Well, as long as we're going All Mommyblog, All The Time this week, we might as well finish off by heeding Swistle's call for fascinating tales of How I Found Out I Was Pregnant.
I have had so much trouble spinning this story into a heartwarming and beautiful tale that it remains the only page in AD's baby book that is TOTALLY BLANK. I am paralyzed! What is the proper mix of words to describe the feeling I mostly think of as "tentative 'yay?', but too early to call, really"? Fucking baby books. Can't in good conscience fill them with barfy sweet nothings, can't in good conscience fill them with cusswords. WHAT TO DO.
Anyway, baby book issues aside, here is the tale in all of its clueless glory:
BR and I knew we wanted to have kids fairly soon after our marriage. BR was DYING to have kids and rode my ass practically DAILY about it from the day we started dating. He had some imaginary deadline in his Life Plan or whatever, and you know how those Fussypantses are about their scheduling. We went back and forth and to and fro and I remained mostly ambivalent for a while, and finally we agreed to Pull the Goalie or insert TMI expression of your choice or whatev.
I went about my business for some number of months, awaiting the return of my cycle and not thinking too much else about it, because that is just the kind of laid-back-in-fact-practically-comatose life I lead. There was no charting, or spreadsheets, or protractors, or planet-charting, or other strategic maneuvers of any kind. I figured I'd worry about all of that if and when I got a regular cycle again.
A few months into this shenanigan, I still hadn't gotten my cycle back, but I remained unconcerned since it had routinely taken me 6 months or more on the few other occasions I had stopped taking birth control. I decided to take a test anyway, for a reason that now eludes me (Seriously. Am storyteller for the ages! Jesus!).
It was so half-assed and random that I bought the test on my lunch break at work and took it in the bathroom at my office. And this is where it gets REALLY retarded, because I didn't bring the BOX in, since I was being all stealth and such, just the TEST. So, I take the test, and it shows one LINE and one CROSS. And stupid, newbie, I HAVE TWO ADVANCED DEGREES WITH HONORS me, thinks, "Oh, well. I am not pregnant. Under the slot machine theory, you must have two of the SAME characters to win." And so I ran off to my desk to eat my raw sushi and drink my pop AND SO ON, none the wiser. People, this is a glimpse into my accepting nature. I just LET IT DROP. I didn't go out to my car and get the box, or even look it up on the internet, or ANYTHING. What the FUCK? It seems a little bit like DENIAL, looking back.
Anyway, when I got home I was removing the box to throw it away, and I happened to glance at the Answer Key.
PSA: IF YOU BUY THE CHEAP TESTS YOU NEED A LINE AND A CROSS! FORGET THE SLOT MACHINE THEORY!
So of course I ran out to get one of those dummy-proof tests, which were made for Special Users JUST LIKE ME, the kind that says either "Pregnant" or "Not Pregnant" in REAL WORDS, and is not a spatial relations or matching-style puzzle of any kind.
It read "Pregnant" in about .2 seconds, which I would find out later was because I was TEN WEEKS PREGNANT at the time (I didn't feel any different). The very first thing I did was laugh. The very second thing I did was sit down in my closet, and say out loud, "I'm sorry baby". Nice confidence, eh? I was pretty worried about being a mom. I thought there was at least an even chance that I would suck at it. But, I was starting to get giddy at the prospect of telling someone I knew wouldn't suck at it: BR.
I gave him the test in his Christmas card later that night and he immediately burst into tears like a TOTAL CHICK. Having AD is truly a dream come true for him and he has adored her since the moment he saw that test. And THAT'S the kind of thing I want to write in her baby book. But I also want her to know that my reaction is okay too. Just because you were drafted doesn't mean you won't be a good soldier. Hell, I'll probably even reenlist.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
49 comments:
If this were my parents' story I would be totally touched by it. "I'm sorry baby" is a really cute answer. Seriously, this is totally worthy of the baby book. And so, so you. You are a great mom.
Wow, I wish I could be that laid back. I knew I was pregnant before I even bought the test. Although I also needed a Pregnant / Not Pregnant test. I don't need these puzzles and faint lines. I need something concrete.
This is probably the best story I've heard on the subject. You didn't even check for the Answer Key before going in? That's even laid back by my standards!
