A Leap Year Rant (Rare As Feb 29th)!

My watch says March 1 today. I tried to tinker with it and change the date so I wouldn't be SLOWLY DRIVEN INSANE for the balance of the day, but the Timex 1440 Sport Watch (retail price: $9.95) does not recognize the concept of the leap year. I ask you, just how much am I going to have to pay for a watch that does? $15? TWENTY? Jesus. I am tempted to write a strongly worded letter. TO THE INTERNETS. (Done).

******

Fucking Starbucks is On Notice with me (again) with this "skinny" business. Here's how I roll: I like to get sugar-free syrup (1 pump ONLY), but FULL-FAT milk. This simply does not compute to your average Bitchista. They hear "sugar-free" and I am immediately profiled as Calorie Counter slash Fat Avoider.

Tessie: Could I please get a Grande One-Pump Sugar-Free Hazelnut Latte?
Bitchista: That's a Grande One-Pump SKINNY Hazelnut Latte?
Tessie: *pinches bridge of nose* No. I would like whole milk, please. Just sugar-free syrup.
Bitchista: You don't want NON-FAT?
Tessie: NO, Bitchista, MD, I don't! That's why, if you recall, I did not mention the milk IN ANY WAY! I am content with the default milk setting, which last time I checked was NOT NON-FAT! [Paraphrasing here. Picture it spoken in Nervous Tummy]

I mean, how is this easier? Do they assume the non-fat people automatically want sugar-free too or is this some kind of FULL FAT DISCRIMINATION? When I order a cheeseburger meal with a Diet Coke at Wendy's, they don't assume I MEANT to order the salad! They give me my damned fat!

Fueled By Only 1 (One) Cup of Coffee

When I got here this morning, our coffee maker was on the fritz. I walked in to see 3 coworkers hovering around it, grasping their mugs in shaky hands and speaking in panicky tones:

CW1: Are you sure it's PLUGGED IN?
CW2: YES! I even brought it into the BATHROOM and tried plugging it in there!
CW3: Well, what are we going to DO? This is unprecedented! Where do we keep the Disaster Recovery Plan?
CW1: I don't KNOOOW! What time does Target open?
CW2: 8 o'clock
CW3: But it's only 7:15! I should be 3 cups in by 8 o'clock!

Can you believe that we walked over to a neighboring office building and went all Oliver Twist on them with the sad eyes and the outstretched mugs? Sad but true. Of course, I suggested Starbucks, but my coworkers kick it Old School. It's Folgers from the Mr. Coffee or nothing with them. Anyway, I recommended we buy an extra machine and keep it in the fire safe with the check stock.

*abruptsubjectchangeabruptsubjectchangeabruptsubjectchange*

I have 2 (two) degrees in Accounting. This is SO LAME. If I had put aside practicality, and my intense fear of being poor, and my requirement for hot male classmates, I think I would have gotten a degree in Food Science. Not Nutrition, but Food Science. You know, the science of food. What makes it up, where does it come from, and how do those things react to produce stuff that we eat? One of my favorite TV shows is Good Eats, since I love learning WHY things taste good, and how cooking works, and what makes a recipe come together.

If you could do it over, what degrees would you have?

Help Wanted: Eeyores Need Not Apply

You know what I hate? When you greet someone you barely know with a "Hey so-and-so! How ya doin?" and the mark responds by looking up with Eeyore Eyes, sighing deeply, and saying "Oh-KAY".

Jesus H. Christ people. The damn question was rhetorical to begin with. I didn't REALLY want to know, but now you've forced me to follow up with some kind of Fake Concern. The correct response to "How ya doin?", when asked by a random coworker, is *fake smile* "GOOD". GOT THAT?

I am irrational about this. I admit it. Honestly, I don't even like when people say "fine". JUST SAY GOOD! It doesn't have to be TRUE! Why you gotta take everyone else along for the ride, Debbie Downer?

My problem is that as an Emotional Cripple I fail to understand why people can't pull their shit together while they're at work and just Be Pleasant, for the love of god. Both of my pets could be lying dead under my desk while I was on the phone with my bankrupcy attorney, and if you walked by my office and asked "how ya doin?", I WOULD SMILE AND SAY "GOOD".

