Also, he is "old" (he's 34 for chrissakes) and therefore doesn't feel like celebrating. He'd rather obsessively monitor himself for signs of his inevitable decline. People, we recently spent several minutes in the pharmacy section of Target looking at some type of over-the-counter Rogaine product. BR has a minor obsession with his "thinning" hair. If you ask him, he's BALD AS A JAYBIRD on top and will wake up any day now looking just like George Costanza. Christ. This must be male equivalent of the "I'm so FAAAT!" thing. Anyway, he's sensitive as a leeetle girl about it, so I suggest you don't mention it if you happen to notice while you have him in the cross-hairs from your perch on the roof. Or whatever. That's the only way I'm likely to notice, what with the whole 4'11" thing and all.
At any rate, I need to come up with some good shit for his card at some point today. BR likes me to get "serious" cards for major occasions. Since I'm an emotionally repressed Midwesterner, you might guess that this is not usually how I roll with card-giving. The last Mothers Day card I gave my mom said, "Mom, now that we're both mothers, it's time for you to share some of your deepest secrets with me. [open card] The boobs are never coming, are they?" AND SO ON.
Well, I DO have some nice things to say about BR, even though this barfy card thing is a total PAIN IN MY EMOTIONALLY CRIPPLED ASS. Look, BR is a great guy. I hope I've made that clear on this blog, which he knows about but does not read, as far as I know. I give him a lot of shit for his Fussypants tendencies, but if you knew about the chaotic nature of his childhood, it would make perfect sense to you. Our relationship is not easy. Neither one of us is a particularly easy person to love. We have a lot of personality differences, even though we share similar backgrounds and overall values. But he is strong where I am weak, and for that I'm thankful.
Happy birthday to my lovah!
Featuring so-called "thinning" of the hair. Seriously.
43 comments:
BR is awesome! And he doesn't have thinning hair. DOES NOT.
Also, I think your relationship is exactly like mine and Jason's. And that makes me like you that much more.
dude, you are so on about the hair being the "i'm faaaat" of manhood. they're pretty ridiculous about it.
i think karl would love it if i got all serious and emotional and shit on his cards, too. he does it and it's lovely and sweet. i can't help that i come from a repressed irish family, ok? WE DON'T TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS.
AWW! You do wuv him.
And when my husband says he doesn't "want" anything for his birthday/christmas, he's just digging for a BJ, the gift any man loves!!
TLA-Heh. It's funny you should mention that, because that's EXACTLY what he would say if I asked him what he "wanted". In fact, I actually WROTE that in place of the "snowmobile" thing at first, but then I didn't want it to sound like the BJ was TOTALLY UNATTAINABLE or anything and...oh never mind.
You have made it abundantly clear on this blog that BR is a great guy. I love you both, in a non-creepy way.
Also, that mother's day card is PURE GENIUS.
I'm not good at serious cards so I really can't help you. I'm emotionally crippled as well. will it work if you make one out of doilies? It works for 3-year-olds . . .
oh and jesus H Christ with the gifts - my husband still hasn't gotten anything for his birthday or Christmas for the last year besides socks - if you "don't care" i'm not wasting my time
Well Happy Birthday BR! You've made him sound like nothing but a terrific father, partner, person, etc. And it's obvious that you guys have fun.
I totally think that the thinning hair is the "I look fat" of the Y chromosomed. It's annoying and kind of sad really, because what can you do about thinning hair? At least a person can lose weight, but you can't really add hair, and Rogaine does not work (ask Brett).
Aaron is the same way about cards, and I am the same way you are about cards. He actually manages to find the serious cards that are nice and do not make you throw up. Whereas, I buy the kind that make you want to throw up and write jack ass shit in them.
Same thing with the hairline. Though, Aaron's is a legit concern. Baldness. It happens.
Happy Birthday, BR!!!
I love that he likes to get serious cards... that is so sweet.
A. and I don't even exchange cards!
I am so the same way with birthday cards. My husband will get such sweet cards AND write something sweet and original inside. Mine are all "Love, Emily"
Blah. I always think things will sound corny. Even talking out loud I feel silly expressing emotions.
We have a bj once a year policy. And I think I'm behind by a year or two...
