Fun Fact Friday: I'll Be Over This Eventually

*Some weeks I'm just not up to reading the Postsecrets. Ya know what I mean?

*Books I've read recently: Bringing Down The House (the book the movie 21 was based on); The Appeal (SHUT UP); Good Calories, Bad Calories (took me FOREVER).

*I had to get a new phone this week. AD dropped my old one in the pool. Is that not the saddest upper-middle-class sob story you've ever heard?

*I used to wear colored contacts to make my eyes even more green than they normally are.

*A wine that I'm into lately is Monkey Bay Pinot Grigio. I get mine at Target.

*I didn't drink regularly until I was nearly 21 (Nervous Tummy).

*The first time I got drunk was on Watermelon Schnapps and Ruby Red Squirt. To this day, the smell of watermelon gum makes me barfy.

*I get mad crushes on the talented guy dancers on So You Think You Can Dance.

*It blows my mind that AD will likely grow up in a place where there are entire separate SCHOOLS for performing arts, or math and science, or whatev. Where I grew up, you took the same classes and participated in the same sports as the other 85 people and THAT WAS THE END OF IT. You couldn't even attend a PRIVATE school, unless you were willing to drive over 60 miles away.

*I recently told an old friend about this blog. Incidentally, the Watermelon Schnapps/Ruby Red Squirt thing was all his fault. Well, him and a guy we called "Tippy", who was probably the most charismatic yet truly shady character I've ever met.

Hellbeast, Inc.: MD & A

Jesus H. Christ, I forgot to mention my KID in any of those alternate blog titles from yesterday! The shame spiral continues! Well, you'll be glad to know I do still have a kid. Here she is, as a refresher:

I actually think my 5-year-old NEPHEW took this picture, which is utterly humiliating since I've been trying to get something similar for AGES. SHAME SPIRAL.
Speaking of 5-year-old-nephews, here's mine now! Aren't they the cutest little supahfans you ever saw? Yes, that's a tent. Sitting on our patio. Do you know how the manufacturer suggests that you anchor that thing? With SAND. They want you to fill the side pockets with enough SAND to hold it down. REALLY, children's tent manufacturer? That's the first thing that came to mind? Way to hear hoof beats and think ZEBRA.But really, the big news at Hellbeast, Inc. is the Big Girl Bed.

WHY would we do this? The answer is that *I* would NOT do this. AD could have slept in her crib until she was old and gray for all I care. Lord knows she will probably be short enough. She could have mounted a 20-inch plasma on the footboard and been set for life. But BR gets these wild hairs about shit like this, and believe me when I say it's not worth trying to talk him out of it. Especially if there's a "project" with drills and schematics and such involved. Anyway, we had one of those convertible cribs, and apparently every time BR walked by that thing it whispered in his ear, "DISASSEMBLE MEEE. It'll be FUUN and will require a trip to Home Deeepot!".

(Incidentally, it was an Ikea crib, which I totally recommend if you are short. They are much, much shorter and lower to the ground than any crib I saw anywhere else. Most of the cribs I looked at would have required an elaborate pulley system and/or a 2 foot free fall in order for someone my size to lower a baby into them).

So that happened. BR did end up putting a little rail on the side, since the first night she rolled right off the thing and onto the floor, where she promptly curled up with her butt in the air and went back to sleep. "No harm, no foul", I said, but BR was all HORRIFIED and shit. What a wuss.

Anyway, this is actually working out BETTER than the crib thing. You may have already guessed that AD is not the brand of kid who stays in a bed as if it is protected by an invisible forcefield. As soon as she's up, she leaps over that rail like she's a perp on an episode of COPS. Which SOUNDS like it would suck, but secretly DOESN'T, because now she comes to US, happy and fully awake, instead of us having to haul our happy asses into HER room and deal with her shrieks of incarcerated rage. Total lazy parenting win-win.

Plus, toddler bedding. Seriously. I'm thinking of scoring MYSELF one of those Dora pillows.

Things I SHOULD Have Called This Blog

*You Know What I Hate?

*Worst Day of My LIFE, What Do You THINK!

*The Most Annoying Person on the Face of The Earth, Except for the Dude in Those "HeadOn" Commercials

*The Most Annoying Person on the Face of The Earth, INCLUDING the Dude in Those "HeadOn" Commercials

*WICKED PISSED

*Caps Lock Chronicles

*Tussling With Tussy, But Not In a Dirty Way, Which is Totally How it Sounds

*Adventures in Underthinking

*Lord, Beer Me Strength

*Fake Hispanic 'Til You Make Hispanic

*Texas! It's Like A Whole 'Nother Country! And I Don't Mean Canada!

