Divorce Card Strikes Again!

You guys. Guess what just got delivered TO MY OFFICE? (also: hello boring office furniture!)

Alice and Jess sent me a mofo CARE PACKAGE! Holy SHIT! In the words of Clark W. Griswold, I couldn't have been more surprised if I woke up with my head sewn to the carpet!

There are Sour Patch Kids, Wine charm thingees, this wicked awesome Cool Shooters mold that lets you make an ICE CUBE in the shape of a SHOT GLASS, chocolate-covered coffee beans, Homemade COOKIES (!), Blue pens (OBV), and an adorable little birdie candle! Man, they are no skimmers, eh?

Plus the Card of Greatness, which on the inside says, "Sorry things suck right now". HEE!

Thank you guys, seriously, so much. This time in my life would be totally, TOTALLY different if I didn't have this blog, and not in a good way.

SO MANY wicked cool people read this thing. WHY? HOW? At any rate, I'm not one to look a gift cookie in the mouth (or...whatever), so I'll just say:

Thanks.

xoxo

Fun Fact Friday!

*I love all of your Twitters. You are all HILARIOUS, The End.

*I bought the Bare Minerals starter kit, but I have not yet bothered to watch the INSTRUCTIONAL DVD that came with it. Yeah. That sounds like something I'll get around to on the 12th of NEVAH.

*I hire someone to mow my lawn, even though I only have grass in the front yard.

*I just had to go back and change the "we"s in that sentence to "I"s. Sigh.

*I am staying in the house. BR has moved to a townhouse a few miles away.

*But I kept the TWO LARGE ROTTWEILERS, so don't get any ideas, stalkers.

*Last night the cable was out in the gym (my home gym)(middle class sob stoooooorry!), so I was forced to watch Step Up while I ran on the treadmill. Yeah, I have it on DVD. Like you don't.

*I think Channing Tatum, the main dude in the movie, looks EXACTLY like one of my college boyfriends.

*I'm thinking No More Hot Guys could be my newest Policy.

*Speaking of college, I had some totally FREAKY exchanges with one of my favorite bloggers yesterday. I met slynnro ON THE INTERNETS when she commented on one of my CBU posts. And yet, turns out? We know all of the same people and ATTENDED THE SAME PARTIES. Like, she was there, and I was there. It's like Sliding Doors, or some shit. Whoa.

Oh Goodie, A DIVORCE BLOG

You know what's weird? Now that the whole divorce thing (tangent! I spell it "divroce" every! single! time!) is out there, I have a lot to say about it. I mean, if you're interested. And why wouldn't you be? It's not a Nervous Tummy topic at ALL, right? Um. Anyway.

Internet slash information HOOR that I am, I searched and SEARCHED for personal blogs that talked about going through this, and I didn't really find much. Yet, I know from all of your comments and emails (THANK YOU HOLY SHIT) that many of us HAVE gone through it. So, I guess my point is that I'm pretty dumb, for a smart person, and therefore I'm willing to talk about this stuff, if there's anything you want to know.

I'll start. Here is something awesome about getting divorced: The Divorce Card. The Divorce Card is most effectively played immediately after you tell people, but depending on how miserable you are and how much you milk it, I'm thinking it can be used for up to a year or more! ACES!

Blog boring as shit and infrequently updated? No worries! You're getting a divorce!

Staring off into space for hours at a time at work, closing your door in clear violation of dorky "open door policy"? It's okay! You're getting a divorce!

Feel like getting drunk? Your friends will drop everything to come over! It's your TIME OF NEED, for chrissakes!

Want to eat popcorn and giant hunks of cheese for dinner every night for weeks on end? No problem! At least you're eating!

Forget birthdays, anniversaries, general hygiene, WHATEV? DIVORCE CARD!

So, there's that. I'm going to have to act considerably more pathetic if I want to keep playing it, though. Not really my forte. I guess I could always pull my nose hairs, in a pinch. I've heard that works.

Inadvisable Post-Divorce Decision #1

I joined Twitter.

Yeah. You're welcome.

