Fun Fact Friday: Still No Pictures And I'll Thank You Not To Mention It!

*In a shocking high-maintenance turn of events, I'm wearing this dress today (uh, it's not that short on ME! Picture it if her legs ended just below the knee!). This morning:
BR: Ah you wearing a DRESS?
Tessie: Looks that way, doesn't it?
BR: RETRO

*Last night I made English Muffin Pizzas for dinner (in the ghett-ooooo!)

*I have six employees who report to me at work (FRIGHTENING). They are all older than me.

*I never, ever answer my phone calls at work, unless they come through my direct line. This is because I get a ton of solicitor and recruiter calls. The call I get most often is from companies wanting us to change credit card processors. CEASE AND DESIST credit card processors!

*I've never met anyone else named Tessie before. I've met plenty of Tessas, and Tesses, and Theresas. But no Tessies.

*Tessie is my given name. Most people refuse to believe this. The name I am most commonly called incorrectly is Tessa.

*My favorite hymn is How Great Thou Art. It reminds me of my great-grandmother. Her name was Gertrude.

*Traveling with AD was actually much easier this time around. It's gotten easier and easier to travel with her the older she gets (except for the newborn stage, of course. That's the easiest).

*I always thought that I would be a baby person, but it turns out that I like each older stage better (so far).

*I'm going to a wedding in the Baton Rouge area this weekend with some girlfriends (impending wine shortage, cajuns! stock up!). Do we have any LSU alums in the house? What attractions do you recommend (we're looking especially hard at FOOD and DRINK here) if we only have one day? We won't have the kids with us if that affects your decision (it BETTER).

Picture(less) Page

Hey, you know what would be the cat's ass? If I had some PICTURES of this alleged trip to Red Sox Nation to share with all of you fine people! ARGG! Instead, they languish on the camera as usual, no good to either of us. I briefly considered trying my hand at the whole downloading thing last night (ruh-roh), but then I saw we still had a couple of beers left and that was that. Out of my hands. You guys understand.

Anyway, you are all so sweet to ask about how BR did in the race (even though this is MY blog, you BR-loving fuckers!). He finished in under 4 hours, which is a respectable time considering the difficulty of the course (high) and his level of preparation (shockingly low). Do you guys know any natural athletes whose bodies seem to regenerate ala the cheerleader on Heroes, and if so do you have an intense urge to punch them square in the nuts? Just wondering.

Speaking of punches to the nuts, guess which of these things happened on the return trip?

• Flight from Boston to La Guardia delayed TWO HOURS, all of which is spent sitting on the runway with a pissed off toddler
• La Guardia gate agent has nasty standoff with The Steamrollah featuring funny accents and pissed owahf screeching about "attitude"
• In a rare lapse of Thinking It Through Foah the Love Of Gawd, BR forgets which of the FIVE airport terminals houses our car, resulting in hour-long investigative effort ala CSI: OMFG He Would Have Shot Me Dead If I Had Done This
• Tessie declares day "the worst of her life, and that includes the day her childhood dog Sammy got run over in front of her"

So, yeah. Good times. Pretty sure we're out of beer now, so I'll get on that picture thing shortly (slash whenever).

Things I Am Behind On

• Posts in Google Reader (217)
• Emails in work inbox (102--WHY GOD WHY? Is there no respect for the out-of-office notification?)
• Loads of laundry (7)(ish)(GAH! Cannot think about this right now)
• Identification of mysterious house smells (2)
• DVR'd shows (DVR 87% full!)(Half of that fucking COPS but I digress!)
• Daily chowdah quota (bowls so far today--GIANT GOOSE EGG)

Things I am NOT Behind On:

• Ending sentences with prepositions
• Emails in personal inbox (priorities! also: despair lifter!)
• American Idol (DUH)
• Coffee drinking (GAHGAHGAH)
• Blog posting (What am I DOING?)