SHAME SPIRAL

Uff. So, that last few days, that was fun, eh? I am behind on EVERYTHING, you guys! Enter post-holiday/out-of-office shame spiral! And now it's 3 pm, and we all know what THAT means. Nonsensicality! ness! osity!

OBV I have no pictures from the holiday weekend, even though my sister was in town and we went to Medieval Times, which was OMG so awesome (Red Knight's goin down! Down, down, down! YOU'RE GOIN' DOWN, RED KNIGHT!).

Anyway! Would you like to hear all about the conference I attended on Thursday and Friday? Lordy. Talk about shame spirals.

Shame the first: The course instructor kicked off a cheery soliloquy on work/life balance by telling us all about an immune disorder he has, and how he was on what he thought was his deathbed a year ago, and how looking back he realizes he worked too much and this, in addition to being the most clunky sentence the world has ever known, sounds much cheesier and lame than it actually was in person. It was actually sort of riveting, in a Lifetime Movie kind of way. More than one person teared up! (not ME, OBV. GOD! Pull your head out of your ass!) But THEN, after the Hallmark Moment, as if to prove his point, he followed up by asking the room how many people worked 40 hours a week, and I was the ONLY PERSON who raised my hand! So embarassing. Slash awesome. Clearly CFO material here. NOTE TO SELF: LIE LIKE RUG about hours worked to avoid THE AWK. Also, I totally ruined the poor guy's dramatic moment.

Shame the second: This same instructor mentioned, during his speech, that he didn't shake hands due to the immune disorder thing. Well, I really did enjoy the class, and so on the second day, in a rare triumph over the nervous tummy, I went up to tell him. And I OFFERED HIM MY HAND to shake! GAH! He took it, too, and it wasn't until I was leaving the room that I DIED INSIDE. How could I have SPACED on that? Ugg. I felt terrible. He probably had to chop the hand off and cauterize the wound after I left.

Shame the third: We did some of those goofy personality tests, and it turns out I am sorely lacking in the "directive" traits necessary to become CFO! I.E., I have a Nervous Tummy, which I didn't really need a $1500 conference to tell me. Each category had 30 traits associated with it, and I only checked ONE from the "directive" column! (independent). Dominant? No. Likes Challenge? Not really. Decisive? Eh. Confident and bold? NOT SO MUCH. Fears being taken advantage of? HELL NO! I am the OPPOSITE of that! So that was a bit of a downer. Turns out that you are supposed to be more directive and less "influencing", which is how I roll. (Intuitive! Flexible! Enthusiastic! Overly Optimistic! Avoids Conflict! This category practically has my picture SUPERIMPOSED over the top!). Percentage of CFOs with Influencing as their dominant trait? ONE. UNO. Am headed STRAIGHT TO THE TOP.

Sigh.

Fun Fact Friday!

*As you read this, I am attending a conference on "Moving From Controller to CFO". Um, assuming you are reading this on Friday between the hours of 8:30 and 4:30. WHATEVER. Don't get fussy on me. I tried to find a conference on "Moving from Controller to Cook on Crab Fishing Vessel", but...denied. Lame.

*I actually enjoy completing my CPE hours. Mostly because I feel wicked cool and downright FOXY in a room full of CPAs.

*BR's and my parents (My parents and BR's parents? Our parents? That makes it sounds like we're SIBLINGS. Oh, fuck it) have been married a total of 8 times. That we know of.

*BR doesn't know his dad. He left when BR was two and his sister was an infant.

*I like to tease him by bellowing, "Will has an attachment disorder!". It's funny because it's TRUE.

*BR is the only person I have ever met who can relate to my relationship with my family.

*I got TWO emails from PR/Marketing people this week asking me to review products on this blog. How do they decide who to email about this stuff? No, seriously. How?

*I have a weird habit of carrying a pen or highlighter everywhere I go when I'm at work. It's like they're my BINKY or something. I hold them in my hand during meetings. I carry them into the kitchen to get coffee. I even have to stop myself from carrying them INTO THE RESTROOM. What does it MEAN? (you: Will has an attachment disorder!)

*I used to date a guy who was addicted to chapstick. He kept tubes EVERYWHERE, including on top of the fridge and under his mattress. He would even cut a slit in the waistband of his boxers so he could keep a tube (OF CHAPSTICK! GOD!) in THERE.

*This is the first time I have scheduled a post to be published IN THE FUTURE. You are reading this FROM THE FUTURE! We shall call you...THE OCEANIC 6(ish).

What's A Witty Way To Say "Phoning It In?"

