Do you know what I did yesterday? No. No. (You: *irritated sigh*) That's right! I had a LASIK consultation! I've been DYING to get LASIK. I am blind as a damned bat and contacts hurt my eyes since I sit at my computer like an overeducated monkey all the livelong day. So, I've been stuck with glasses, which I had hoped would make me appear smart and plucky, ala Tina Fey, but instead have made me appear to be someone who chooses frames from the "MaryKate and Ashley" display at Wal-Mart. That's also a true story, BTW. Oh, shut up. They understand the plight of the peaheaded. Their frames are For the Peahead, By the Peahead(s).
Anyway, I am a candidate for the surgery. After my 10 minute consultation, the nurse actually had the balls to ask me if I'd like to go ahead and have the surgery THAT DAY. Um, I have been known to make the occasional impulse purchase, but, NO, THANK YOU, Ms. Hardsell, RN. I think I'll give it a moment's pause, if you don't mind. WHAT THE FUCK. Although, it may have been worth it just to hear what BR would have said. HOO BOY. Alas, he is dangerously close to a Fussypants-induced aneurysm as it is, so I held the line. As usual, when I got home he found my cross-examination skills to be grossly inadequate:
BR: How much does it cost?
Tessie: $1200 per eye.
BR: Well, how long is that price good for?
Tessie: I didn't ask that.
BR: What the hell? What if you don't get the surgery foah like 6 months? Will they honah that price then?
Tessie: I doubt it. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it
BR: OH NO WE WILL NOT. I would like to cross every single bridge I am evah likely to encountah in my life, regahdless of probability, TODAY [or whatev. Could be editorializing a little here]
BR: So how does the surgery work?
Tessie: They take a laser, and then...they lase you in the eye. Then you can see.
BR: AH YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?
Tessie: I didn't get into that with her. I can look it up on the internet later, without having to talk to anyone.
BR: Well, I just don't see how a LASAH corrects the [boring Greg's-a-male-nurse description of cause of poor vision], and what is the history of the surgery? BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Tessie: Couldn't tell ya.
BR: Well, how did the office look? Was it shady?
Tessie: *Cleansing breaths* No. JESUS. It's in [rich section of affluent suburb] for chrissakes.
BR: What kind of furniture did they have?
Tessie: I have to leave the room now.
BR: Well, it makes me suspicious.
Tessie: You're right. It's probably all an elaborate hoax. He's probably curing people by WITCHCRAFT and then lasering his chin hairs for the remaining 6-8 minutes. That'll be $2400 please! Cash only in unmarked bills!
BR: I'm sensing yoah sahcasm
Tessie: That's good, because I'm laying it on pretty thick
So, have any of YOU had laser eye surgery? My general feeling is that it's nothing to go all mental and hand-wringy about. Then again, that is my general feeling about pretty much everything, so what do I know.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
52 comments:
OMG that was funny. That would totally be the discussion at our house too. I never ask enough questions for Homer's liking.
I have not had the surgery, but two people I work with have and they had a good outcome.
I desperately want it too! Both of my parents had it in freaking UPSTATE NEW YORK like five years ago before it got as big as it is now and they both survived, are not blind and are quite happy with the results. Also, my cousin got it recently and is thrilled with it.
I don't know what type of furniture was in their doctors' offices, but they all turned out okay!
(Also, Greg's-a-male-nurse comment? Hysterical. I am quite proud of myself for getting that reference immediately.)
Hi, I have had this EXACT conversation with my husband. He is convinced there is a laser conspiracy and no amount of evidence will change his mind. Meanwhile, I'm dying over here of blindness.
Also, best line of the post:
Tessie: They take a laser, and then...they lase you in the eye. Then you can see.
THIS MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME! Who fucking cares how they do it? Just let me write the damned check so I can go about my day NON visually impaired for the first time evah.
I have not had that surgery but someone in blogland recently did and said it was the best thing ever. If only I could remember WHO it was, I might be a TAD more useful.
I so want to do this - and I went to the consultation and they had the whole "risk of blindness" line item that you have to check off as a "yes, i understand and I won't sue you for everything you're worth" and I thought....blind...that's pretty ominous and got scared off. But I've totally been reconsidering lately. It would be very cool to not have to have glasses or contacts to see.
I haven't had the surgery, BUT my mother-in-law is a nurse at a place that does Lasik. She's actually in there for the surgery and whatnot. It must be pretty safe/cost effective/blah blah because she let her daughter and father-in-law have it done.
