So, yesterday I had occasion to shop at the mall. ALONE. I know, right? BEST DAY OF MY LIFE! Other than the crowds of heat-avoiding teenyboppers (Do we still SAY that? Who am I, Dick Clark on American Bandstand?). Speaking of which, what the FUCK, teenyboppers? In my day, we spent summers at the pool, frying ourselves to a crisp and "flirting" with boys by walking by in packs 8-10 times an hour. Granted, we didn't HAVE a mall, but I'm sorry, the mall just doesn't scream SUMMER to me. It's fucking depressing. You need your Vitamin D, you pasty, texting city rats. SRSLY. LOL.
Anyhoozers! Two things about the mall:
*Listen. I went inside Forever 21. Let's just get that out there. I don't know what got into me. It was right next to Waldenbooks, and I just sort of...drifted in. I spent the entire time playing a little game I like to call Shirt? Or Dress? No Seriously. Shirt or Dress? Um. I could not even identify the PURPOSE of some of the clothes. So that was a morale booster. Also, 21 was one of the shittier years of my life, so I'm not sure why I was hoping to memorialize it with a shirt (or dress?).
*I did buy a pair of jeans, (Aeropostle if you must know, and shut your mouth!) so I was carrying around my bag, and my purse, and then I bought a pop too, and I felt like a goddamned PACK MULE, you guys! I was like, this fucking sucks! Why do I have to carry all of this...SHIT? And I felt so beaten down, and then I remembered why: I haven't shopped at the mall without a stroller (slash shit storage unit) in like TWO YEARS! Shopping with a stroller is a totally hands-free experience, and I'd forgottten how SWEET that is. Next time I find myself at the mall alone, I'm bringing the stroller ANYWAY. Well, either that or a backpack and one of those beverage-dispensing hats.
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About Me
- Tess
- Tess is a recently divorced single mom living thousands of miles from her family and friends. So she's got that going for her, which is nice. Email her at trueishstory AT gmail DOT com.
49 comments:
I know everyone else, even aged peeps like myself, are all about Forever 21 for bargains. But I've recently decided I am only allowed to shop in the accessories department there. That place gives me a complex because I am a size Large in everything. And the teenyboppers. OH they make me insane. That place does have one benefit- it makes me okay with my old person status.
Want to hear a Fun Fact? (On a Monday?? FFM!!)
I read your FFF post in a MALL in Scranton, PA on my Blackberry. I was on my way to my friend's house on Friday, and stopped in Scranton to pee and get an Orange Julius. I'd forgotten they existed.
Wow, that was like 2 fun facts.
Note to self: Decline all offers of mall shopping with Tessie because she will either (1) be wearing a ridiculous hat or (2) make me carry everything for her or (3) be pushing around a stroller without a baby in sight, thus looking like a crazy person strolling along with her imaginary baby.
I played "shirt or dress" in Macy's, Old Navy, and Mandee's Thursday before I got mad and went home. I wanted either a dressy shirt or a dress. Not both. I complained about it all weekend and am truly grateful for another outlet to bitch about it.
Thanks!
I had to ask "shirt or dress" in The Children's Place. I was told it could be a short dress or a long shirt to wear with bike shorts or leggings. You know you're old when you can't figure out 2-year-old fashion.
But it is so HOT in Texas. I cannot blame teenyboppers for hanging out inside sometimes. Here in Minnesota where it was a perfect 80 degrees on Saturday, I do blame teenyboppers.
Forever 21 scares me.
Oh, heelarious, Tessie.
Not knowing the purpose of clothes? It seems to happen to me more and more. I even look on the TAGS to try to figure it out. WTH?
Do you think that our moms or grandmoms did that with the leggings? Were they all like, 'Are these things TIGHTS or PANTS?'
lmao. srsly.
I love shopping (sigh) but LOATHE the mall! Those damn kids should be laying out on some roof, coated with baby oil (or olive oil if they prefer) just like we did! Man, those were the days - before we cared about skin cancer.
But still, can't they even go raise hell at a friend's house while the parents are at work? Ugh...I feel so old.
You seriously crack me up.
Wish I had been there to shop with you! I LOVE TO SHOP (as if you didn't know this)!!!
And, we don't have "malls" here either and even if I am outside 24-7 I'll still be PASTY with the god-forsaken weather we've had in this country the last two years. Blah.
