Hey! You know who could use some good ju-ju, such as the type that might result from Paying It Forward? ME! THAT'S WHO! I'm a fucking mess over here!
So. Let's do this Pay It Forward thing, shall we? Do we have to CHIT-CHAT about it? Is this the only blog you people READ? If so, you've certainly had some free time on your hands lately, eh?
Anyway. Executive Summary. You leave a comment on this post by this Friday. I pick one of you, maybe randomly, maybe based on an elaborate system of FAVORITISM, how the hell will you know? I'm in charge here! Then. I send you a present. Maybe an "I Wish I Were Dead" mug. Who knows. You never can tell with me. Man, I make this sound GOOD, don't I?
After that, in theory you Pay It Forward by doing the same thing. I mean, if you want to. I'm not the boss of you.
Don't you roll your eyes at me, either, you jaded bastards! You will enter my contest and YOU WILL LIKE IT! Throw me a fricking BONE here!
Here is the theme I have carefully selected for your comments: What's My Deal?
My sister used to play a game in public places called "What's Their Deal?". You know, she would just watch people and try to figure out what was going on with them. Always hilarious and good for a little pick-me-up.
Many of you have guessed that something, or some combination of things, is/are up with me. So, I want to hear YOUR hilarious and thought-provoking guesses. If you already know, just be creative, for gods sake!
What's my deal?
Your Hero
The International Symbol for "Texas"
About Me
- Tess
- Tess is a recently divorced single mom living thousands of miles from her family and friends. So she's got that going for her, which is nice. Email her at trueishstory AT gmail DOT com.
126 comments:
I believe you are taking the reins of life and renaming yourself MISTRESS OF YOUR OWN DESTINY. But you gotta share that title with me. 'Cause my MySpace says so. And we're like peas, pod, you know.
You know, when I go from looking at the color of your blog to looking at the color of my blog, my blog looks REALLY REALLY UGLY.
I think your deal is that it is too frickin hot to live in Texas in the summertime. And that you haven't had enough contests. And that you need a blog-related Facebook account so we can be Facebook friends!
You are coming to terms with a second pregnancy: How will I manage another child in this godless wasteland? How will I find the ability to love another child when I have lavished my store of love on AD? How will I summon up ANY semblance of concern/involvement for yet another round of Seasonal Cookies for Child #2?
ETC.
You're pregnant and you're flipping right the fuck out about it. ~Laura
Apparently we all think you're pregnant. that was totally my guess as well! Or...you're just really hot from the Texas summer.
your deal: you're having Seasonal Cookie Affective Disorder. it's caused by being forced to buy Seasonal Cookies that do not adequately correspond to seasons, like maybe "cruise season for toddlers." it can be cured by gleefully showing up with totally inappropriate baked goods next time, like Scream Mask cookies for Labor Day.
Let's see. You know it's summer, and you remember the good old days of being a kid (or a college student) and having no responsibilties (except maybe buying the beer) and you're cooped up in an office all day long and it's bringing you down. Or it is the fact that it is hot as hades here in Texas.
Yep. You're pregnant (and I'm not! na na na na boo boo...just sayin'). It'll be okay, though. Two is not a big deal!
WTF??? Did I miss the memo that says you're pregnant? Holy Hell, Tess!
I was going to say your deal is that you're an Emotional Cripple. But shit, if you're knock up, that takes it to a whole new level.
Uh. Texas is finally MESSING BACK, baby.
Or. Like everyone else says.
You're k to the nockedup.
Either way?
Peace OUT.
So you are totally knocked up right? And it’s not the same nonchalant “whatev” experience that it was before? Either that or you’ve given up greasy food and beer and you weren’t prepared for the after effects.
I don’t fucking know, Tessie. Just pick me.
Its 5,000 fucking degrees in Texas ... and maybe you're pregnant. The weather alone is enough to transform some people.
The good news, if you are preggo, is that you won't be nine months pregnant and dealing with this shit Texas summer. Poor planning on my part!
Fetch.
My guess: Per predictions, you have gone blind from the LASIK.
i was told there'd be no tests.