My brother-in-law (one of them, there are SO FRICKIN' MANY) had it and was THRILLED. My husband wants it, but lacks the follow-through necessary to MAKE AN APPOINTMENT. An old friend of mine had it and was left with scar tissue that she keeps having to go back and have more surgeries to correct. My grandmother had it and is THRILLED, but it did mess with her night vision (luckily she doesn't drive anymore). So I guess mixed reviews.
Good lord, I am choking back the laughter here.
I desperately want the surgery too, but I cannot get past the fact that YOU ARE AWAKE DURING THE SURGERY.
Also, things will be TOUCHING YOUR EYE.
I want it too, but my vision keeps getting progressively worse, so I'm afraid I'll have it done and five years later be blind again just because that is what my eyes do. They go blind. They don't enjoy seeing.
Also, that is exactly the conversation I had with my husband today, if you substitute "expedited passports" for "Lasik eye surgery."
AHHH I forgot about the being awake part! Are we allowed to be drunk?
first and foremost - no surgery for me since my eye (really just the one) is unfixable. however, I know severeal people who have done it and loved it.
Also - WHAT MOVIE IS THAT FROM? it's driving me crazy
WANT IT WANT IT WANT IT!! i'm also fantastically blind, and have heard 98% stellar omg will have sex with the surgeon reviews, and then a teeeeeeny tiiiiny percent of people had bad experiences, which keeps scaring me enough to not go actually schedule the surgery. although i haven't even scheduled the CONSULT yet, so for all i know i'm a shitty candidate.
As usual, I am with my man BR. You aren't SUPPOSED to have LASERS in your eye! I mean, don't they send out these strenuous panicky warnings about looking directly into a laser pointer oh my god it will blind you!!!! But then people like you WILLINGLY go in there and say, hi, let me give you a pile of money to point a deadly frikkin laser beam at my eyeball and btw mind that you don't slip on a banana peel in the O.R. with that laser in your hand and oops! My bad! Here's a complimentary white cane for your trouble!
Having said that I know a lot of people who have had lasik and I think it's safe. A couple people have had it like "wear off" or whatever and have had to go back to wearing glasses though. And when you get to be 40 and acquire the geezer eye, you'll end up with specs again because they can't do anything for presbyopia. kbye
fana-The "Greg's-a-male-nurse" thing is from Meet the Parents, and the "I'm sensing your sarcasm" thing is from Tommy Boy. The Usual Suspects around here.
I knew it had to be Tommy Boy or Billy Madison . . . the other one I got no problem.
Also - wouldn't it still be worth $2400 (or more) if it WAS witchcraft? Awesome
I have not had the surgery because of the whole oh-my-God-lasers-shooting-into-my-eyes-hell-no thing. But my dad and H's dad both had it done about 10 years ago, and they are both still doing well and seeing fine. My best friend's husband had it done a few weeks ago and is loving it too.
I haven't had it, but I have a friend who had it done. And then had to have it done again a year later. And now wears glasses 8 years later. But maybe she was a fluke...
Don't wear glasses, but my husband has been contemplating it.
Glad to hear I'm not the only one who considers office furniture important when making health care decisions. NOT KIDDING.
Just go to the one with the most commercials- the first that comes to mind is Boothe Eye Care and Laser Center. Dr. Boothe- he even has tv commericials. He's gotta be good.
As the Banana household resident fussypants I deplore your lack of thorough questions and applaud BR for keeping your eyes safe from the shady-broken-down-furniture-eye-puss-inducing Lasik eye doctors.
Also, I would LOVE to do Lasik, but I'm with Shauna - things TOUCH YOUR EYES. Nothankyouplease.
That is hilarious that BR thinks the whole lasik thing is suspect. Ha!
I do not qualify for it, as I am blind as a bat and inch closer to being blind as a bat who's only ever lived in a cave 4,000 feet below ground and has never seen daylight. Bah!
But! My co-worker had it done and she positively raves about it. She said the procedure was a piece of cake and she can see great. Lucky girl.
And, Tessie - keep in mind the sparsely-populated state I live in. If it isn't shady here, then I am fairly certain it is legit.
(still chuckling)
Perhaps BR and my husband are related because that is a darn good approximate of a few conversations we've had regarding Lasik.
Two of my good friends have had it done, one with the simple surgery which you're probably a candidate for. He said it hurt a bit during but was fine two hours later and GLASSES free now. Loves it. My other friend had the more complicated surgery where the recovery is two weeks long and sucks. She still says it's totally worth it.
I say go for it. What's $2400 in the long run? That's probably how much our bar budget is for the year, and don't you think your vision is as important as drinking? Nuff said.
The laser burns off part of your lens, which changes the shape. I think.
*Ahem* I think that I might be related to BR. My Honey wants to ditch the glasses, (but he looks so cute in glasses...) and have the surgery, but I am terrified of something bad happening.
