see it coming. My heart sunk for you, and I don't mean in a LOL kind of way. Like, it REALLY dipped lower in my chest, and then I got a lump in my throat.
That said, David and I have recently been having an ongoing conversation about this- while we didn't go into marriage "believing in" divorce (as in, "if this doesn't work out, oh well"... I mean, we really MEANT for things to work out), but we've been talking about how we would NOT stay together "just because" or "b/c it's the right thing to do" or "for the kids". We've been talking about how life is too short to waste years being unhappy, and that if we are happy our kids will learn how to be happy adults etc.
So that has been our recent conversation, though we are not at all UNhappy (for now anyway).
Anyway, I'm taking the long way around saying that I think that recognizing that this was not going to work out and ACTING on it is BRAVE and smart and SO MUCH HARDER than going on for years pretending things will get better.
I'd love to hear more about how, why, when you decided these things.
I love you and I love your blog. LOVE. BIG WET KISSES kind of love. Want to hug you in person kind of love. (even though you'd probably rather DIE. =)
Thanks for sharing, dear friend.
Peace.
Ahhh. I guessed, but didn't want to say it. I thought perhaps the trip home was to make the announcement in person, before you told everyone else, because that's how I did it. I got divorced at about your age, and it was the best, best thing I ever did (even though I didn't hate him then and don't now--in fact, feel nothing for him but goodwill despite the fact that the divorce itself was not necessarily smooth). It was incredibly hard, but also an incredible growth experience and my life has turned out much better for it. Best wishes and take a deep breath...
I too would love to add some hugs and kisses to your already-slobbered-on cheek. I would certainly buy you a drink.
You ripped off the band-aid and now we all know. You tell us whatever you want to and nothing else. This IS your blog after all and you really owe us nothing. (Though there would be MUCH sadness were your blog to disappear.)
From one emotional cripple to another:
Um.
*shuffles feet*
Er.
*slug to the upper arm*
S'alright.
Go get 'em tiger.
Or something.
(Seriously: chin up, breathe, hang on to your sense of humor with both hands, it'll be okay.)
I'm so sorry to hear that this has been on your heart for some time now...
You are brave and wise, in addition to all of the other joyous and hilarious day brightening qualities you share with us.
Glad you can see you have all of our support and then some. Sending big squishy hugs your way.
Hey Tessie:
When I found your blog I immediately read through the archives and I never once found them shallow or flighty--and I am an expert in detecting shallow and flighty. You are smart. You are funny and witty and bright. And more than once you've made me laugh until I wheezed. WHEEZED, I tell you!
I'm sorry you have to go through this. Please email if there's anything at all that I can do...even if it's only to listen to you vent or rant or develop new recipes for hotdishes.
Oh Tessie, when I read this my heart hurt. I've been thinking about you all day.
But the bright side is that you are brilliant and funny, and AD is beautiful and perfect, and you no longer have to fret about having to find a place for BR to store that set of encyclopedias he wants to buy. (see, I'm an emotional cripple too)
Wow. Thank you for sharing - that's a tough spot, EC or not.
For what it's worth, I always thought your blog was witty and well-written. As a person, you come across entirely too cool (in a good way) ... and hilarious.
Best of luck with everything.
I never know what to say in situations like this. A good friend of mine just started going through a divorce, too, and I feel horribly inadequate when she wants to talk about stuff.
Know this, though: I LOVE your blog. It's one of the first I go to read in my spare time, and usually I end up smiling. I feel like you're an amazing human being (what can I say, I have a soft spot for emotional cripples) and no matter what happens, you'll deal.Because hey, emotional cripples might not be so great at talking but we RULE at dealing.
Aww Tessie. I am sorry to hear this. I know you will continue through all of this with a smile and your sense of humor.
Thank you for sharing this personal piece of your life with us. And I wish you and AD and BR the best through out this whole ordeal. I am sure everyone will be fine!
We love you Tessie!
I'm sorry too. And glad you're hopeful.
Thinking of you.
Crap. I'm sorry. Lots and lots of luck to all three of you in getting through this. xx
Jeebus, you are getting a lot of comments today. Which is good - lots of support. I read your news earlier and didn't know what to say. I still don't, other than to tell you I'm sorry for you, and glad that you guys are on good terms. It sucks, but you'll get through it.
Bah...that was way out of my comfort zone (I'm an emotional cripple of a sort too! Maybe it's a Minnesota thing??). But I wanted to let you know that I too am thinking of you, even though I don't know you.