CHOWDAH EVE

So, tomorrow we are flying to Red Sox Nation for the marathon! Uh, I mean, the marathon is MONDAY (weird), but we are LEAVING tomorrow. You know, to soak up the cul-chah and whatnot. And by cul-chah I mean CHOWDAH. WOO! Oh, I cannot WAIT.

I am not even lying when I say that approximately HALFISH of my excitement about visiting BR's family is food-related (the rest is DRINK-related). Chowdah! Lobstah rolls! Clam strips! Sam Adams! Dunkin Donuts!

Incidentally, do you know what food BR most looks forward to having when he goes home? Steak and cheese sandwiches. Which, fine, I guess, except do you know where he likes to GET his favorite steak and cheese? D'ANGELOS! What! The! Fuck! This is like saying that your favorite food on earth is a meatball sub, and that your favorite place to get it is fucking SUBWAY! It's like that episode of The Office where Michael goes to NYC and gets pizza at SBARRO! ARGG! Don't even get me started on what kind of East Coaster doesn't eat SEAFOOD. Actually, that's probably for the best. I'd be eating my chowdah at Long John Silvers or some shit.

And, to pump me up even MORE for my coastal adventure, the new season of The Deadliest Catch started last night! EEEE! Who watches this show? Oh my god, I love it SO MUCH. When they start up the theme song (Bon Jovi's Wanted Dead or Alive), I defy you not to do a fist pump. I seriously think my dream job is to be a cook on a crab fishing boat. (Aaaand, we're back to food).

Jesus H, I am positively CHIPPER today, aren't I? Don't worry, I'll be sufficiently bitter and crabby by the time BR runs the marathon. The chowdah high is blocking my jealousy receptors at the moment (also blocked: memories of flying with a toddler). I haven't started packing yet either, which is sort of a downer. Dude. I am harshing my own buzz here.

CHOWDAH!

Mentioning These Two Topics Together Courts the Wrong Type of Googler

Well, the note scrawled on my Post-It today says "spray lube story", and don't worry, we'll get to that, but first I have to tell you that I had the shittiest morning with AD today! ARGG! She is still being a BEAST about getting dressed in the mornings (slash EVER). First, she didn't want me to unzip her pajamas (when I got the zipper partially down she screamed "NOOO!" and held it together with her hands as if I was violating her modesty in some way). So, I was like FINE, her hands are busy (being annoying), so I'll use the opportunity to put her hair in a ponytail! WRONG! She THREW OPEN her pajamas like she was onstage in Vegas and immediately snatched the elastic! She screamed when I took her diaper OFF, but she didn't want a new diaper ON, either! FUCKING GAH! Anyway, it went on like this until I finally just had to take it to brute force and dress her while she screamed and thrashed and I wanted to DIE, you guys. AND, I had to put her in a dress for like the 17th day in a row because I just could NOT deal with trying to get her in pants.

I feel like I am getting overly worked up about this, and it's obviously normal(ish?) toddler behavior, but I feel so bad about overpowering her and physically forcing her to do shit. Might means right! Now there's a life lesson! SIGH. The thing is, we have to leave the house at a certain time and I can't just wait around all day, calmly giving out options and Giving Peace a Chance and DOING THE RIGHT THING and shit! And I'm not going to wake her up early just so she has more time to torment me and gleefully plot my demise! Fuck that!

I don't know. I think this is actually an EGO issue for me, since I pride myself on being able to deal with Difficult People, and that talent does not appear to extend to The Toddler. Because they are not PEOPLE, can we all just agree on that? JESUS! I am overthinking this. The End.

On to the spray lube!

So, I bought some cosmopolitan-flavored spray lube for the bachelorette party I went to on Saturday, right? Did you know they sell cosmo-flavored spray lube at TARGET? Well, THEY DO! Anyway, I was totally in "gift mode", and when I mosied on up to the checkout counter I was all, "Oh! Can I get a gift receipt please?". You know, because I was buying A GIFT! Of SPRAY LUBE!