So I won't let him.
Did I just really say that?
My boss had it done 8 years ago and has had no problems. So there's one success story for ya!
Oh so funny. I especially liked "irritated sigh" and your description of how laser surgery works.
Here is what I know, and when I say "know" I mean "heard somewhere, possibly in People magazine":
1) It's pretty safe, and they've been doing it kind of a long time.
2) The biggest risk is that your eyes will change after the surgery, eventually rendering the surgery a useless waste of dough. But that's what the pre-screening is for: they weed out people who get a new glasses prescription every few years, and only take the people whose prescription is stable.
3) A lot of people have had it, and they all love it.
4) You are AWAKE for it, with your eyes OPEN. SEEING the surgery. OMG.
I've thought of doing it, but I've been wearing glasses for so many years, they're now part of what I look like. I'd feel weird without them.
The cost seems reasonable to me, considering the AMAZING cost of a pair of glasses, not to mention the rip-off charge for all the check-ups I'm supposed to be getting (but am not).
I have not gone under the lasah. I only started wearing glasses last year, and while at first, I totally thought they were trendy and cool, they are now more a pain in the ass than anything. And I’m really good for just leaving them at work, making reading and computer work from home torture.
I guess what I’m saying is that If I were a candidate, I would totally do it with little to no research
I'm in optometry school and we have a laser center in our clinic. Without recommending it one way or another, I just have to say $1200/eye is a FREAKING STEAL. We charge $2500/eye.
That said, if you have really dry eyes, that's often a contraindication for surgery because your eyes can be even MORE dry, so I just want to know if your eyes are dry due to contacts or if they are dry in general.
It scares the crap out of me. And you look good in your glasses!
Swistle, I agree. The cost does not seem unreasonable to me, since I spend about $100 per year on eye exams and another $150-200 on contacts/glasses. Doesn't take long for the surgery to pay back that way.
The surgeon I visited with does have a "lifetime guarantee" option for an additional price. If you ever need a correction, he will do it for free under that plan. Of course, BR says "WELL WHAT IF HE GOES OUT OF BUSINESS?". Argg.
Jen-I DON'T KNOW! I don't THINK my eyes are dry naturally, since I do fine with glasses, but when I wear contacts, they feel dry towards the end of the day. How can I tell?
I have a friend who was nearly blind, had it done and is thrilled with the results. Of course she told me about being able to SMELL HER EYEBALLS BURNING during the surgery and I wanted to pass out. I am thankful for good vision!
I have tears rolling down my face. we NEED more conversations like that. My oh My.
I'm pretty sure LASIK is quite safe. how's that for a glowing "do it!" recommendation?
BURNING EYEBALLS!?!?
oh sweet jesus. maybe i'm out.
This was truly hilarious and I could actually hear BR' accent when I was reading this! The only person I knew that had it done about 8 years ago needs it done again, that's all I got...
Okay here is what I know. It won't be particularly funny and I'm not even a doctor.
So I got the consultation a few years ago and made an actual appt to have it done. They did have to put silicone things into my tear ducts because I do have dry eyes. They're called punctal plugs (not sure of spelling) and I like to say I now have silicone implants.
Anyhoo, my mother in law sells the surgical tools used for LASIK and ended up talking me out of the surgery. She said they really don't know yet how your eyes age with LASIK. She also brought up the fact that they laser off your cornea and you really only have one set of cornea unless you're willing to have dead people donor cornea surgery and I'm not. Yes, that is the WORST possible scenario but that's just how I roll.
I hate wearing glasses. I hate it that I can't impulsivly buy trendy sunglasses because they all have to be prescription. But I'm a chicken and I'm cheap, so no LASIK for me.
Good luck!
Pentunia-Thanks for commenting! I can't believe NO ONE has commented that they've had the surgery! I thought it was pretty common.
What gets me in trouble is that I'm neither chicken, nor cheap.
I always wonder why they quote you a "per eye" fee, as if there were a variable number of eyes a human could have.
Thank you for coloring that dialogue with BR with authentic bostonian accent. Why don't you now relate something about bumpah stickahs for the cah.
I have been thinking a lot of Lasik lately, too. I've talked to several people at work who had it done and they all highly recommend it. I say go for it!
My sister had it done, her ex had it too. They are both very, very happy with the results. A friend had it done but had many complications (evidently a rare thing now a days). Even with all the problems, he still says it was worth every penny. I would love to do it but since you have to be awake, I live with wearing glasses.
Laughing because my husband and I always joke - there are billboards all over here offering the "lowest price" in lasik - and I think - is that really something you want to bargain shop on?