I have always wished that malls had shopping carts and now you have solved my dilemma! Just get a stroller! Duh! Who cares if there's no kid to sit in it? That just means there's more room for the STUFF!
Also, I'm only three years removed from 21 and I can't figure out that stupid store either.
I've never been into a Forever 21, I'm so far out of their demographic, there is just no point. As for the shirt or dress issue, the women at gofugyourself.com probably have a whole category devoted just to that issue, so I don't feel badly that I can't figure out what the hell function a shirt/dress is supposed to have half the time when I go shopping.
Best. Post. Ever.
It seems that Cameron Diaz has decided to play that game by wearing whatever the hell she wants and saying "these legs TRUMP THIS BITCH", no?
I just got a round of sundresses at Forever 21 because they were cheap but they were all CLEARLY MARKED dresses. :)
I bought a long strapless dress recently and the salesperson informed me it could also be worn as a skirt. It would've never crossed my mind that it could be a skirt too. Maybe it's because on me it would be dragging the ground, but the possible two-for-one deal helped justify the price!
I get a rare form of polio when I have to go to the mall. I guess it's a guy thing cuz I can see other guys in there with pain on their face.
The other great thing about a stroller at the mall? People get out of your way a little more readily.
I hate stores that make me feel old.
*stunned* You know, you are EXACTLY RIGHT. I have been BITCHING AND MOANING about having to bring a stroller, but what would I do WITHOUT it??
Teenyboppers - yeah, still say it.
My husband's cousin (14?) is CONSTANTLY texting. ALL THE TIME. What the hell do they have to say to each other all that time?
So funny you mention the shirt or dress dilema...had the exact same problem about a month ago when a girlfriend and I were looking for a club outfit.
And if you must know...LOVE Aeropostle. Cheap and cute!
It's all in how old you FEEL...not how old you really are. And in that case I am FOREVER 21!!! (maybe closer to 26)
I once ventured in to Forever 21 and they yelled at me for bringing in my Starbucks. So screw them, I haven't been back.
We stopped lugging the stroller around when Lucy turned 2, and I told ub the other day that getting it our again may be the best thing about having another baby!! Unless I can rig a cupholder to my belt.....
Ha! I've NEVER been in Forever 21, and I LOVE shopping alone. Also, you say "pop." I don't actually know anyone who says "pop." Everyone I know says "soda." ;)
Well, I just had to move my blog and am a little comment-shy, so I'm going to go anon for a while. You'll know who I am anyway.
Oh, also. Check your email so you know where I am now.
"beverage dispensing hat"!! LOL! Awesome. This post was hilarious!
I use my husband as my storage unit/pack mule while out shopping. My kids (age 21 & 23) are way past stroller age.
I've had that SHIT NO STROLLER mall experience too, and it SUCKED. I was shopping with a couple of girlfriends, and none of us had our kids along, and we ALL moaned the ENTIRE time about having to carry our stuff. I'm keeping my graco forever!
i LOVE the shirt or dress game? it's ridiculous fun. also, frustrating since i NEVER know the answer!
Ugh. Mall Teeny Boppers. Hate.
Goddamn, you are BACK, funny person!
Have you ever been in Charlotte Russe? The whole store is tailored for skinny Asian girls (seriously, that's all they feature in their posters) and yet I always find the BEST STUFF in there, while feeling like a douche the entire time.
P.S. I am wearing one of those half-dresses/half-tops today. I'm wearing it with pants, BECAUSE I'M OLD.
ha! i just went to forever 21 for the first time in about 2 years last weekend. i did end up with 3 purchases (oops) but 2 were tube tops because mine all mysteriously disappeared, and also EIGHT DOLLARS! each! AWESOME!!!
A friend wore a shirt/dress mystery garment to a party once and another friend's husband quietly took his wife aside and asked if the other girl had been interrupted while dressing, like before the part where you put on a skirt or some pants. I guess she lost at the shirt/dress game!
I hear what you're saying on the pack mule thing. I wanted to say "I feel you on the pack mule thing", but then I got over myself and realised I've been watching way too much of The Wire lately.
Anyway, people walk everywhere in the UK, and as I'm so used to pushing the stroller, I look like a right prat without it. I think I walk with a forward tilt, almost pushing a ghostly stroller. I need that apparatus to push me forward, otherwise I feel I have no momentum. Thus, it becomes obvious that I need to take my toddler EVERYWHERE.