David will say "I want a bag of vanilla tootsie rolls" or something equally pathetic/lame (like a super specific and hard to find silly little $5 tool). COME ON! I want a $25-$50 item that I can pick up at Target with NO MESSING AROUND. Why is that hard? Also? BUY YOUR OWN TOOLS.
OK, I hear you on the balding thing -- my husband does that, BUT he cranks it up several notches. this is what I hear on a regular basis: Steph, I'm sorry that I'm a bald, fat asshole."
He is NONE of those things, but he IS a whiny little girl. I can tell him he's not over and over and he says I'm lying. One time I just said, "Me too." HE ALMOST CRIED!
He also always says he doesn't want or need anything. He ALSO got socks for Christmas because I'm not going to kill myself finding the PERFECT gift when the perfect gift is actually a fishing boat or a bj -- neither are happenin anytime soon, brother!
Topic? Just get him one of those really sappy cards that already SAY a lot of sappy things and just sign it: "From, Tessie"
Wow good luck on the whole gift thing. I'm not the best shopper in the world so bear that in mind. When it doubt though, I go with clothes. Luckily for me the hubby is a bit of a clotheshorse so a new shirt or pants are always welcome.
And for the card, nothing says bottomless-pit-of-love like the ole I Heart You. Especially with colored pens and pencils. Picture...thousand words.... that don't actually have to be said when you draw a funny little drawing.
Serious cards?? Come on!!
Happy birthday to the :so-not-thinning-haired: BR!
skiplovey-Dude, I would LOVE to buy him clothes, but he always gets all fussy if they cost too much! ARGG! One time I bought him a $75 pair of pants from Banana Republic and he just about had an aneurism! DAMN!
Tessie, we can tell you kinda' like him, serious card or not:)
I'm no help - we don't do cards and I'M the one that says I don't need/want anything. Take him for a nice meal, bake him a cake and let him decide what you watch on TV - that would seriously be enough for me!
I think that men are secretly more romantic than women (BJ's aside), but they would never admit it publicly.
DH and I have the same gift quandry that you do. Growing up, I rarely got things I wanted, only things I needed. DH belives that Birthdays and Christmas are for things you want, not need.
If you ask me what I want, then I'll tell you I want the moon. Otherwise, I'd rather have things I need. I know. It's boring and fussypants-like.
Well, if your card sample is an illustration of emotionally crippled, then I guess I am too! I can NOT bring myself to give sappy cards to anyone.
If my husband hers of BR complaining of thinnning hair, he will kill him with his sniper-like marksmanship skills.( because his really is far into the thinning process - in fact, thinning maybe a euphemism) I am jealous that BR considers the rogaine. All rich ever does is threathen that "its just time to shave it all off!" Ugh.
How about a trip somewhere fun as a gift? A weekend away where he can rent a snowmobile at least.
Sorry I can't be of help, but I too am emotionally crippled. The last Mother's Day card I gave my mother said, "IT'S MOTHER'S DAY!!! I got you a card!!!" And on the inside it said, "This is the inside of it!!!" So, yeah, no help here. But good luck!
Happy birthday to BR! You'll have to let us know what you end up getting him.
I gave Chip a Transformers video game for the 360 last year. And (I think) a cake. I used to try for things he **asked for** (crap like BATTERIES) and then opted for things **I wanted him to have** (crap like pants and shirts with collars and buttons that he'd never wear). Then I finally succumbed and have given him gifts that you'd give a 14-year-old boy for the last couple of birthdays. It's apparently the magic recipe, or something.
M has a much bigger issue with going gray. I have made him promise to stay away from the Just For Men stuff though. They claim that "no one can tell." Yeah right--everyone can tell!!!
MBM-Oh Jesus. BR is going to be positively INSUFFERABLE when the going gray thing happens. I will have to pry the Just For Men from his cold, dead hands.
Our husbands must share some of the same chromosomes, because the whole birthday thing is the same over here. UGH TOO. Not the birthday card thing though. It sounds like I should be leaping for joy.
That clown picture with your little one, though, that's super chuckle-worthy.