I'm Alright, I'm Alright...It Only Hurts When I Breathe

I haven't spent a lot of time, or any time really, thinking about what I want to write about My Deal. I guess I figured there was no point, since I'm never going to be the type of person who is good with pulling the heartstrings. When someone tells me that they've read all the archives on this blog, I always wonder what they think. I wonder if they think I'm shallow. I wonder if they think I'm a flighty nitwit and an underthinker. I wonder if they know I spend 75% of my time in my own head and that I'm generally introverted.

When it comes to Deals, my default position is Reveal Nothing. Sort of like I have for the last several weeks on this blog, and for upwards of several YEARS in other situations. This is the essence of my personal brand of Emotional Cripple. In my world, if you have something serious to talk about, and you can't make a joke about it or keep a stiff upper lip, then you just shut the fuck up. No One Wants To Hear That Shit, and all that.

I don't really know why I'm like this (um, yes I do, EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED FAMILY), because as a rule, I DO want to hear that shit from my friends and family. And from all of YOU. There are very few things that any of you could say that would offend or disinterest me in any way.

So, I'm not sure why I haven't wanted to tell you that BR and I are separated, and that we're getting a divorce.

One reason is that I'm completely burnt out on telling people. It's been like one of those episodes of Oprah where the germophobes have to lick the trashcans. Watch the Emotional Cripple, who tends towards awkwardness in serious, if not all situations, repeatedly have Serious Conversations with everyone she knows! In which she admits failure of epic proportions and reveals various personality and judgement flaws! For someone like me, well, that part is terrible. It's excruciating. It makes me want to be alone. It makes me want to be invisible.

One thing I want to say is that no one is at fault. Well, other than BOTH of us. This was not caused by any type of Deal-Breaking Incident, and we are on good terms. It also goes without saying, I hope, that BR is a great person and a wonderful dad. There's more to our relationship than the things I've written about, obviously, but the things I HAVE written about are all us, too.

I don't know what else to say. I know some of you have questions or comments, but don't want to "pry", and I want you all to know that I don't mind. I'm happy to talk about it, now that the "telling" is out of the way.

I think I'm a hopeful person, as a rule. I want you all to know that your blog posts and comments and emails ADD to that feeling, not take away from it. My wish is that you feel the same way about the things I write. Even this.

WINNAH

Hello! I have been drinking! Oh, fuck you. Like you haven't. It's the 4th of July, for gods sake!

Anyhoozers! The contest dealie! We have a winner, and she is Whimsy! Yay! Whimsy, I'm emailing you soonish. Oh, fine, NOW. I used a random number generator, too, so pipe down, losers. I'm too drunk to mess with favoritism. Pfft.

Thanks for all the hilarious theories on My Deal. Big Boring Reveal to come shortly, and boy howdy are some of you going DOWN with those fucked up guesses. Heh. Love you all.

You want lame? I'LL GIVE YOU LAME!

ALL RIGHT! I'm UP! (said in my best Adam-Sandler-in-Big-Daddy voice)*

Damn you people and your demand for quantity versus quality!

Just for that...PICTURES. Of my KID. Oh ho HO! How do you like me NOW, eh? I'll show YOU quantity!

Experiencing the fine Minnesota tradition of...throwing rocks into the lake. You're welcome, swimmers!

First fish! It's a Sunny. I know, it looks like BAIT. You see how far away I am, taking this? That's because my dad used to make us put OUR OWN WORMS on the hook. Result: EMOTIONAL CRIPPLE. Oh, fine. That's not why. Still. The trauma. It is fresh.

First...ORANGE POP. TRUE EFFING STORY. Gah. Gross. Look at her, opening her mouth like a little baby bird! Grandparents. Honestly. I practically had to pry an orange pop out of his cold, dead, hands back in my day.

*TANGENT! I have a pretty major Adam-Sandler-quote, uh, PROBLEM. This is SO LAME and also is really starting to DATE ME, but...I cannot stop. I'm going to be, like, EIGHTY pulling this shit.

Tessie's sister: *steps on lego* Ow! Sheee-it!
Tessie: Scuba Steve! DAMN YOU!

Tessie's friend: You look weird in this picture.
Tessie: I know. They fucking superimposed me!

Cute intern at Tessie's work: This is my friend, Sara!
Tessie: *snort* What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark!

Tessie, in a variety of inappropriate situations: FUCK ME IN THE GOAT ASS! (hmm. NEW TAGLINE!)

GOD, I hope you people are happy. This is OFF THE RAILS.