Saly just cracked me up.
Ok, focus. Pregnant...with *twins.*
Random coworkers making inappropriate comments about new aeropostale jeans at copy machine?
Anonymous's comment that you are blind is the best suggestion I have read so far.
My guess with what is up = job frustration. Option #2: you don't like people you know reading your blog, which is my problem since my husband decided to tell everyone he works with about my blog and I don't want them to read it. Which is why I told H not to tell people about my blog but he doesn't listen to me.
Maybe marital problems? Oh wait that's me!
I was going to guess family drama but that would be me PROJECTING since I'm flipping the flip out on everyone in my family. I need to win something . . . and I totally don't think you're pregnant
Bad tex-mex, resulting in hideously embarrassing sprints for the restroom? (maybe that's me)
I'm going to go with you're not knocked up but you want to be and it's throwing you for a loop.
What's up with you? I think you've inhaled too much second-hand Aqua Net hairspray and are tired of trying to look over the Texas ladies' tall hair at the movie theater. YOU HAVE HAD IT.
You've decided to join a nudist colony as a way to combat the heat and staunch conservatism of Texas.
You just have too damn much rad-ass-funny-ness in you to not _____ (insert your own ending)
You just have too damn much rad-ass-funny-ness in you to not _____ (insert your own ending)
You've not seen me since April and you are having withdrawals??? That's my guess! :-)
Regardless of what has you in a funk, come to London and we'll share a few bottles of wine at one of the various pubs around my flat and amazingly, evertyhing will become better!!!
I am leaving this comment under PROTEST because I know what your deal is and am thus disqualified from guessing and that is totally UNFAIR. You are discriminating against me. I give and give and GIVE to you.
Dear Tessie, you are suffering from the atmosphere in which you live. Get thee out of the state of Texas and you will be right as rain.
Also, I don't think you're knocked up, I think that BR is having a midlife crisis (with the LASIK man!) and his midlife crisis is probably making you question your raison d'etre as an accountant because deep down you know you're way too cool to be an accountant but you're probably worried that by now you're too old to change to a flashier career like managing a bowling alley, or becoming an ice dancer, or a Fashionista.
Or I could be over-thinking this whole "What's my Deal" thing. I seriously have just blamed the heat and dude, you live in Texas...I've been to Texas, it's not pleasant. It's all big hair and hot weather and the people have a whole relationship with MEAT that I cannot understand--why people live there voluntarily I do not know.
Mary's outfits have sucked out your will to live. In retribution, you hop on a plane to LA to visit a taping of SYTYCD. Once there, you storm the judges table and hold Mary down while fending off crazy Uncle Nigel with a spin kick dance move you picked up from watching the show. Quietly, you hiss, "get a new stylist." Then you nonchalantly saunter out, as none of the security guards wants to touch that crazy with a ten foot pole. Life is pretty boring after that adventure, IMO.
I love this game!
I NEED, in a big fucking way, that "I Wish I Were Dead" mug. I ALMOST ordered it a couple of days ago, but the shipping was more than the mug, which made me think of just how I would explain to my husband that my NEED overshadowed COMMON SENSE. I couldn't think of an explanation that would make sense to a MAN, so I didn't order it. So that's MY deal.
Oh, wait. We're guessing YOUR deal. Alright, even though I think this should be all about ME. I've got to go with Alice and the seasonal cookie affective disorder. I think that's the most creative guess, so I'm totally stealing it. Or you're pregnant, but I don't really see you freaking out over that since you seem to handle the whole mom thing with AD pretty well.
Your deal is the puking that comes with the positive line on the pregnancy test.
I think you're just in a slump due to hell-like conditions of Te-has weather, raising a toddler (also could be hell-like conditions), and missing your fam.
Either that or the devil hormones of pg.
Whatever - we all miss you and your smart-ass ways. Hurry up and get the fuck over it already!
First of all, Fiona Picklebottom just might be the best name in the history of the universe.