You know, he doesn't have to KNOW that you didn't read the card and just picked it at random. You are making this way too hard on yourself. Go pick a pretty one, it's guaranteed to say something sweet and sappy and when he reads it aloud, smile warmly and produce a tear in your eye. Trust me, I've been doing it for about 25 years now...
PS - Just make sure you are in the BIRTHDAY section... I'm just sayin...
Kat-DUDE! We are talking about a Class Four Fussypants here! I have to read the cards and possibly even ADD MY OWN COMMENTS, because if they don't apply specifically to us he will totally call bullshit! ARGG! There is no phoning it in on the Fussypants Birthday Card.
You're screwed...
Thinning hair?! Seriously?! Wow.
I know you said you were short, but 4'11"?! I would be a she-beast next to you!!
For an emotional cripple (that's PC, right? Ah, who cares), you seem to be able to express yourself. Just use the last line--it's sweet but not saccarine.
And also, men with their thinning hair. GEEZ. Fiji is the same way and I am all, GET OVER IT, sissyface! But, at the same time, good thing he's taller. I'm going to hell.
Tilly-I've already USED that one before. SIGH. Damn these long term relationships!
34 - HAH! Mine just turned 39 on Monday. Luckily he is not insufferable about his looks or fussypants about his gifts -- HOWEVER, I totally crash and burn with his gifts every year, like this year I accidentally bought him HD DVDs and yet... (he likes to point out that) he doesn't HAVE an HD-DVD player OR an HDTV (50 inch, natch).
Birthdays are such a pain.
I have considered becoming Jewish just so I can wear a yamika, my bald spot is only visible from those above and behind me...so far.
No suggestion for cards, I prefer joke cards.
Gifts...Things people won't get themselves but think about are always good. Something I am not going to bother to check out myself is treatment options for baldness. Though mine is minor so far. Perhaps a good gift for BR could be a consult with a hair specialist of some type. I know little(nothing) about this really. It would be a chance for him to get some hair treatment options checked out with out having to-pay. (sorry, couldn't resist.)
1) I can't STAND sappy cards. The worst have POETRY, but all of them are awful. My MIL sends that kind, and I ALWAYS end up calling bullshit (behind her back, obv).
2) The clown costume really distracts from his thinning hair.
My husband provides a detailed list of expensive things- he will specify the brand, model, etc. God forbid I ever suggest something practical because he FREAKS out. And if he asks for a certain-brand cordless drill, he will then ask every day until his birthday, "When do I get to open my drill?" Like I am required and obligated to get the drill for him. And then I want to punch him in the face because I cannot stand the bossy fussypants.
PS I do love my husband, just in case that wasn't clear from my threat of physical violence.
Augh, men and their serious cards! Collin always buys the sappiest card he can find and then proceeds to profess his love for me in paragraphs! I always think signing “I love you” will suffice, but then I just feel like an ass when I read his diligently thought out message.
So sweet! Little AD in that photo is adorable too. I like that he wants a serious thoughtful card. I *always* give one to my husband and he can hardly get through it without feigning distraction because all that direct EMOTION gets him shakin' in his boots. He's from rural, central Pennsylvania and let me tell you, that place is like the Emotional Cripple Capital of the Universe.
Happy Birthday BR! I say celebrate with TEQUILA!
I think men of ALL ages like weather-related things. They make really cool indoor/outdoor thermometers/barometers with remote controls and all kinds of shit for not much money. (Oregon Scientific is a good brand for that kind of thing.)
Oh, except that may not be good for someone living in TEXAS, where the weather is the same all the time. Never mind!
Happy birthday to BR!
Also, as an emotionally repressed (hah hah right?) Montanan, I agree wholeheartedly with the mushy card bullshit. Every card I've ever given is tacky or humorously insulting, which is just the way it should be.
Happy Birthday to BR! I recommend something in the "I love you more with each passing year" vein. I've been milking that one for several years now! : )
My husband thinks cards are a waste of money, because all they do is say things you can just say out loud.
But when he HAS to purchase a card, he goes for funny. We both are fond of purchasing completely wrong cards, such as "Happy third birthday!" for my twin brother, or "You're a grandma!" for my sister's birthday. We're cool like that.
Happy birthday, BR!
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