Hmm...does that sound stalkerish?
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I can only imagine how shitty and terrible it is. I don't think you're shallow or flighty or anything...when I read your blog I mostly just wish I knew you in person and that we could go drink some beers together and make fun of others, especially Texans.
I'm glad your Deal is out there now. Because when something that huge is weighing on your mind, you need to blog about it. That's the whole point of a blog, you know! Fuck the stiff upper lip. That can be reserved for office meetings. Just let it all spew here. We can handle it! We're all supporting you!
Aw, Tessie. I loved your metaphor about the germophobes having to lick a garbage can. It is that kind of writing that makes your voice so unique and readable.
Certainly not shallow and not whatever else it was you said.
I know that divorce is traumatic, no matter how you slice it. I hope that you can take some time and take care of yourself.
Your case of the fuck-its makes TOTAL sense now. As does that mug from your sister.
I'm from a big joke-when-things-suck family and so I can TOTALLY relate to that one.
xoxo
Damn, Tess, I already knew this all and you made me cry. (Saly=complete opposite of emotional cripple)
I love you for posting this, and for all that you post and because you're you.
Tessie,
Well, as you know I'm late to the party. And I haven't read your archives. But I enjoy your writing. And I wish we lived closer because I would take you out for a drink or two and we'd solve all the problems of life.
Hugs, Fannie
You are in a tough, tough place right now and I hope this doesn't offend, but I'm just going to add you to my prayer list. I'm that kind of girl.
Tessie,
I think it is clear that we're all here for you in any way you need us. And you have a space here to talk about it or not talk about it, whatever you need to do.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. You've made a brave and difficult decision. You will come out okay on the other end. Hang on.
Sending lots of love and good energy your way.
Aww man. That totally sucks. No wonder you're not exactly yourself lately.
Anyways, good luck and I'm glad that you're both being nice about it and all that.
{{hugs}}
Thanks for sharing that. I'm thinking of you, and you can email me anytime if you wanna chat. Is that weird? I promise I won't try to hug you or anything.
So sorry that you're going through this, my thoughts are with you. Thanks for sharing and have I mentioned that I LOVE your blog?!
Aw, mate.
I'm really sorry.
Fuckity. Sorry. That sucks for you all.
I'm one of those people who have read all your posts and think you are funny and heartwarming despite the emotional cripplehood :)
I used to think divorce was a failure too... before I got married! Now it's a kind of recurrent fantasy... Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you probably have more people pulling for you and wishing you well than you realize!
I don't comment much but I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm sure the telling part is SO hard.
When I read your post the other day, I realized it sounded less positive then I had expected (I really thought you were pregnant before reading "What's My Deal?") so I was afraid this is what you were going to tell us. This is one of those times I really wish I were wrong. I'm so sorry!!!
not much i can say that hasn't already been said. you're NOT a failure.
i'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can't even imagine the pain you're feeling. My thoughts are with you.
I'm so terrible at knowing the right things to say, especially regarding Difficult Situations like divorce. I am very good, however, at drinking wine (or margaritas or martinis, etc) with people who are going through rough situations and listening. If I was in Texas, I would totally meet you for drinks.
I would send you a hug, but, you know, it might be AWKWARD. :)
Tessie, all of us are emotional cripples in our own way and I, like you, tend to internalize all the shitty stuff in life and keep a stiff upper lip. One great thing I have found about blogging is that I can say or tell ANYTHING to everyone on the www a whole lot easier than telling those in my personal life. It's a great stress reliever and instead of judgement, I receive support.
I'm sorry that you are going through this right now, but like those before me have said you are not a failure nor a shallow/dim witted person. I personally love reading your blog because it is honest, refreshing and completely hilarious. I hope it stays that way and I hope that all of your dreams of happiness comes true, and those of BR and AD as well.
PS I secretly hope you don't leave Texas either because even as a native, I enjoy your bashing of our little state, lol!
Tessie, thanks so much for sharing. I love how even when you write about something so painful, your amazing and funny voice still shines through. I've had a crappy Deal happen to me recently, and I only wish I could write about it like you. But you know what I especially love? All the support you have going for you through this blog... from *everywhere* across the internets. Here's another virtual hug for you from Austin.
I am so sorry...after going through a divorce some years back...there is nothing fun about it, particularly the telling part.