Second of all, Tessie, my first reaction when I read this post was "PREGNANT", but since everyone else has said it, now it just seems boring. So, now, for something completely different.
Your problem is that a band of rogue but charmingly united muskrats have broken into your house and taken up residence, picketing the severe lack of aerosol hair products in your bathroom as well as that wretched smelling rose air freshener, because jaysus, but it smells like Grandma Maude's house in here. Also, they would like to know why, WHY you no longer have a decent stock of Twinkies in the joint, and you're a bit concerned because A.D. has taken a liking to them and they're teaching her how to play the banjo and paint her toenails, and, well, you're just not sure you're ready for that.
So. How close am I?
So um, new reader, but also in Texas. Dude it is so freakin hot, I drip walking into the grocery store. I think that's OUR deal.
Bah, I say work crap. Or having to DO work crap in the SUMMER which we all know is meant to be spent sumberged to your waist in cool water drinking adult beverages.
Did you suffer a running injury and you are having withdrawals?
What is your deal? I assumed you were just still upset about losing your phone in the pool and having to get a new phone that you can't quite figure out.
Then some general existential angst, like how you hate your fucking job and AD is getting to be more rude and annoying and you are stuck in fucking Texas and therefore you are questioning nearly everything about your life.
No? That's just me? Oh. Hmm.
I wouldn't have originally guessed the + HPT, but I did have some serious conceiver's remorse when I got pregnant the second time. I didn't get over it until the day I gave birth, seriously. So if that is it, rest assured that it'll be okay.
My deepest sympathies on living in Texas.
I'm jumping on the pregnancy bandwagon. That's some scary (and amazing) stuff.
If you're picking a winner based on creativity, I'm certainly not going to be seeing a Tessie package anytime soon.
At first I thought you meant, What’s MY Deal…but, I see that you mean, YOUR deal.
So, here’s the deal. You are entangled in a torrid affair, hence you cannot concentrate, you had to take a quick trip with AD, (no mention of BR) and you forgot about your losers, I mean readers, like us. SNAP OUTTA IT Damn IT!
I apologize if I have offended you, and made your tummy nervous, perhaps I was swept away with the Post-that-shall-not-be-named. (now deleted)
Okay, here's my guess. One of you has been offered a promotion. One that will require you all to move out of Texas. And the thought of not being able to Mess with Texas any longer has you questioning if you really want to move.
Okay or maybe you are just pregnant.
HA HA HA about the muskrats. That was totally my first guess. After the pregnant thing like everybody else.
How about this? Your deal is that you have recently seen a bunch of bigshots at work nekkid due to the whole lunch workout thing, and now you can't get anything done because the nasty images are burned into your brain.
I DON'T KNOW. Christ. But now you have to tell us. Because you are always so thoughtful when I post about MY DEAL and I can't RETURN THE FAVOR if I don't know what the f is going on!
We are the greediest MF'rs in this whole blog world. How long do we have to wait to find out if: A) you are pregnant B) You are moving or C) you have been fired because you work out on your lunch hour and come back tired and full of sweat and wearing blue cotton (a sweat magnet, that damn blue cotton)
How long, huh? JUST give it to us, we can take it, OH, hell, we are so pathetic and shamefull, all of us! NOnsense....please don't make us wait.
That dude who used to be your bf wrote you another email professing undying love for you and you are totally wigged out by this (I would be!)
OR the Texas sun/heat/weather has finally addled your brain and you have no idea how to sarcastic any more. That and you suddenly realized you were using the word 'y'all' to people in the right form and context which is the straw that broke the camel's back.
PS: I cannot lie. I secretly thought pregnancy too...
Hmmm...you are pining for the huge open expanses of Canada and can not deal with the unnatural heat of Texas any longer.
I say you are pregnant. Although the Texas heat is certainly addling my brain so that could definitely be the problem as well.
Your deal is being prego IN texas....
I think Tessie's lack of a denial in the comments section about being pregnant is as good as an announcement! =)
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
...........just
....tell
..us ....please.
gasp.
STOP, DON’T MOVE!
Heal.THY.Self!