I should clarify that I'm talking about a professional setting here. I like a good mope as much as the next guy, when it's at home or on your blog. I just cannot deal with it at work. You know, where NOBODY GIVES A SHIT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR PROBLEMS. Man, I make an excellent corporate stooge, don't I? I'm going to go add "Emotional Cripple" to my resume under Skills and Qualifications.

Not Making This Up

Writing about BR's Lasah Conspiracy Theory yesterday reminded me of another one of his totally mental quirks: he also thinks that flu shots are a conspiracy, as were some if not all of the shots he received in the military. As we speak, he is languishing in some researcher's database, being studiously watched for side effects of the soylent green the army injected back in 1994 (BR rebuttal: Whatevah. We already KNOW soylent green is people. Soylent green is the LEAST of my worries). Oh, they TOLD him it was a tetanus shot, but COME ON. Only an IDIOT would believe that. People. This. Is. My. Life.

And! I have another one! This doesn't fall into the category of Vigilant Consumer Watchdog, but it's squarely in Mental. He wants to buy a set of motherfucking ENCYCLOPEDIAS. Like, PAPER ones. That cost real cash money, and take up real space, as opposed to the INTERNETS, which are, you know, cheap if not free, and downright miniature when placed hypothetically on a bookshelf. GOD. Do they even SELL encyclopedias anymore? I told him when the encyclopedia salesman comes a-knockin', he is more than welcome to invite him in. While he's at it, he can wait for the milkman, and the doctor making his housecall, and the streetlamp lighter, AND FUCKING SO ON. GAH.

I can't even transcribe a conversation here, because they all look like this:

BR: Blahblahblah wicked crazy idea
Tessie: *stunned silence*

And don't even THINK about sending me any links to encylopedia sets on ebay, you BR-loving fuckers.

The Great Lasah Hoax

Do you know what I did yesterday? No. No. (You: *irritated sigh*) That's right! I had a LASIK consultation! I've been DYING to get LASIK. I am blind as a damned bat and contacts hurt my eyes since I sit at my computer like an overeducated monkey all the livelong day. So, I've been stuck with glasses, which I had hoped would make me appear smart and plucky, ala Tina Fey, but instead have made me appear to be someone who chooses frames from the "MaryKate and Ashley" display at Wal-Mart. That's also a true story, BTW. Oh, shut up. They understand the plight of the peaheaded. Their frames are For the Peahead, By the Peahead(s).

Anyway, I am a candidate for the surgery. After my 10 minute consultation, the nurse actually had the balls to ask me if I'd like to go ahead and have the surgery THAT DAY. Um, I have been known to make the occasional impulse purchase, but, NO, THANK YOU, Ms. Hardsell, RN. I think I'll give it a moment's pause, if you don't mind. WHAT THE FUCK. Although, it may have been worth it just to hear what BR would have said. HOO BOY. Alas, he is dangerously close to a Fussypants-induced aneurysm as it is, so I held the line. As usual, when I got home he found my cross-examination skills to be grossly inadequate:

BR: How much does it cost?
Tessie: $1200 per eye.
BR: Well, how long is that price good for?
Tessie: I didn't ask that.
BR: What the hell? What if you don't get the surgery foah like 6 months? Will they honah that price then?
Tessie: I doubt it. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it
BR: OH NO WE WILL NOT. I would like to cross every single bridge I am evah likely to encountah in my life, regahdless of probability, TODAY [or whatev. Could be editorializing a little here]

BR: So how does the surgery work?
Tessie: They take a laser, and then...they lase you in the eye. Then you can see.
BR: AH YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
Tessie: I didn't get into that with her. I can look it up on the internet later, without having to talk to anyone.
BR: Well, I just don't see how a LASAH corrects the [boring Greg's-a-male-nurse description of cause of poor vision], and what is the history of the surgery? BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Tessie: Couldn't tell ya.
BR: Well, how did the office look? Was it shady?
Tessie: *Cleansing breaths* No. JESUS. It's in [rich section of affluent suburb] for chrissakes.
BR: What kind of furniture did they have?
Tessie: I have to leave the room now.
BR: Well, it makes me suspicious.
Tessie: You're right. It's probably all an elaborate hoax. He's probably curing people by WITCHCRAFT and then lasering his chin hairs for the remaining 6-8 minutes. That'll be $2400 please! Cash only in unmarked bills!
BR: I'm sensing yoah sahcasm
Tessie: That's good, because I'm laying it on pretty thick

So, have any of YOU had laser eye surgery? My general feeling is that it's nothing to go all mental and hand-wringy about. Then again, that is my general feeling about pretty much everything, so what do I know.