Thanks for sharing your life with all of us. You are eloquent and funny, even when times are tough. We are thinking of you.
Hi--
Been reading you for a little while and just wanted to pop in and add my good wishes to the 100+ other people who are doing the same. Been through the divorce bullshit and it does, indeed, suck. But you do get through it, and things are better afterwards.
I'm here listening (in a non-stalky way). You seem like a cool & funny person and I know you'll be ok. I am also afflicted with Teh Awkward, so I get that.
Peace!
OH SUCK ASS! THAT SUCKS.
REALITY IS... I think most of us are hanging on the edge of a cliff... toes dangling... waiting to be pushed over when it comes to marriage.
You're not alone and you're very brave to tell the world... it makes it all very final.
From one cliff hanger to another... hang in there and best wishes. Keep writing.
You would so suck if you stopped.
SO SUCK. I'd call you SUCKY MCSUCK SUCk girl.
;)
d
Wow! I didn't see that one coming. I feel sorry for AD.
Well, shitfire. I'm sorry to hear that, and sending lots of hugs and love and all that sappy crap your way.
This sucks.
(Your situation, not the blog, the blog is great and not shallow.)
Tessie,
I'm late with a comment because I've been away for a bit. Like everyone else, I'm at a loss as to what to say, but I'm so, so sorry and am thinking of you often.
oh, that just sucks. what else can I say...
So... I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you. So odd that I'm so sad for you and I've never met you but... I am. That should say something about how you've touched your "internet friends." Thanks for always being real, even when it hurts, even when it doesn't happen right away. We're all with you.
oh fucckkkkkkkkkkkkk! if you're ever in San Francisco and want to drink like five bottles of wine and make up lies to tell strangers at bars I'm there with you. I like to give out unqualified legal advice or tell people I'm writing the great american novel. Always makes me feel better when I don't want to be myself and deal with the situation I'm in.
I'm going through a bad breakup myself right now and while it wasn't a marriage and there are no children involved it was still three years of my life living with this man so I feel like I am feeling at least a fraction of your pain.
two tears in the bucket, motherfuck it.
I'm thinking about you. I have been there too. It is "doable" and you will find yourself at the other side. ((())) Patti (aka - another Yank in TX)
As a new reader, and for what it's worth, I'm really sorry that you're going through this difficult time. You have a whole bunch of blog love and support here for you.
Oh dear Tessie, I am so very sincerely sorry. However, I am also very sincere in saying that this too shall pass and AD will be fine because both of her parents love her very much. I hope all the love you find from your blog helps ease the pain a bit. We all think you are fantastic.
Also a new reader and a recent divorcee with no crippling Big Event to mark its passing. I know the road you are going down and I wish for you strength and inner peace as you amble down it.
On a lighter note, I prefer the term "our marriage came to a successful conclusion" to divorce. You are welcome to use it.
Hey, Tessie, thought I'd jump in with my show of support and love for you. (Isn't it weird to find out how many people are reading and not commenting?) Anyway, here's an Emotional Cripple story for you: where I used to work, a big muckity-muck from the corporate office would come to our branch a couple days a week. I needed her help to do my job, and so she would continue to do it happily, I would ask her TV trivia questions from out childhood. (Finally came in handy for something!) So we became friends enough that when she was going through her divorce, she came in and told me. I, of course, got up to hug her, but she stood there with her arms at her side and looking down at the ground. I know her to be VERY assertive, so I didn't know what was going on. I hesitated, and said, "I'm going to hug you, unless you tell me not to." (hee!) She just stood there, and I hugged her, her still with her arms at her sides. WTF? Well, later she told me that her family does not hug, she had never been hugged before (in her mid 30s)(in a non-sexual manner, anyway) - so - EMOTIONAL CRIPPLE to the extreme!
P.s. - I asked her if she liked it, she said yes. So there is hope! heh.
Im a new reader too, but I am sorry this is happening. It sucks. No it doesnt jsut suck--it FUCKIN SUCKS! I am thinking about you and your entire family.
Oh, yes, I have read your archives...because you are awesome.
Sounds like many of us (raises hand) have gone through the same thing and I will join them in saying - Bring It On. The good, the bad, and the ugly. We are here for *you* Tessie.
I'm so sorry! I just started reading you, but I don't find you shallow. I hope that your heart heals, and you can dust yourself off from the 'failures of epic proportions'. None of us are perfect, honey.
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