I know many people who have done it and all but one loved it. The one who didn't, had it done quite awhile ago (technology may have advanced) and has had trouble with chronic dry eyes ever since. She can see but her tear ducts don't work correctly any more so her eyes are always red and she uses visine like a pot head. Everyone else loved it though.
If your eyes just tend to be dry at the end of the work day, I would say it's more because you are at a computer than the contacts. (People blink less when they are focusing on a book or computer or other near work.)Also, I know that in my personal experience, I just blink less when I have contacts on (I think my eyes are tricked into thinking they are nice and moist). However, the consult should have included a tear layer assessment (at the very least).If they think you're ok it's probably fine. America is too litigious for them to make false promises.
There are also highly scientific (I am being sarcastic) tests where we put little paper strips on your lower eyelids and measure how long it takes your tear layer to wet up to a certain point. If you have dry eye based on that, then we consider drops, ointments, collagen plugs (someone above mentioned them) or the extreme case of cauterizing your tear drainage shut.
I am the queen of the parentheses, and of the ridiculously long reply comment. =D
Dammit, my grocery store didn't have Steak-ummms. I am sad, and may or may not have bought some more Totino's Party Pizzas to console myself.
My husband had it done three years ago and has never looked back. He was TOTALLY blind without his glasses/contacts and now can see way better than me.
Don't know about long term issues but I do know that we opted to pay for the more expensive option of the custom measured lasering-o-eyeball just to maximize the potential for success (and also ripoff, I guess.)
I have been thinking about it for AGES but I'm worried because I'm a pilot and I'm worried that down the road they will say anyone who's had the surgery is now ineligible to fly...(I have to be checked by an opthomologist every time I renew my medical but I can live with that!)
Would love it save for the following things:
1) Haloing: I already have a hard enough time driving at night.
2) Changing eyes: Apparently your eyes have to stay a consistent scrip to prevent cataracts down the line, mine change every frickin year.
3) Eyes vs boobs debate: the money has to go somewhere which one would be more useful
I can't even think ahbout a lasah in mah eye. (being lased. lmao.)
But I NEED to hear more of these conversations.
Oh my hell, that was funny.
My father's girlfriend just bought everyone in the family LASIK (she offered me, but I am a scared ninny). Of the 5, 2 had perfect vision within a day and 3 are still kind of hazing back and forth but, when the vision is clear it is clear. It just is taking longer than they expected. It was also expensive due to stigmatisms and the general thinness of a few people's lenses. I now know far more about the eyeballs in that family than I actually cared to, but there you have it. Also, they did add on some "costs" due to the fact that there were thin lenses etc...
Also, I guess the doctor was one of the two who perfected the procedure AND is a physician for the Detroit Lions. I don't know why that last part got them all excited.
I HAVE had it done. Am I the first to report? Anyway, I have had the one side effect of halos at night, but it is not incapacitating, luckily. I still drive at night and everything else, but it is slightly harder to see. Otherwise, I am 100% satisfied and can see perfectly well during the day. I'm in north texas, so if you are in this area and want to know where I went, just lemme know. By the way, I had my surgery about 7 years ago, so, I bet there have been some nice advances since then.
Also, you ARE awake, but it was no big deal. You can't see what is happening. They tell you to look at the flashing red light and before you know it, it's over. I think it took like 3 minutes for each eye or something crazy. And the beauty of it was...I could see better immediately! It was amazing. Ah, to see the leaves on the trees...you know you want to!
Stormy! I WOULD like to email you! Blogger is not letting me see your profile though so I can't get to your blog or email address. Email me at messingwithtexasATgmailDOTcom if you check back!
I agree with Erin, you do look good in your glasses. I also agree with you, b/c I really want the surgery. I know several who have had it and no complaints. I also heard that going to the well known, larger offices in the area is better because it means they've done it a 1000 times more than the little guy. I say go for it.
yeah the whole "laser in my eye while i'm wide awake thinking about eating a big mac and fries" thing just freaks me out.
okay, so maybe you don't think about the big mac and fries.
but i do. it helps me relax. when i'm awake, with a laser in my eye.
HEY! I'm here from Petunia Face. First off, holyshit it's funny when you speak in accents.
Anyway, just wanted to say I *did* have the procedure, and I wrote about it here. (let me know if this link is cut off I don't know how this shit works):
http://madisonmagazine.com/article.php?section_id=918&xstate=view_story&story_id=235725
(My editor clearly thought she'd never have the opportunity to make fun of me so publicly again, hence the fifth grade class picture. But I digress.)
Okay, I totally laughed at "cross-examination skills". Chris always says "Talking to you is like talking to a detective" when I grill him on stuff.
Post a Comment