Let's Try It Again With Less Mania!

I should clarify a few things from my last (totally mental) post. First of all, I am clearly insane at 2:45 pm. Reading it back reminds me why I usually post in the MORNING. Cripes.

Second of all, I want to be clear that I completely support our company's wellness program, including the wellness assessments and screenings. It's a great benefit to working here, and I gratefully take advantage of it. And I also acknowledge that the programs are not really directed at me. I would still do the things I do even if I didn't get to do it on work time or receive an incentive for it. The program's value is really in encouraging the people who WOULDN'T. And I am all for that. This isn't even CYA bullshit! I mean it! I'm even on the damned committee, if you must know!

To answer a couple of questions from the comments, no, it's not mandatory. It's completely voluntary, although there is a financial incentive for participating. Also, our individual data isn't seen by the company (just the aggregate). So, The Man doesn't know that *I* drink 5-10 drinks per week, only that x number of people picked that answer. Of course, I was probably the only loser who forgot to LIE LIKE A DAMNED RUG, so maybe they DO know it was me. Anyway, it's not like my boss is taking me aside to counsel me on my health habits, or writing it on my review, or anything. The ratings and recommendations come from an outside agency to each of us individually.

My main beef with the process is that I don't agree with a lot of the health recommendations that The Man is giving out these days. This is not the fault of my company. I've written a little about this before, but the gist is that I think my "needs improvement" ratings on the Alcohol Use and the Dietary Fat are bullshit. The Dietary Fat/Meat thing is particularly troubling. I know there are a lot of meat-avoiders in the crowd, and I support that decision whole-heartedly when it's made for ethical reasons, or for reasons relating to the source of the meat. But I DON'T believe we should avoid meat because of fat, saturated or otherwise. I don't believe we should be avoiding fat PERIOD, other than trans fat or other processed fats.

Bah. I shouldn't be getting into this until I'm ready to write intelligently about it, with references. Which, of course, I'm not, since that's a lot of work.

Well! That raged totally out of control as usual. Good times. Have a good weekend! Enjoy your alcohol and saturated fat and try to forget this series of posts ever happened!

This Post Sponsored By Meat and Beer

My company is all rah-rah with the health kick shit. We have an onsite fitness center and an outdoor track and a worksite wellness program and all that jazz. Anyway, today was the annual Biometric Screening, where they take your blood and do a lipid profile (cholesterol and trigylcerides and so on). They also do height/weight and waist/hip ratio. You get the idea. It's like a mini-checkup. The sad thing is that when my results came back fine, instead of feeling motivated and recommitting to stay the course re: exercise, my first thought was: I am totally having nachos and beer tonight during LOST.

Jesus H. I will have a massive coronary or die trying, that is for sure.

So, after I got my results, I had to enter them into a "wellness assessment" on our company website. Where I will have you know that I was issued a "needs improvement" in the areas of Alcohol Use (5-10 drinks per week) and Dietary Fat (too much MEAT, for the love of god). Yeah, I'll get right on that. At which time we will also have to slash the "mental health" rating. You know what needs improvement, Wellness Assessment? YOUR SMUG BITCH FACE, that's what. I don't like your tone either. You know what? Step into my office. Why? BECAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING FIRED.

Whew. Well, that was a bit defensive, now wasn't it? I'm suffering from some kind of Mood Regulation Disorder today. Or maybe it's a blood sugar issue due to all the ALCOHOL AND DIETARY FAT. Bah. I'll show you alcohol and dietary fat. Don't test me, Wellness Assessment. You mess with the drunken fatty bull, you get the horns.