This morning I was cruising on in to work (THANKS HOV LANE!), thinking about how I needed to upload some pictures so I could finally do a post that didn't highlight my apparent Mood Disorder, and then I get to my desk and...CHA-CHING! My mom comes through with some from the Old School. Lucky you!

This is my grandparents' wedding photo (my mom's parents). That's my grandmother Sophia and my grandfather James. My grandfather is no longer living (he worked for the railroad and was killed in a work accident), but my grandmother is. Fun fact! My grandmother had 10 brothers and sisters, and my grandfather had 12 (positively Duggar-esque!). Also, at the risk of sounding totally, totally gross, WASN'T MY GRANDPA HOT? I remember looking at this picture with my sister after we were both adults, and we turned to each and giggled like, "WHOA". Inappropriate. Slash TRUE.

A picture of my mom and both of my grandfathers on my parents' wedding day. Let's just skim over the giant error in judgement that was their doomed marriage and focus on this awesome picture, mkay? On the left is my grandfather James, then my mom, then my grandfather Burton (my dad's dad). My grandpa Bud is no longer living either. He died of cancer a few years ago. Fun non-terminal-cancer fact! After my parents divorced, my mom put her wedding dress and bouquet (the flowers were FAKE! ) in our "dress-up" bin and let us play with it. Way to think that one through, mom. Covering your innocent children in your Divorce Cooties. Heh.

My sister and I love to give our parents shit about their wedding stuff. We think it's so, so funny(also, that Emotional Cripple thing sort of...runs in the family). But if you knew how tragically unsuited they were for each other, and what a giant pain in the ass their marriage must have been, you would know how giddy we are that it didn't last. You know, since we both turned out totally, TOTALLY, fine. Ish. WHATEVER. MOOD DISORDERS ASIDE.

Actually, since we are on this hilarious Children of Divorce kick, I DO want to know this from the divorced people with kids: what did you do with the "stuff" related to your marriage(s)? Did you save your dress, or your rings, or your wedding albums or anything for your kids? Do you consider it bad juju, or a genuine keepsake for your children? Have you considered the fact that your children might MAKE FUN of the stuff, because they are ASSHOLES?

The Best Defense Is...A Good (ish) Blog Post?

So, I'm feeling a little misunderstood regarding my post yesterday. Or do I mean defensive? I don't know. Probably that too. Let's call it both. I don't mind.

I didn't mean to imply that there's anything wrong with fussing over a toddler's chubby thighs, or that if you do it you are necessarily harming anyone in any way. I love a chubby toddler thigh as much as the next girl. MORE, probably. All I MEANT to say is that I would personally never comment on it, and that for whatever reason, probably related to some type of permanent brain damage, it makes me vaguely awkward and uncomfortable when I hear OTHERS do it. But, uh, you guys? The list of things I would never do and/or that make me awk and uncomfortable is AS LONG AS MY ARM. Actually, it's as long as SHAQ's arm. Assuming the list was typed in 6-point font. Single spaced. Okay? It doesn't mean that I think you are an insensitive, ignorant jackass if you roll a different way.

I am also open to the possiblity that I am oversensitive/over-the-top on this issue. It sort of surprises me that MORE people don't feel the way I do, but the fact remains that they don't. My personal opinion is that the best and least hurtful course of action is to never, ever, comment on weight or body shape or quantity/quality of food intake. Regardless of the age of the person, or the person's sex, or their weight, or the setting. If you start making qualifications, e.g. it's acceptable for BABIES, but not TODDLERS, or it's acceptable at HOME, but not in PUBLIC, or it's acceptable if the person is a MAN, but not a WOMAN, then I think you're entering dangerous territory. That's just my opinion. Many, many, people disagree, including my own husband, and that's fine. And even *I* am not perfect in applying the Policy. But I do try to be perfect. That's how important I think it is.

Anyway. I enjoy discussing the Policy, and why I feel the way I do (brain damage?), but one worry I have is that by doing so I am Making A Big Deal Out of It, when that is the exact OPPOSITE of what I want to do. I mean, Don't Make A Big Deal Out of It is practically my LIFE MISSION STATEMENT, for the love of god.

So. That's what I would have said. In an alternate dimension where I THINK IT THROUGH FOAH THE LOVE OF GAWD.

Also! Here's something else I want to clear up! Are you ready?

I like the Duggars. I DO! I like them. I think they are a nice family, and aren't hurting anyone by the way they live and therefore don't really deserve the constant scorn they get. Well, except for the clothes. And the hair. And the unfortunate "J" naming schtick. And the TOTALLY GRODY scenes where Mr. Duggar cozies up to that poor woman like the relentless horndog the indisputable evidence suggests he is. Those all have to go.