Storytime (Not Library Safe)

I loved the post that Jess did last week for her Tuesday Retrospective feature. Is there anything better than a good Blast From the Past, particularly if it's completely mortifying? No. No, there is not.

You may be asking yourself, "Self, I wonder if Tessie has any stories which showcase her stunning incompetence in a variety of situations?". The answer, of course, is certainly not. I have things well in hand, as always.

Okay, that was a particularly egregious lie (You: NO SHIT?) Actually, I have so many Unfortunate Instances that I am generously allowing you to Choose Your Own Adventure! Would you like to hear about:

1) My very first seventh grade dance, complete with popular Tunes of the Day?
2) The time I drove on a donut spare tire for THREE WEEKS in college, and what I had to do to get it changed?
3) This one time when I attended a Halloween Frat Party (SEASONAL! With bonus drunken shenanigans!)?

What'll it be? Awkward, Poor Decisionmaking I, or Poor Decisionmaking II?

Fall TV: Runoff Version

Okay, our DVR is squeaky clean thanks to another weekend of hellish weather (if this global warming shit pans out, we are SO OUT OF HERE). Well, except for a few episodes of Cops and that World Trade Center movie (BR is a total Debbie Downer and if he wants to watch that shit it will have to be AFTER my imminent death from heatrage)(Heatrage is like heatstroke, except with beer IVs instead of saline).

Anyway, here's the runoff:

Reaper:
Tessie says: I started out liking this, but then by the end of the second episode I sort of...didn't. I can't put my finger exactly on it. I think I might be too...LAME for this show.
BR says: Stepped outside during a commercial fastforward without saying a word, and then just...didn't come back in. Even after I sat there for like 5 FUCKING MINUTES with the DVR paused, politely awaiting his return. (Tessie rebuttal: WHO DOES THAT?)

Pushing Daisies:
Tessie says: Missed the first episode, but caught the second. Has a definite Tim Burton feel. I liked it enough to keep watching, even though I keep getting all these afterlifey shows confused. Not as silly as Reaper.
BR says: Not a whole lot, although he at least refrained from making a mysterious wordless exit, NEVER TO RETURN. (Seriously, I told him the next time he pulls that shit, I'm going to have to assume he's been transported to the year 1985)

Bionic Woman:
Tessie says: Tessie wouldn't know jack shit about this show, since her lead-thumbed husband DELETED IT BEFORE SHE COULD WATCH IT. This was in blatant violation of Code A, Subsection I of his prenuptial agreement. On the plus side, I think I am now entitled to his entire empi-ah.
BR says: Claims to like it. I don't know, I sort of left my body after that whole premature deleting thing.

Big Bang Theory:
Tessie says: I really liked this one; I love a good nerdy character. Nothing especially different about it, other than the constant nerdy references, which are AWESOME. The whiteboards with equations! The video games! The conversations about "saving it for your BLOG"!
BR says: WHATEVAH. Doesn't like to revel in his nerdiness, even though my boy's wicked smaht. It's against the BAHston Code of Cool.

As always, I welcome, nay DEMAND your comments.

A Review of New Fall TV, By Tessie And BR

Hey, are you in any way interested in what BR and I are watching on TV? Oh dear. Well, this is going to be awkward, then.

I'm a little squirrelly because what I'd really like to do is insert a spreadsheet here so I would have the appropriate column headers and tabbing ability and PivotTable options, but we will have to do it Flintstones style, I guess. Perhaps you can export to Excel in your mind, if you are so inclined.

Journeyman
Tessie says: Loved it. I loved Kevin McKidd in Rome, and I love him here too. The blast from the past stuff is always cool, what with the old school music, and the brick cell phones and what-not. Good backstory with his current/former loves.
BR says: It's OK. Demands to know logistics behind time travel (??!!) (Tessie rebuttal: concerned look)

Chuck
Tessie says: Really liked the first episode, was less pumped about the second. I love a good dorky character so it's right up my alley.
BR says: As a former Best Buy employee, loves the play on Best Buy/Geek Squad. Miffed by absence of BR-esque TV department employee selling customers with comments on "wicked shoddy pic-shah quality".

Private Practice
Tessie says: It's OK. I find the Addison character more irritating in this setting, for some reason. Love the pediatrician character, but that's about it. Features storylines about babies that are virtually unwatchable, if you are me.
BR says: Way bett-ah than Grey's Anatomy, which he claims "jumped the sh-ahk" with the whole treating the deer storyline. (Tessie rebuttal: way better is a little strong, if not FALSE. They're both hovering over the shark if you ask me)

Dirty Sexy Money
Tessie says: I really liked this. I loved Peter Krause in Six Feet Under. The characters are over the top, but it had an Arrested Development vibe to me (a show I loved). Except with some possible interesting drama.
BR says: "That dude is the same charac-tah in every show!" (Tessie rebuttal: WHAT THE FUCK?)

Back to You
Tessie says: Now THAT dude is the same character in every show. Boring, predictable, and blah. I wanted to like it, but it was a no-go.
BR says: This shit is wicked dumb. Banished to the JV squad (bedroom DV-AH) after first episode.

Survivor-China
I KNOW, okay, and I'll thank you to SHUT IT. We can't stop now, after season FIFTEEN or whatever! How will we know who to cheer for on the next All-Stars season?

What did you guys think? I'll do more if I've forgotten any, which I surely have.