(I just slapped you real loud in the forehead, you may fall backwards now.)
Tessie, I'm going with the ever original guess of it being something pregnancy related: you ARE pregnant and not have the "oh shit what did we do?" train of thought, or you WANT to be pregnant and you are NOT, or you WERE pregnant and something sad happened, OR you are pregnant and just found out you were carrying Tom Cruise's alien spawn....
Are you still in MN?
ooops, I meant to say "noW having the "oh, shit" "....
You just found out you have been chosen to move to mars.
Yes, I too must admit that the whole pregnancy thought was the first thing that occured to me.
You have some frickin' hilarious readers out there by the way. I just can't even compete with that kind of thought and/or humor.
I'm now thinking that you really don't know what the hell your deal is, but you are surely in a funk. You are hoping that your readers will shed some light on the situation. Or at least crack you up enough to take your mind off it.
Don't send the mug to me because that would require I actually update my blog and have to think of a reason to Pay It Forward.
Wishing you well!
You're not behaving normally? I hadn't noticed.
You're considering throwing a theme party at your daughter's day care. You are having difficulty deciding between "Bring Cookies Decorated As Your Favorite X-Files Monster" and "You Shook Me All Night Long" as the themes.
You have been slaving in the kitchen to come up with the best spam recipe to enter in the (insert small county in Minnesota here) county fair but have become disillusioned with the whole process. You thought all of the great info you learned from watching "Good Eats" would inspire you but instead it just left you with nervous tummy. :)
I think it is kind of horrible, trying to guess what the deal is, because pregnancy also came to my mind, but in trying to think of something else I can only concoct horrible scenarios and I'm not having any fun thinking of bad things that have either happened or are about to happen to you.
So my official guess is that you, like me, are still pissed that they ruined SweetTarts by adding that damn blue flavor.
Well I hope it's nothing bad, but I hate to trot out the pregnant idea YET AGAIN. So I'm gonna guess... Marriage troubles? Or family drama of some sort, possibly related to your recent visit?
To be clear, though: I WANT it to be a pregnancy.
I'm going to steal Swistle's guess and say that your issue is the freaking hot weather.
Miserable.
3 words: Pregnant in Texas.
You poor, miserable bastard!
Cheers and Chin up and all, girl! We've only just met and here go getting funky (NOT phunky).
Pregnant. Totally pregnant.
Or just hot and miserable and sick of all of us.
62 freaking comments...impressive. I love that you remember that I spent countless hours of my college experience playing "What's Your Deal". The best game ever. The funniest material can be found at the airport...if anyone is interested.
You're A)too hot
B) Not eating enough brownies
:)
My condolences on the perforated colon. Because that is totally what is wrong, you are walking around hot as hell Texas pooping your Aeropostale jeans and avoiding any snack food that might contain Olestra lest you pee out of your boo-boo'ed bum bum. BECAUSE WHY THE HELL ELSE WOULD YOU NOT POST? I MISS THE DAILY TESSIE!
I have no fucking idea. Wait. Is MY HUSBAND PISSING YOU OFF? Because he is pissing ME off, and maybe he pissed you off by osmosis.
NO CLUE! But, if it is that you are pregnant, you can rest assured that that prospect never crossed my mind. My guess is something work-related, like being passed over for a promotion or something. At any rate, hope you're feeling better soon!
You are being punished for sins of a past life and have been cursed with sextuplets...just like the Gosselins of John and Kate Plus Eight?
Ooo, you just realized that you ate one of those tomatoes that's been recalled. And it's already too late!
You're a blogger. 'Nuff said.
you were thinking of training for a marathon and... well now you can't.
Even before I read all the comments, I thought: PREGNANT! And that's made your Nervous Tummy go into overdrive with nervousness and squirminess and general nausea, which, combined with Texas heat, is generally making you lose your mind and fade away to a shadow thanks to not being able to eat any of your fave foods.
I got nothing.
I KNOW! I know what your deal is!