It wasn't until the cashier CHUCKLED that I returned to my body and remembered that I was buying SPRAY LUBE AND ONLY SPRAY LUBE. Gah! I'm sure the cashier thought I was requesting the gift receipt as some kind of Embarrassment Coping Mechanism! Not to mention the fact that returning spray lube is sort of frowned upon, or at least it should be.

Ugg. So that was like the worst moment of my life. It was a GIFT, Target cashier! YOUR LAUGHTER MOCKS ME!

And on the 356th Weekend, She Did Not Suck

So, this weekend I did stuff and stuff! Like with OTHER PEOPLE OUTSIDE MY HOME. Whoa. I'm on a crash course with SOCIAL here. Book now to get your spot on my busy calendar! The Deadliest Catch is starting again soon so that's going to make things tight.

Anyway, on Saturday I went to a bachelorette party and I STAYED UP UNTIL 2 AM, you guys! I even partook of the inadvisable Fourth Meal of Taco Bell fame! You know you've taken a turn for the worse when three taco supremes at 2 am seems like a good idea. Uff. Obviously I'll be needing like a WEEK to recover from that. Do you know that there was a time when I wouldn't even get ready to GO OUT to the bars until 11 pm? Oh god, even THINKING about that now makes me want to DIE.

Then, yesterday BR and I went to see 21, the movie about the MIT students who counted cards in Vegas. I loved it SO MUCH. I am OBSESSED with card counting now. I must learn how to do it! I want to read this dude's book and see if he explains more about how it works than they did in the movie. Seriously, this shit is right up my alley (fun fact: one of my running coping mechanisms is doing multiplication tables in my head)! I can totally DO THIS you guys! Well, except for the Nervous Tummy. Whatever, I'll be a spotter, not a big player.

Incidentally, BR thought the movie was "slow" and "boring" and "not THE FUCKING MOST AWESOME THING EVAH". Pffft. Whatever. The thing about BR's brand of smaht is that he's great with logic and mechanics and figuring shit out. But, if something requires focus or intense concentration for any length of time, or you know, CALMNESS AND/OR KEEPING YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, he's out. He's so not the big playah. You have to be an Emotional Cripple to keep the count, baby.

So, in summary:

Fourth Meal-Seriously inadvisable
Card Counting-OMFG SO AWESOME WHO IS WITH ME?

And The 200th Post Is...A RECIPE! Downer.

So, here's the deal with banana bread pudding. It's not bread pudding with bananas, it's bread pudding made with banana bread. Um, which is clearly something totally, TOTALLY different. Whatever. GET OFF MY ASS, Fussypantses.

Anyway, you can use any kind of bread you like in this recipe, and other quick breads like pumpkin, zucchini, cranberry, or lemon are really good too.

The recipe is courtesy of my favorite cookbook, How to Cook Everything by Mark Bittman.

Banana Bread Pudding

1/2-3/4 (I tend to use more like 3/4) loaf banana bread or other bread of your choice
3 cups milk
1/2 stick butter
1/2 cup sugar
2 tsp. cinnamon (or to taste)
3 eggs, beaten

Preheat oven to 350. Grease a dish (I use an 8x8). Cut up bread into cubes and place in greased dish. Heat milk, butter, sugar, and cinnamon in a saucepan just until butter melts. Pour milk mixture over bread, pushing the bread cubes down every now and again so they all get nice and saturated. Add beaten eggs and mix well (if you don't, you get little puddles of cooked egg--DISGUST). Sprinkle a little extra sugar and cinnamon over the top so you have a nice crunchy crust. Nummy. This is totally key.

Bake at 350 for 45 min-1 hour or until set. It should be a little wobbly in the center, so don't go too nuts with the cooking. Keep in the fridge.

I served up a MASSIVE portion of this for BR last night, and after he was finished he was all, "is that ALL of it?"

Um, NO, I didn't give you the whole BATCH as if that was the proper serving size, but who am I to judge if you want to eat the whole thing! (there's just a tiny square left sadly in the corner today).

Jesus. How he is not in a diabetic coma is beyond me.