Oh. My. God. That is a brilliant idea. Next time *I* go to the mall (probably in about 2014), I'm bringing a COOLER. On WHEELS. I'm going to have to alter these bad boys:
http://meandyouandellie.blogspot.com/
I prefer to call them whippersnappers. And I agree, the stroller is a handy thing to have to cram full of my stuff (oh, and I guess a few things for Zoe).
OMG you Midwesterner- you said "pop"!! I bet they don't say that in TEXASS much! Do you miss us up here in the region where the temp can be 34, 60 and 89 all in the same 24 hours? I never know if I'm supposed to wear a parka or a bikini. (I lied, I can't wear a bikini anymore, but hell, it's the INTERNET, and unless I TOLD you that you'd never know!)
Yeah, what is UP with that whole shirt/dress deal? Crazy kids.
Stroller and a beverage-dispensing hat. LOVE YOU!
No one else mentioned it so I will. Get used to it. Once that kid is out of the stroller you will become a pack mule for years. That is unless you have another so that you can add years to your stroller usage.
I take great joy in being able to go to either the mall or Wal-Mart ALONE. Is that normal?
So, all these shirt/dresses are pissing me off, because any of my shirts from before last summer are now, like, half/belly shirts. And, if I wear them now it is like I am wearing Mom Jeans in shirt form. WTF, teenyboppers?
And, really...who would want to be 21 forever? Especially 21 year olds who wear shirt/dresses? Not me. That's who.
I think that if you can't even tell what an item of clothing is supposed to be, that is a good indicator that you should just walk away!!!
I have very low tolerance for the mall anymore, although I would probably go there happily if I could go alone!
I think you might want to skip the stroller without kid idea, I see numerous homeless people in downtown that have already stole that idea!
I went to Forever 21 to get my niece a gift at Christmas but the overstocked racks confused the crap out of me so I decided on a gift card. After waiting in the long line it was finally my turn and they told me that you had to buy gift cards at the OTHER register on the OTHER end of the store. Lugged all my shit down there and thankfully no line BUT they had to go to the FIRST register to get the dumb giftcard! No more Forever 21 for me!
This may be the funniest post yet! I was laughing so hard at the Forever 21 adventure, I snorted (don't tell anyone).
I don't think I was ever brave enough to go into Forever 21, but the GAP has always been dear to my heart for being able to kill my self-esteem in a single shopping trip. "Oh you THINK you're an 8, but here at the GAP we start with size 1 models and judge how fat you are compared to them. So you, you're hereby a 15 1/2. Good luck finding anything that fits!"
This post should go in a Classic Tessie Rants sidebar. I agree with every single bit of it.
The other day, while going to see SATC for the second time, I dared to wear an Aeropostle long shirt/short dress garment OVER A PAIR OF JEANS. This is a garment I wore as a maternity shirt last summer, but which now seems too short to be a dress for anyone over the age of three. Yet I discovered it still looks DUMB AS HELL worn as a shirt over a pair of pants. Back to the maternity pile!
You'll all be happy to know that Forever 21 is now trying out a new concept named "XXI Forever" which is about 5 times the other stores size (maybe 7-8 normal mall storefronts) in one of our local malls (NC). More teenyboppers than ever (but at least it kind of collects them all in one place).
I was playing the shirt or dress game this weekend too. I think it would be much easier if they would just SAY SO, instead of making me guess.
I tried on a shirt/dress this weekend, and when I came out of the dressing room, the very sarcastic sales clerk says "ummm...that's a skirt" (pshh...who knew?) AND it was cuter as a dress. So there.
If I saw a woman shopping with an kid-less stroller, I would call Mall Security under the assumption that she was there to kidnap a wayward child and sell them into white slavery. I'm just warnin' ya.
Yeah...I don't overly miss the stroller much except while shopping. Just getting that beast in and out of my car was a shitty experience.
OK, that's it. Its time for an intervention. Where are you Tessie? My brain doesn't know what to do without you expressin all my naughty thoughts for me (yes, my brain has a nervous tummy). I miss my giggle. Give us this day our daily Tess... PLEASE.
Monday Tessie, Friday here. I'm worried about you. WHERE ARE YOUUUUUU?
I have been reading your blog and may I say you are hilarious? Thank you, thank you, thank you for making me laugh!
When it keeps saying "no new posts," I feel like strangling somebody. Not YOU, I hasten to say. I'm thinking of whoever it is who typed in the words "no new posts."
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