Unexcused Absence

So, I couldn't come to the blog yesterday because I've lost my zest for life due to 95 degree temperatures IN OCTOBER, and also because AD got tubes put in her ears.

Cons: Had to get up at 5 am, doctor insisted we call him "Chad", BR insisted on lengthy discussion of whether or not we should allow a blood transfusion if necessary (as it so commonly is in the case of EAR TUBE SURGERY)

Pros: Did you know that they make those assless hospital gowns FOR BABIES?

She didn't need a wheelchair or anything, BR saw it in the corner and was like "Hon! Get a pic-shah of this for her book!" (not pictured: stern disapproving looks from nurses). Also, she DESPERATELY wanted to forage through that medical waste container. Even I had to draw the line at that one.Even the Dogfather temporarily lifted his usual no-contact rule:

So she pretty much milked it.

Also, it's a good thing Swistle linked me in her (awesome) discussion about weight and The Policy while I was gone! That way some percentage of her thousands of loyal fans could be assaulted by the fact that I see my coworkers naked! You're welcome, link-followers! Bet you won't try that again!

P.S.-Check out the discussion and add your own comments, if you haven't already!

Again With The Confessions of a *BARF* Lunch Worker-Outer

You know what is weird about exercising at your Place of Business? EVERYTHING! People, it is not unusual for me to buddy up to someone at a meeting, and then 2 hours later see her NAKED IN THE LOCKER ROOM, avoiding eye contact as if we have never met! I am routinely treated to the sight of a Very Important Boss in the knee-high socks and shorts of inappropriate length that he wears to play basketball! It's a real-world version of that "picture the crowd in their underwear" coping mechanism! With awkwardness and shifty eye movements. It's an Emmy-winning episode of The Office just waiting to be written.

Whenever I get new employees, they express appropriate concern over this weirdness and they are right! It is fucking insane and I think we can all agree on that in theory! But, I always assure them that you get used to it, and sadly, that is also true. It is a true testament to the resiliency of the human spirit. Either that, or the free spin classes and hot tub.

On the plus side, it does makes you rethink whether or not you REALLY want to start wearing your Christmas-themed underwear just yet.

Results Not Typical

Well, you are all a bunch of healthy-eating mofos. I hope I didn't in any way imply that I am some kind of virtuous eater. Because that would be funny and also...horribly, horribly misleading, if not DEAD WRONG. A short list of Unfortunate Food Choices that I make on a regular basis:

• I drink pickle and olive juice. I can eat a whole jar of pickles in one sitting, no problem
• My favorite food is Totinos Party Pizza (Hamburger)
• I also love snapping into the occasional Slim Jim
• We order a Pepperoni Lovers Stuffed Crust Pizza about once a week
• I drink about 4 cups of coffee a day
• I drink pop too!
• And beer!
• God, there are SO many more. They are popping into my head like little gophers now. I will spare you.

Which leads me to our next order of business: delicious snacks (sorry, health-kickers):

CHEESEBURGER DIP

½ lb. ground beef
1 lb. Velveeta, cubed
2 Tbsp. prepared mustard
2 Tbsp. ketchup
Chopped dill pickles
Chopped onions
Chopped tomatoes

Brown meat in a skillet; drain. Reduce heat to low or put meat in a crockpot. Add cheese, mustard, ketchup and pickles/onions/tomatoes. Stir until cheese is melted. Serve with french fries or chips (I'd do the fries if I were you).

*****

GARLIC PATE

2 whole heads (not cloves) garlic
1 lb. Block mozzarella cheese
2-3 Tbsp. olive oil

Wrap each whole garlic (paper and all) in double sheets of aluminum foil and roast at 300 degrees for 40-45 minutes. Allow to cool. Squeeze out each individual clove of garlic and puree in a food processor until creamy. Cut room temperature mozzarella into small squares and add to processor a couple at a time. Add oil as mixture become too thick to process. When all ingredients are incorporated, puree mixture until smooth. Serve with crackers or thin sliced toasted French bread.

What, fries dipped in Velveeta and 1-lb blocks of cheese aren't part of your healthy diet? Yeah, me neither *looks appropriately shameful*. I was actually just kidding about this entire entry (no, I wasn't) (also not kidding about the fries with the cheeseburger dip)(I like crinkle cut-holds more dip).

You Would Probably Like to Health Kick My Ass

I love reading about people's efforts to be healthy, whatever that means to them. I find it motivational, and interesting, and bonding in a "we're all in this together" sort of way. Most of us have SOME area of our health that we would like to improve or work on. I also find it FUNNY, since this is one topic about which most people have a sense of humor. Some of the funniest blog posts I have read have been about diet, or exercise, or stress relief, or quitting smoking, or whatever.

My love for a good health kick is a little ironic since I have a Policy about talking about weight: I don't do it. I love talking about food (though not really nutrition), and especially exercise, but not as they relate to weight. Obnoxious Level: CODE RED.

So, are you on a health kick? Tell me about it! I will totally leave you a comment in which I completely ignore your weight issues, if any!

*****

Speaking of Policies, I had a great professor in college who taught us that a great, diplomatic, and non-hurtful way to say no (something I Emphatically Suck at) is The Policy. For example, if someone from work or church or whatever is trying to get you to sign up for Amway, you say "Oh, I'm sorry. My family has a Policy that we never make business arrangements with people we know.". It's out of your hands! Blame the policy! If you were my twin brother I would say the same thing! Neighbor selling something door-to-door? You have A Policy. Buh. Bye.