Lori-I don't know what the hell, I think it may have been COCKINESS. You hear so much about "Two pink lines" or whatever, I guess I just thought I would KNOW a positive when I saw it. WRONG.
haaaaa i love the slot machine theory of life. i want to employ it more, i think.
me, to cop who has pulled me over: "but officer, i didn't have 3 of the same drink! i CAN'T be drunk!"
AD is lucky to have such awesome parents :-)
Damn it, you made me cry, like a big old BR chick!
Also, I seem to remember you haveing a very hard time with how laid back I was when I took a test a few months back but got bored and left the bathroom.
This is an example of why I think you might be one of the coolest women I have never met.
LOVED IT! Totally opposite of me, though, who couldn't wait yet one more day and ran out and bought one of those early tests with yes the pink cross line and it was ever so faint, but it was there!!! A few days later I took another and YEP, it was true.
I betcha' AD doesn't think you need to apologize - then or now:)
this story is so you it's absolutely perfect for the baby book and I think I would err on the side of cuss words in case you're wondering. I think the laid back nature probably MAKES you a great mom. When I was all stressed and anxiety ridden in the beginning (damn hormones) I couldn't handle anything and now I think being a mom is just FUN.
LOVE THIS STORY! It is VERY VERY similar to mine.
AND just so you know, I had to go buy the "dummy" test for both pregnancies...
I bought the dummy test the first go around because it was the most expensive, I was scared shitless about being pregnant, and also because it told me clearly in no uncertain terms pregnant/NOT pregnant. Yeah same reaction to the test... I barely peed on that thing when the word pregnant came up.
I actually bought a cheapie three pack this time and used all of them before going back for the dummy test because the whole plus/minus thing - well I could not wrap my brain around it apparently. I am BRILLIANT.
I love that BR cried. Those fake Hispanics are so emotional and shit.
Ok, well, we are polar opposites in dealing with this sort of thing, but I can't comment any more about that b/c I'm still caught up on the "slot machine theory".
Girl. I'm dying.
Oh!!! He cried? Oh!!! That is awesome.
I love real men, who are people instead of droids.
OMG that's an awesome story. Seriously you need to put that in the baby book.
but I don't understand. So you only took ONE test, and you didn't stare at it obsessively/save it/photograph it/scan it/post it to the internets?
really?
hehehe I think this is a cute story. I would be amused if it was in my baby book, but ONLY if you showed it to me after I'd have kids. Before I had kids I took everything personally.
That is an awesome story. It needs to go into AD's book verbatim.
Ha! That's funny. I've been pregnant so many times (7), that the only ones I remember were the last three, because by that point I could actually feel implantation happen and my boobs hurt like serious damn hell BEFORE my period was even due. And yes, you are correct in that my number of pregnancies in no way matches my number of children (4). That is a story for another day.
I love this story! You are definately more laid back than me. . . I analyzed the instructions on mine before I even took it. I had to pee SO bad I was all antsy trying to get through the instructions before peeing on myself.
I agree with pickles, print this puppy out and super glue it in the book today!
LOVE that story!!!
At least you did AD's baby book. I think all together I've completed maybe 3 pages in Parker's and now, well, I sort of lost momentum. Okay, not like I ever had it apparently, but some day she is going to resent me for a 98% empty baby book.
I love this! She's a lucky little lady.
Oh, and also: I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good looking. I'm not very attractive.
Come to think of it, maybe you weren't referencing this movie in your title at all. Now I'm just weird. K, bye!
As long as I have known you, you have been that way. How you are friends with a total fussypants like me is beyond my depth of understanding! Maybe it is because we have Darla in between to help us balance each other out! I think that is a great story for AD to know, she needs to see that it is okay to relax! Oh, and I don't think I have ever heard this story!
Comments hijack:
I realize that in my last comment I left things like sort of, uh, what? Like perhaps I just ended pregnancies on a whim. NOT SO! They ended by themselves. I've had three miscarriages. And they SUCKED big time. But I've also had four beautiful kids. And that is what I choose to dwell on (though I did dwell on the negative at the time). Perhaps sometime in the future I will write a post on this.
And now, back to Tessie's blog...
Tilly-YES! THANK YOU! This is the second time I have used that title and not ONCE has anyone ever even PRETENDED to get it.
JMC-That's what I assumed you had meant. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriages.
This story is hilarious. Jumping on the MUST POST in AD's book IMMEDIATELY bandwagon.
