My company is all rah-rah with the health kick shit. We have an onsite fitness center and an outdoor track and a worksite wellness program and all that jazz. Anyway, today was the annual Biometric Screening, where they take your blood and do a lipid profile (cholesterol and trigylcerides and so on). They also do height/weight and waist/hip ratio. You get the idea. It's like a mini-checkup. The sad thing is that when my results came back fine, instead of feeling motivated and recommitting to stay the course re: exercise, my first thought was: I am totally having nachos and beer tonight during LOST.
Jesus H. I will have a massive coronary or die trying, that is for sure.
So, after I got my results, I had to enter them into a "wellness assessment" on our company website. Where I will have you know that I was issued a "needs improvement" in the areas of Alcohol Use (5-10 drinks per week) and Dietary Fat (too much MEAT, for the love of god). Yeah, I'll get right on that. At which time we will also have to slash the "mental health" rating. You know what needs improvement, Wellness Assessment? YOUR SMUG BITCH FACE, that's what. I don't like your tone either. You know what? Step into my office. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.
Whew. Well, that was a bit defensive, now wasn't it? I'm suffering from some kind of Mood Regulation Disorder today. Or maybe it's a blood sugar issue due to all the ALCOHOL AND DIETARY FAT. Bah. I'll show you alcohol and dietary fat. Don't test me, Wellness Assessment. You mess with the drunken fatty bull, you get the horns.
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21 comments:
You drink 5-10 per week, or you need to bring it down to 5-10 per week? Because the Discovery Health shows are all supporting the 1-2 drinks per day, especially if it's red wine.
I'm with the smug bitch on the meat thing. gag.
I ANSWERED 5-10 drinks per week. I don't know why that was even an answer CHOICE, since 5 or even more drinks IS considered fine. BAH.
One reason I hate these things is that they are so frequently out of date or even completely nonsensical. I don't agree with the Dietary Fat rating either, but I'll save that rant for another time. Heh. All of you meat-avoiders harshing my MEAT BUZZ.
Thanks for the good laugh this afternoon, I sure needed it!
Did this "wellness assessment" ask whether or not you had kids, and how old they are? Frankly the older they get the more drinks you need to get through the day, because of that whole "mental health" thing. Ha!
And I'm with you, it's Nachos and Beer during Lost!
Karen, that's funny. It actually DID ask if I was raising any children under 18 in the "mental health" section. It's a "risk factor". UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR.
I hope this is voluntary? Unless your job requires low triclycerides for some reason.
I love your blog because you are on the other end of what I do all day. Was there a place in the wellness assessment for you to explain your reaction to your mini-physical? Because I think that's totally valid. Workplace wellness programs are very interested in how to avoid inadvertently incentivizing unhealthy behaviors. Seriously.
TLA-HAHA! Yes, it's voluntary. In the way that certain work shit which is very important to your boss is "voluntary". There is a financial incentive for participating also. And now I am trying to think of a job that requires low triglycerides. Hee!
Jess-No, there was no place for commentary. They do distribute a program evaluation at the end of the year, so I suppose if I kept meticulous notes I could bitch about it then. Chances: slim to none.
My opinion is that the "needs improvement" on the alcohol use thing is saying that you need to drink MORE, not LESS. Or did it specify less? Because if it didn't specify, I would SO err on the side of needing more. Have extra beer tonight with your nachos.
I thought they had special meat consumption scales in TX.
With companies investing so much in MORALE for the employees, you'd think they'd just let people be fat and happy. HA HA HA HA!!! I hate those stupid things.
What??? Seriously your work has food police? That's just too weird. And who's to say that dietary fat is bad anyway? What if you're on THAT diet, y'know, what are they going to say about that?
Just wait, another study will come out in a year that says that cocktails are just as healthy for you as red wine, which was proclaimed healthy awhile ago.
OMG, do they fire you on the spot if you smoke?
Ha ha! You know what would totally show them? TAKE UP SMOKING.
Tess, I think it was the weather, I am usually happy go lucky E and today, not so much! I was feisty! And so were most of the other girls at work!
SMUG BITCH FACE! oh tessie, you made my fucking DAY with this. and, as you know, my week sucks ass so this is a feat indeed.
I greatly enjoyed this, especially the part about wellness assessment's smug bitch face stepping into your office. :)
you're blog is way too funny, glad i found it;)
fucking blogger erased my first comment and it was the best piece of literature ever bless the internets. now it is gone. anyway...
I am with JMC, i am sure they meant more alcohol.
And Flib and I rented the first two seasons of lost two weeks ago (i had never seen it till then she had seen some of first season) and we have been using it like a crackhead uses crack. In two weeks we have watched 1500. Freebasing TV. seriously.
Damn you blogger!
"...literature ever TO bless..."
and
"...we have watched 1500 MINUTES..."
Blogger. I hate you. So very. Very. Much.
Is there a competition? Do you get vacation days if your tests prove you are the ULTIMATE AWESOME IN FITNESS?
As a mother of a child fixin' (oh yes I went there) to be 13, I totally agree with karen up there. My desire to drink rises with my desire to crush his little back talking skull.
Drunken fatty bull? You just made my day.
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