It's that you have not yet discovered the awesome reality show Workout, on Bravo. It's AWESOME. Totally addictive. Somewhat (okay, totally) hateful personalities on beautiful people that hang out in a gym all freaking day and make it look so fun I could vomit. Please watch. PLEASE. It just might snap you right out of it.
As testament to this, I have started doing SITUPS everyday. EVERYDAY. Because of this annoying but awesomely addictive show.
You'd love it.
The end.
You signed up for more seasonal cookies for July 11th and you can't figure out what holiday it is. You are stumped!
I didn't even THINK pregnant until 27,000 other comments drilled it into my head so now I wonder? My first thought was you got caught by the fake hispanic in an affair with the old boyfriend after he discovered your blog. That's about as creative as I can get... SO when do we get the answer?
I am a firm believer in Pay it Foward, it will definitely lift your spirits!
PS - You people are killing me with the Texas = Hell on Earth!
You know, she really isn't denying it. She must be pregnant. Does this mean we get to talk baby names?
You're dealing with borderline personality disorder? Just kiddin'...I think you're pregnant, too.
Like the other kagillion people, I guess knocked up. Because what else would a bunch of women guess when polled?
Alice's answer is awesome.
But yeah, pregnant is my guess too. Which is weak on my part.
47 straight days of 100 degree weather....gaaaaahhhhhhh. (Austin!)
Pregnant or not, everyone in Texas is entitled to act *crazy*
mixette
I think you're tired fo the heat, tired of being pregnant... hell.. yer just TIRED girl.
Sorry, it's getting late, I'm not feeling witty or funny.
Your deal is that you are pissy you have not been successful in your attempts to be on So You Think You Can Dance.
You're pregnant, obviously. The internet can't be wrong. And you're having septuplets. Is that even a number? Well, good luck with them all!
Your deal? No idea, but I recommend treating it with chocolate.
I think your deal has everything to do with the fact that you live in Texas. But I'm partial to MN.
I like aibee's idea though - whatever it is can be fixed with chocolate...and ice cream.
-Becky
You are training for a marathon!
Oooh, I know! You just found out that you and BR are blood-related... and now you're torn between being with the man you love and the backlash of being married to your cousin. I got it, didn't I?!?
(Pregnant? Pish posh, anyone could have guessed that... but it takes real genius to come up with married to a cousin, I tell ya!)
Ok, I didn't really think you were pregnant before, but after reading all the comments, now I kind of do. I get a big 0 for originality, I know...
You killed BR when he was being much too Fussypantsy, and now you need a alibi and a place to hide the body.
You got asked to be the CFO of your company and you know based on the class you took earlier you don't have the requisite personality profile but you don't know how to break it to the company b/c they really want you!
Everyone seems to think you are pregnant. And while that would be absolutely fan-freaking-tastic and all, I'm going to go out on a limb...
Clive Owen just called to tell you that he loves you and only you. He wants to wisk you away to a live of shopping and hot steamy nights.
This is my first time stopping by your blog, courtesy of Swistle, but I'm already inclined to think that your deal is that you have a lot of smart ass friends who you have to remain friends with because they have too much dirt on you for you to turn them loose!!
How's that for a newbie guess?
It is too hot in Texas.
Buy one get one free.
you suddenly want to talk about your FEELINGS all.the.TIME & you're totally freaked out by your new-found lack of emotional crippled-ness. so much so that you'd like to write a big, long post right this minute about how you feel all warm & fuzzy inside after discovering your faithful blog readers love you SO MUCH they couldn't stop themselves from commenting about WHAT YOUR BLOODY DEAL IS...
Okay, seriously, Tessie, I am dying over here.
DYING.
...Dying without you.
Where are yoooouuuuu?
Like everybody else, my first thought was "pregnant" and my second was "it's three shades hotter than hell in Texas." Or...it could be just the weight of the everyday is-this-what-my-life-is-going-to-be-like?