10 weeks! I love it.
And....THIS is why I LOVE YOU! You tell the truth without all the sentimental guilt crap!!!
Also, what movie are you and Tilly referencing? I can ALMOST put my finger on it.....
Katie-It's Billy Madison. The Adam Sandler thing, it's a sickness. I can't help myself.
That story is AWESOME! I was almost that clueless with my first! I love BR's reaction, though. Totally made me tear up.
I love this! And it is definitely worthy of the baby book.
I am WAY too far into the fussypants category for not looking at the box. My brain simply cannot understand that sort of laid back attitude. I bet you don't have to double check 50 times each night that your door is locked either.
I so very much love this story! And I cannot believe you went about your day without checking!
Great Story! I was having a sucking day till I read it. Thanks.
Loved your story and AD will definitely need to hear it JUST like that. I am still in shock (and awe) about your utter lack of fussypants-ness. I didn't know it was possible to not be totally neurotic about pregnancy tests! You are my hero.
Such a cute story!
But I have a question. I have never had a pregnancy scare (thank god) so have never taken a test. But considering it is something that you PEE on, is that not strange that you put it in a Christmas card? Or do I just totally not understand?
And BR crying when he found out you were pregnant? Is so precious.
Stephanie-Hee! It IS a little weird, but in my defense it was one of those where you cover the peed on part with a plastic cover. Plus, I totally wiped it off!
I will add that those digital display tests don't last forever so if you're hoping to keep them you should take a picture of the readout and keep that instead.
Oh, your story was just perfect. Funny and sweet and cute! You must be a fun mom.
First - this is the sweetest, kindest, and most generous thing I've heard anyone say about someone else:
"But, I was starting to get giddy at the prospect of telling someone I knew wouldn't suck at it: BR."
Wow.
Also, I just love how YOU shine through in this post. Laid back, realistic, hilarious, and totally sincere.
I think you should put this story in the baby book since, after all, it is as you call is a FUCKING baby book. Just make sure you put one of those black and white explicit stickers on the front. BAW HA HA HA HA
Man, Tessie. I've just got to chime in that this is one of the sweetest stories. And it should absolutely go in the book, as is.
That was awesome!!! It is seriously such a great story. And awwww, BR!!! So sweet.
It doesn't seem like it has been that long since we were at Baja Fresh (R.I.P. - why did it have to close??? )and you told me you were prego!! I don't think I will ever forget that lunch! :-)
This is a surprisingly touching story. Like, I was kind of doing the TOTAL CHICK thing myself. It's one of my favorites of all your posts, for its combination of So So Funny and then the Tears Springing To Eyes. Brava, brava!
I love that you were TEN WEEKS and didn't even know it. LUCKY BITCH.
That seems acceptable for the baby book, I think. Its clear to me you love AD and I don't even KNOW you, so she's gotta be feeling it too.
ALSO, I have FIVE children and ZERO baby books. I kept leafing through possibilities (for BOOKS--the children were one of those "we'll choose one for you!" items), and not being able to see myself filling it all out. Especially the books that were all, like, "You took your first precious step on _______" and "A lock of baby's angel hair."
Best "Finding out you are pregnant story" EVER.
Ha! I especially love the part about being a good soldier despite being drafted. Awesome.
Oh, this is why I love your stories.
My favorite parts: about the "f'ing baby books," and the brilliant military reference at the end.
Brilliant, I say.
I'm with Swistle...TEN WEEKS? I couldn't last ten minutes without feeling lousy...for NINE (TEN) MONTHS. The very reason that I am not willing to re-enlist.
Good Story! AD will love hearing it one day. :)
This is a fantastic story. I love it and thanks for sharing it. I also love that you didn't go back to read the answer key on the test. Every time I've taken a pregnancy test, I've check and doubled checked and TRIPLE CHECKED just to make sure. Also, the way you talk about BR becoming a Dad makes my throat feel all tight. Awesome.
I think that's an awesome story to paste into the baby book. Also, a slot machine pregnancy test would be the best ever, just like that Simpson's episode where the Kwiky mart guy's wife was trying...you know, "Lemon, lemon...pirate!"
Anyway. how's that for too long and totally random?
This is an awesome story. I'd much rather find out my parents were wacky and hilarious than mushy and sentimental.
Post a Comment