Now seems like a good time to come out of Lurkerdom (?!) and introduce myself. Stephanie (of the "Seriously?!" blog) sent me a link to your blog one day, "in case I got bored or whatever." That was 9/13/07. I have been reading it almost every day since. How creepy is that?! Anyway, I can relate to the toddler stories and I think that IRL I could have some beers w/you and laugh my arse off. Yours is the only blog I read besides Stephanie's, so I don't know that I can do the whole "pay it forward" thing in Internet Land. I can try it the old-fashioned way, though. As far as What's Your Deal goes... I dunno. You see to have your sh*t together so I can't imagine it's anything you can't shake with a few tequila shots or a night out with the girls (preferably both at once). I hope it's short-lived, and in the meantime, thanks for making me laugh. :) -Becky (of CT)
P.S. sorry there is no attached profile to read, or pics or what-have-you - Besides the Parenting board on The Nest, I don't hang out on here much. I'm a hs teacher so I keep a low profile, heh heh.
Oops - I guess if you ARE pregnant, tequila shots probably aren't in the works. Yeah, I'd be upset, too.
But now you have 100 responses! Yay!
Is it pathetic that I've checked this blog 19 times today to see if you've posted?!?!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!
COME
BACK
you're bringing sexy back? prego style?
You just found my blog and love reading it so much that it's affecting your daily life? Cuz, yeah, then you have issues.
You're in Texas. Isn't that deal enough???
a funny southern accent?
The fast that the southwest went from summer to HELL in record time this year?
OMG, this is only my third time here (what? those three times were three hour stints when I decided to take a break from staring into space, MY BRETHREN!) and yet it's obvious to me that you're funked out trying to decide which bear is best (see: Dwight). Does your hair hurt? Good luck.
My first guess was that you're pregnant. (Yay, hilarious pregnancy posts on the way!)
Then I thought maybe you're changing your job - always stressful (but not that exciting).
And THEN I thought that maybe your beautiful swimming pool becamse infested with some sort of Texas bug and so now you're stuck in TX weather with no aqua relief in the backyard.
WHEN do we find out?!
JEEZ, I come back from vaca and there's all this blog WORK waiting for me. Contests I have to enter, "DEALs" I have to guess...? WTH?
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess... you're NOT pregnant. And mad about it.
(DUDE, I don't KNOW.)
Your deal is that your daughter has decided that the Wiggles are the be-all and end-all of toddler entertainment and insists on watching the same wiggly DVD over and over and over and over and over and over?
Texas is hot. That would be hard for anyone to deal with.
Tell us, tell us, WHAT'S YOUR DEAL? I'm neither witty nor clever, so I won't even guess after all your kick -a responses. I am, however, CURIOUS!
Whatever your deal is, I hope it is a happy deal and not a sad or difficult deal and especially not a sad or difficult family related deal because those are the worst. I'm hoping you come back and tell us that you won the lottery or some such.
Um, you have a rash, yep that's it.
I think your deal is that you are living in Texas. This in and of itself could be a symptom of something much more serious.
you are obviously pregnant
You met whatever guy it was you think is so hot on SYTYCD when you went to the family reunion, but he was part of the family, and now you can't decide whether or not to go through with having an imbred love child.
Speaking of which, did you ever see the PBS special on Jesco the dancing outlaw? He is a tap dancing hillbilly in W Virginia. It is must see TV.
I think it is your MOM that is pregnant!
I think it's that you are preggers and it is hotter-than-the-hammered-down-hinges-of-hell!
Nice to meetcha!
Your deal is that the zombies got you (from the previous post in the Group Effort list).
No seriously, I'm guessing that your sick and tired of all the little people in the world and you just want them to go away!
Food poisoning, mixed with alcohol poisoning, mixed with sun poisoning. Sucks to be you.
I love these guesses, but I totally call dibbs on the pregnancy guess 'cause I said way the hell back when. LOL!
You're deal is you're frickin awesome!
TX has fried your brain
Long time lurker finally leaving a comment- for a prize, of course!
I was so psyched to see your comment on our blog (for a prize, of course!).
I'm going with the pregnancy. Why not? :)
Your deal is that you have 5 pounds left to lose and you can't stop staring at those delicious cookies that your friend brought over.
pancreas ache?
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